To do justice to the stay in South Africa I would need to write a book. Ha. Such wonderful people. So much hope and promise. Positive! Well over the next few days, as I get settled in, I will tell of of the stay.

Today has been recovery day and meet and train my new carer, Glen.Veronica goes off for a well deserved rest.

The weather is warm and sunny today so I can't complain "kan nie kla nie!"

Back home safely. More about the trip tomorrow....

OK so I have not written for awhile. I have been a little busy and distracted by last minute arrangements. I fly out tonight (if all goes well) .

The plane is departing at 7:30 so I leave home at around 2. 00pm and start the journey. After a change in Joburg I land in Durban at 10 am tomorrow and will get to Eshowe about 1-2pm.

I am looking forward to the trip and seeing friends and family. Photos later....

Yesterday my friend ,neighbour and gardening expert, came and spent the day here clearing up the front and rear garden. He planted 3 fruit trees, mowed and turned the beds.Here are some views around the back.

Just finished programming my controller. I updated and added all the new devices and just improved the menus.

Back to work.

So strong, so together, so self- assured.
So shaky, hanging on, hopelessly hoping.
2 descriptions 1 person.
The enormity of this monatany looms, like the Berlin wall.
Safe in my womb. Surrounded by silence. In a blanket of black night.
The words on a fairground carousel in my head, " am I still a person? "

Why do I feel like an exotic, new, zoo attraction?
Why am I so confused?

Is the answer too much to face?

I decided to write to all my friends about my trip to SA. I figured that I was pretty much at the stage where the likelihood of going was greater than 50/50 so I should go ahead and communicate it. (This behaviour is not normal but I reserve any excitement or build-up to the last minute when I can see nothing can sabotage the trip,it avoids disappointment)

The trip will be my first in 4 years. I will be at my parents house in Eshowe. My children leave a week earlier and will be dropped off to spend time with me and the family. They will return to England a week before me and I will try to see my Unilever colleagues and friends.

Well yesterday Colleen and the kids came over to make a few plans and say our goodbyes as I won't see them till SA.

Today I watched the first race of the Moto GP in Jerev,Spain.Winner Loris Capirossi and 2nd Danny Pedrosa on his first race in this class (a good start for him).

I am stuck at home. I was hoping to get across to Colworth today, but Shaun lost his license a few weeks ago and can't drive, plus Jane is is still ill(she went off on Wednesday) .

Yesterday I tried a new harness type sling which allows me to stand upright and take a few steps. It worked well enough to allow me to stand and lift my legs like walking. My posture was poor and I couldn't pull my back straight. So I am going to find the cash to install this in my room.

No kids this weekend apparently as they all have something on. I might just go out to a movie!

It's Wednesday and Jane is sick today. This morning I had Paul from Balder over to check over the chair before I leave for SA. Nothing major just a few loose nuts and bolts.

When I had a chance I got to work programming my environmental control. This is like a big, multi-function remote control. It can control doors, tv lights etc. and gives a control freak like me some feeling of independence.

This weekend was Alex's birthday. The girls stayed with me whilst he had some friends over. We prepared a treasure hunt with a challenge (poem) and then a trail of sweets leading to each gift. This ceremony is something I started to make up for my absence in their lives. It adds to the excitement and gives them more to remember. Afterwards I took them to Pizza hut for lunch. Sorry no photos!

I sit here on another Friday afternoon. I am contemplating the weekend ahead and hoping I can do the things I need to.

I enjoy thinking about ideas I love debating them openly and thoroughly. I get so exasperated by people who close their minds to anything new. I like strong views but be prepared to listen, discuss and challenge. Your views are your right, no-one can take that away.

I like ideas which make one see beyond your own point of view.

Can't think right now, itchy ear, makes me flinch. Phew, its going away. Did you ever think an itch could drive you mad?

It has been ages since I last wrote. I have been terribly distracted in the last 2 weeks. I gave a presentation to th VP for research. Some important issues about the future of the business. It was quite risky, but I don't have time to waste being diplomatic and reserved.

Anyway, I think it went OK and he seemed to take notice of the things I said. I expect time will tell.



Alex's birthday on Sunday. He will be 14 years old. He is a great lad. He has to pick his subjects for the next few years. He has a good bit of all the major groups of subjects but stays clear of languages. Two of his interests are sport/P.E. and technical crafts.






NEWS FLASH!
I am making my first attempt to fly to SA. I hope to stay for 3 weeks and see a few friends and family. Departure on the 6th April for Joburg return 26th April. Yikes!

Its time to do a stand. What's that? Well I use a facility on my wheelchair to effectively stand me upright. It's good for my body strength and helps to keep the bones from crumbling.In addition I think the psychological benefit is huge. I stand for an hour to an hour and a half. During this time I can move around, so I watch TV or go through to the kitchen and instruct my carer about dinner.

Alex stayed over last night and we had grilled lamb chops with roast potatoe and roast carrots seasoned with fresh thyme. Not bad.

This morning I helped him make a creamy oat porridge. This was just the start he needed because he wanted to clean my car for some money to buy a CD. Well I really support him for these jobs because he is so thorough. True to form he did a top job,inside and out. Well worth it.



Carers change today and Alex went home so Saturday night will be TV time!

Its a lovely day today.

Sunshine and clear sky.
Frost.
Then all of a sudden snow!
Tiny, hardly perceptible, pristine.
Then a rush of white flakes that cover the imperfect earth.
The steady rays of the distant sun gently reveal the earth again.
Like the memory of a recent kiss,
the glistening earth remembers...

Can you believe this the CD I said I was searching for has gone out of production, such a grind. Nostalgia can be so easy but keep it locked up as a thought and you will be OK!

How about the story I received from Fiona by e-mail today. Our paths overlapped when we spent a few months on the same hospital ward. Fiona writes lovely detailed letters about her new life in France. This last letter has cute story about her cat which I include below (Fiona rents holiday cottage called Les-Cerises, just click on the link on my link list)

This will make you laugh. On Saturday our fluffy cat disappeared in the morning. I was getting more and more anxious and even starting to feel sick. At about 3 pm I went into the back yard and called him and thought I heard a pathetic squeak from next door. Initially I thought he was in the garage, which was odd because it was all closed up as the neighbour has been away for two weeks and then as I went down the side of the house I realised that the meowing was not coming from the garage but from the chimney and he had fallen down the inside of the chimney. Now I was really worried because I thought he was in her house and covering it with soot or peeing on her carpet but another neighbour assured me that I need not worry about that as the chimney had been sealed at the bottom. Now I was nearly hysterical as you can imagine, he was stuck inside a blocked up chimney!! Very bad news and the lady was still on holiday!! Lucky for the cat she came back that evening and when we went round to see her she couldn't believe that the cat was up the chimney but a further piece of luck the chimney is not sealed merely closed by a heavy metal flap and once this was raised out dropped the cat!!!! I thought he would be covered in soot and completely black but no!! Her chimney is as clean as her house and he didn't even have a bitof smut on him. Little sod!! he has been very clingy for the last couple of days!!!

I had a good weekend. Which started with a successful and enjoyable wine tasting. Such a lot of wine! The Berberana Rioja (2001) was overwhelmingly liked followed by Backsberg Pinotage (2001) SA. Favourite snack was a cheese biscuit with my mothers home made Chilli Jam.

On Saturday Jenny arrived to see me we popped to the local for a pint of bitter before grabbing a video rental and ordering a pizza. We watched Kinky Boots (great movie about the local shoe industry) munching pizza and popcorn.

Yesterday we visited Alan at the marina and had a great roast whilst enjoying the boats in the harbour.

Jenny with Me post lunch

Since Tuesday I have a few items to update.

I had the "group" over on Tuesday night. Which ended late with John and I chatting about fruit trees. (I subsequently have purchased through John; a cherry,a plum and an apple.)

I have had to invest in a new TV as the existing TV is about to depart from a working life. I have consequently streched the budget to a Samsung LE32R41BD (32 inch,Flat Screen).

Last night Colleen and the kids showed up to show off her new Ford Focus Zetec.

Tonight I am hosting a cheese and wine tasting. 5 couples. We will be doing 3 Spanish, Chillean, French, and South African. should be good. Might be a late night.

Its time to go to my Colworth office. It's been a slow start to the day and after last night (during which I woke up every hour) I am not very alert.

Cold Wet English day!

I will try write something another time!

As the Sunday afternoon slowly slides into night. The murmers in my heart creep cautiously into the concious. I am alone with them as I listen to their whispers.

I know our craving for constant entertainment and with it stimulation are modern issues, a consequence of the urgency our lives dictate. A "side effect" of the bitter pill to be a success. If this is the measure, I don't see the point anymore. I don't feel good about my old measures of success and satisfaction. They steal away the heart and slowly but surely the heart dies. A pornographic substitute of plastic and paper replaces the flesh.

Spend time with your heart, listen to its quiet voice, consider carefully its cry. You can replace it with plastic but you can't live without it.

As it heads for the weekend I feel like a lot has been achieved. I helped Colleen buy a car. (FORD FOCUS) I have my heating working properly after 3 years. Fixed a problem on the wheelchair control (it has broken several times). Finally I have managed to post a few Bloggs this week.

Jane is off today and I am ready to wind down.

I'm waiting for a reply to an invitation to the neighbours (John and Linda, for a wine tasting tonight.

This weekend I have both Carmen and Ruth to stay. They normally get on well together so its good fun.

I know my posts are a bit weird and depressive, but I am low man. People don't know me, I'm just the "tragic friend "about which you can talk about. "Have you heard about Julius? He is in a wheelchair "

I would not recommend this as a path to character building. I think I have enough character!

But, God help me, it's lonely. When people write to me it's like an invisible hand. Reassuring me.

Someone I love said that they only have 20 years of fun left. I never thought about that. I am too busy struggling with today.

"Hate" is a strong word. I never use it lightly. It can be consuming.It can rot you away from the inside. It takes your clarity and objectivety. It drowns out your life.

But I hate this empty existence. Unable to love and to be a part of life. Floundering on the edges with only memories.

I have loved. I have been loved. My love has gone. No longer by my side.

All I ever wanted was to be loved. Totally. Completely.

Hate.