What a horrible day so far! Hopefully it will improve.

Started waking up from 2 hrs sleep as I spent the the night trying to cough the last remnant of flu from my lungs. So I listened to the radio and coughed.

New carer, Fundi had her first day solo and it took over 4 hrs. The strain was to be kind and polite whilst feeling like a bear with a sore head.

Thanks to all for the lovely birthday wishes.

So this morning I was doing the physio routine (I ask my carers to give my limbs a stretch every day) and I realised that because of my position at the time I was able to touch my face. I was able to touch the skin with my fingertips. So what you will ask? Well for 5 years I haven't felt skin on my fingertips. They are softer and more sensitive. I could feel the slightest texture change. From the hair on my cheeks to the dry skin on my nose.Wow.


I enjoyed the rugby and seeing SA as world champions. When we won the 1995 RWC I was on business in London so I watched inside a pub near Leicester Square. Who could predict that the next time we would win, I would be in a wheelchair, paralysed below my neck.

I don't know what tomorrow will bring but I still have a carer to train this week so I expect time will be limited.

I have been wanting to regain my enthusiasm and strength to work at the challenges of the life I have now but I have struggled lately. I have to keep myself from descending too far. I believe it will be too tough to get going again.

This past week has been a combination of bad flu work and training new carers. It was a long morning routine with Henry (trainee) doing his first session on his own. It took 3 hrs today and it should get better (hopefully) .

I have a picture here of a great puppy here. Alan has decided to keep a dog. He bought a Patterdale terrier. Take a look at these pictures

SMIFFY

I promised you an update and an update you shall have. I had friends over from Germany and they stayed till yesterday. I had a great time and I think they did too.

Milada visited me at the time of my accident in Germany. She had a house near the hospital in. Linda stayed with her for several weeks whilst visiting me in the hospital each day. She had lost her husband some time before and has a son Alexander, who coincidently looks remarkably similar to my son by the same name.

I picked them up from Stansted Airport and we returned home and my children arrived some time later. Unfortunately my children only stayed one night but in this time they got to know each other and enjoyed the time.

The weekend is over and after the fire incident we have sort of recovered. I bought 4 more fire extinguishers now that I realise how rapidly a fire can take hold and spread. I have also bought a fire blanket as powder extinguishers are short lived. I will keep this in the kitchen with a powder extinguisher.

As someone who has always been a bit sceptical about the need for a fire extinguisher in a domestic setting, I have now completely changed my view. After seeing the rapidity that the fire took I realise that a few more seconds would have been disastrous.

I was going to use this update to tell you all about my weekend with a friend and her son ,out here on a visit from Germany. Unfortunately I have been interrupted so often I just haven't the time.

I'll be back...

Fire Fire FIRE! !

How do I begin?

There I was just finishing my eleven's (cup of coffee and a biscuit) and going through work with Linda when Sharon, who is working behind me, asks "Should that iron be smoking? " Referring to the iron in my bedroom, where Ellie was busy with some ironing. Ellie had left the iron while she popped to her room to do something.

Linda looked up from what we were working on to go and have a look. In the next moment a flame developed. Linda was shouting for Ellie while smoke filled the room and the fire alarm went off. Rushing back to me as Ellie arrived she breathlessly asked "Do you have a fire extinguisher? "

Sitting helplessly in my wheelchair with my hand off the control, I replied with directions to the device which I bought a few months earlier, thinking I would never use it. Extinguisher in hand made her way back to the scene as smell and noise filled the house.

By this stage Ellie had unplugged the offending device which promptly fell to the floor and continued burning. Using the extinguisher Ellie smothered the rebellious spirit of the shamed iron with blue powder.

Picking up the pieces by intact cord, Ellie finished it off outside.

We were left with smoke and noise and a sense that we were saved by quick thinking and 2kg of blue powder.

Damage: Charred Iron
Burnt Floor
depleted fire extinguisher
Smoke smell

The dejected device

On Wednesday John and Linda came over and I hosted them for dinner. The menu:

• Greek Salad
• Roast Chicken with pork, sage,and corn stuffing.
• Roast carrots seasoned with thyme.
• Roast potatoe
• fresh green beans
• Linda brought a Pavlova with mango and syrup and ginger
• All accompanied with good wine

John had his birthday on Thursday and Debbie on Wednesday. So we enjoyed the occasion.

Last night went to John B for dinner and we enjoyed good roast vegetables and a Tuna kedgeree.
What a great meal!

It's getting cold now as Autumn draws in.Even though it's sunny its cold.

I missed the kids this weekend. With Carmen and Ruth performing in Mulan and Alex's football I can't keep in touch with them.

Even though I have been busy, I still find the loneliness and solitude very difficult. My heart carries the pressure and pain of the hurts and dreams and hopes that can't be shared.

Where has all the fun gone?

I couldn't sleep last night I was concerned about an incident of extreme selfishness. I went to watch my son play football. The team he trains with played a match. So we get all geared up. He adores football and will do anything to play. He played well the week before and was expecting to play. I don't get to be with Alex like I used to and wanted to watch him.

The match started with Alex as a substitute from there it just got worse. Everyone else was given a part but the coach didn't want to "break the flow " in the team while they were winning. I was disgusted. The competitiveness and the obvious favouritism broke my heart. Why do parents bring selfish ambition to a schoolboy game and lose the main objective which is to take part?

Alex full of expectation.

I thought it was time to have an update on the garden. I have given a few details about each.

View from deck toward the back. In front flowers along the deck.Herb garden to the left followed by strawberries and herbs.

Poets Place.

Strawberries and herbs.

Herbs.

Cabbages at the back of the garden.

Squash!

Runner Beans right at the back.

I never really finished my post on Monday. I was interrupted by the doorbell. It was my friend John. We had some tea and a long talk. Poor chap is suffering with stress and just needs to talk and I can't do much, so I listen.

I was going to write about the few weeks I spent here with my mother and brother. We had 2-3 weeks together. There was an overlap with my kids, when they spent a few days here. This was a very busy time and we have never all been together for such a long time. The really enjoyed themselves and I felt they bonded well with the family.

So I have never really recovered from the time of frenzy! Now I have to focus every moment on my business future or I just won't recover my momentum.

I feel very afraid. I am not sure I can do this. I need such different characteristics to the diy mentality I currently try to work with.

I have 3 business ideas I am toying with, the current consultancy, a small consumer product, and a business with disabled people to offer business advice, and products for disability living.

Sometimes you start without where you are headed. You don't know what you are doing but it is too late to think about it as you find yourself staring at the computer screen. Sounds like this might be such a time.

The Radio on Friday morning had a piece on a a Journal entry in the latest Lancet. This was about the link between mental health and other medical problems. I wrote about the importance of mental health about 18 months ago, to our research director. No success and I am gratified to see its back.

A busy at emotional few weeks have passed. My updates have stopped and in some way so have I. I will not describe to you all I have been through. It has been a time of happiness and a time of sadness. My heart is heavy. I will tell you some news.

3 weeks ago my mom came from SA for a visit, a week later my brother arrived to help me with a few jobs. They left on Thursday the 30th August and I have an empty house again. We had many things to achieve. My family are an important support for me. Helping me to get things done that I need to achieve but can't find appropriate people. Rodney is an excellent craftsman and electronic engineer. My mom helps me to think through problems and to organise my stuff. Mom also left me with 3 large tins of biscuits and rusks.

So I should be happy. Instead I am sad. My house is empty again. I feel empty.

Summer at last! We have at this late stage of the year begun to have warm days and nights. With England being so strongly influenced by the Gulf Stream (high level wind which drags humid Atlantic air toward us) we have experience the most wide spread floods in hundreds of years. So some warm dry weather is most welcome.

I am grappling with many difficulties accompanying trying to run a successful business, keep a fully functioning home and fit in day to day activities. Sometime ago now I realised 2 things:

• if you want something done properly you have to be involved.
• I can only do one thing at a time.

I have reduced my meals to one a day to save time. Unfortunately meal preparation still requires supervision.

I am not sure how to move from where the business is now to the next level. I need at least 1 further researcher to take on projects. This will require a very careful selection but how do I find candidates?

This week was supposed to be a quiet week. Presentation was postponed from Monday to next week. So instead of a relaxing finish to the project we are busy with infinitesimal changes.

My aunt passed away this week and it was kind of expected. It's still a shock being just a few days after her mom, my gran.

With all the sadness of this week some more bad news from a friend (on Wednesday) was enough to put me into a somber frame of mind. Relationships are complex and difficult to repair. The news that he brought me was despairingly painful. I failed to offer any comforting words felt so useless as a friend.

I watched Blood Diamond that night and was blown away by the sadness and shameful greed in Africa. de Caprio gave a convincing performance and I was very impressed with his portrayal of a Zimbabwean. A great movie but don't watch it alone.

Gordon Brown is so obtuse how can you ever get a straight answer from him? I have heard him interviewed several times over the years and he never answers the question if it's tricky. He sidesteps the issue and deals with some other point.

eg
interviewer: People are concerned about x what are you doing about it?
GB: Well I think this is related to y (and then proceeds to babble on about how they are implementing a program in y)

No doubt he is intelligent but he is an intellectual bully and very unfulfilling to listen to.

I am sat here and I know I have things to write about but my mind is a bit frazzled by my work. The constant news about the floods and even more rain on its way, isn't helping with diversifying my stimulation. This is a difficult place, if I could go for a run that might help. This stage isn't helped by some of the other frustrations that are ever present.

So without giving vent to them here, I will sign off and try to channel my mind toward work!

So here are some pictures of the latest developments.

We start at the top looking down.
Brocolli, Kale and Cabbage just as Dad planted them.

My apple tree.

Runner beans.

The view from the deck toward the top.

In the picture (above) I am enjoying the view of my herb garden and the colourful flower bed which reminds me of my mother who will probably know the name of each shrub.

As I sit here this evening England is experiencing more floods and rain.I look back on a week of struggle and hard work. Went to see my client yesterday and had arranged to have a meeting with the UK business head to deliver some pretty messages. Struggling with posture and voice I tried to deliver a clear message. I can't say it was done well but it's done!

On Monday we went to London for the start of our last 3 groups. Linda stayed over in the hotel where we held the groups. What a posh but friendly place. The groups went well and our work quality is really top of the class!

This morning my mobile had a voicemail and I knew it was bad news. I didn't have the strength to open it by myself but when Linda arrived she heard the beep and helped me. The news was of my granny's passing the night before.

It was like a curtain fell and the dark loneliness of my isolation suddenly was staring me in the eyes. I felt the loss of every motionless nerve fibre that once obeyed my thoughts and responded to my emotion all endured in the 6 years of this wheelchair. The inability to be with the people so much a part of me. I wept and couldn't stop. I'm sorry Gran, sorry I haven't been able to see you in the last few years.

Week passed was so busy.The first 3 nights went on till late followed by an hour to get home. So 3 late nights and a full days work after each. No problem before my accident but now I can't do it without exhausting myself. The groups went well and Linda's exceptional skill at getting people to open up and excellent grasp of the project meant we had some great feedback!

I am pleased with the progress the business is making I feel we could be doing more and I would like to get another researcher to work with us.

The garden is looking so full of life. Flowers are opening all over. The vegetables are also looking great. Every journey I make around the garden reminds me of my father. He has become part of everything here. I find this knowledge to be quite comforting.

This week is set to be very busy and I better start preparing.

Made contact with Cathy recently. Cathy worked with me in Unilever as a product developer and later a marketing manager. So good to be in touch again. Cathy came to me through a network system that I use called LinkedIn (see the link for my profile). Many Unilever people are now members. Another product I use is called Ecademy , I find this delivers a different type of "feel " and is better for making a wide range of contacts.

Weekend over now. I have just dropped off the kids , came back and started to work. I finished a few things and now doing my blog, which I miss dearly.

I don't know if you wonder why I don't just do it when I have a "spare moment "? Well paralysis is cruel enough, in that, you can't do any activity like eating, washing etc. yourself. So writing this blog requires me to stop what I am doing, get setup, and then I can be alone with my thoughts while I use the computer adaptions to allow me type. It's slow. Painfully slow but I do it! Surprisingly this is a very important part of my make-up and strive to be independent.

I don't have a financial fallback. I have earned my keep all my life and I don't see any reason to change this. I have "cut my cloth"accordingly. I have a strict budget and I take pride in being frugal! I see waste as a "sin" against the earth which provides so abundantly. (This is quite an interesting way to look at every aspect of your life. It forces you to think about everything you might throw away. I say things like,"the plant worked hard to make that think before you throw it away! ")

I wanted to update my poetry blog with the strong emotions I have been having so I will sign off and have a go.

Anyone living in England, in the last few weeks, will be aware of the relentless rain. Many people have been rudely displaced from their homes. Pushed aside by the risking flood,invading their lives. As they rebuild their homes let us spare them a thought instead of complaining about Wimbledon delays or more overcast days!

I sit at my desk today, listening to music and contemplating the day ahead. Went over for dinner to my friend and colleague, Linda and she prepared a fantastic tuna steak dinner. We got to talking about the project we are busy doing. I think we will both breathe easier when it's over.

Today I have all the kids for the night I look forward to seeing them.