The emotional ride of life

The kids are here. They arrived last night. A story that hides many hidden emotions lies beyond the the events of their arrival.

Saturday. The e-mails from our client/fellow director begin to arrive I see that they are mostly about a meeting between the new Training company and our first client. The e-mails are also being picked up by Linda (also working from her home) . Pretty soon we decide we will need to discuss this and get together. I phone Colleen about the possibility that Linda could pick up the kids on her way.

I got a definite "no", because of other plans. So Linda duly arrives and we do the work. I do what I can and start dinner for the kids and guests. A simple meal of egg-fried rice and a sausage sauce. Now initially Colleen did indicate she would join the dinner but on arrival and seeing Linda's car, she stayed in the car. She wasted little time dropping the kids and left before the doors had closed.

I live in this world. Distorted by resentment, anger and unforgiveness. The hidden rocks that sink unwary canoes are noticeable by a small rise in the water. The complex navigation of river rapids is made more tricky by the hidden rocks. They will eventually erode with time and the constant flow. Sometimes you have to collide with them to shift them, to roll them away.

I have wrecked many a canoe on the rocks of resentment and still, some will not shift. They are not ready.

Growing Garden

Some pictures for those interested. My garden is 50% there.

Herbs

Strawberries and Raspberries

Beans Garlic and Salad

Rosemary , more salad leaves and potatoe

Potatoe and cabbage

Power, PC and People

If any regular readers missed the update last week, that will be because there wasn't one. There wasn't one because I had no PC for a few hours as the power supply broke down and I had to take it in for a replacement. A scary moment. But its OK now. Phew, a device which holds such a prominent place in your life can make you realise how repetitive your day to day routine has become.

I spend many hours in front of the dual screens I have setup in my office. Since being made redundant (or early retirement) because of my disability, I have tried to keep busy. I will never understand the logic of a company that expects and gets your loyalty and commitment but, when circumstances change there is little return of this. Let me explain, companies are made up of people, policies and rules don't count for much ,unless the people in positions of authority apply them. If you are rewarded in one circumstance a change of authority can see you passed over or even ejected. So you can move from having value to having no value. I did when I was disabled. Not immediately. No, I was given loads of support through people in position to do so. When they changed I realised I was finished, my value was zero and I was shown the back door and never mentioned again.

So now I have a small business and I am helping setup a charity for disabled people to improve their lives and also setting up another business doing training for the people who care for the disabled.

So now to the more important stuff... What about fun? Well my fun is doing things to keep busy, my children and my garden.

Anti-virus elections and life

Its a warm'ish Saturday morning. I sit here listening to some oldies, Diana Ross and the Supremes for the curious amongst you, and feeling a little bit mellow. I will often use my blog to reflect on the week passed. I will keep up this tradition and use the time to update you on my solo existence in this wheelchair.



How about this for interest to those who have a PC. This was featured on The Gadget Show recently. I always struggle with anti-virus software, Norton too slow and cumbersome, AVG OK,and so on. Now there is Yoggie. This isn't software. Its a PC you the size of a USB and it intercepts your internet traffic. In fact it even replaces your PC's IP address with its own! And because its hardware it can't be corrupted!


Do you know anything about Zimbabwe? Although the elections have been in the news, the plight of many is ignored. I have family living there and I made enquiries about getting supplies to them. My dad came across this chap who takes supplies up to various people on a merry mission. I have decided I would like to make a regular donation and to ask people up there to distribute supplies to local needy people. If anyone is interested in doing something give me your e-mail and I will put you in contact with this chap and the charity.


There's some strange behaviour being exhibited by the finches. Dude and Fawkes are making a nest. This would be normal but for the impression we had that they were both male!Dude is obviously male.Fawkes doesn't exhibit some of the typical male markings. If you know anything about Zebra finches, please let me know what to do!

For a little insight into the life of a man with a life checked from the pursuits of career, pleasure and material comfort you will need more insight than I am able to reveal in the musings of this blog. I do try to make it a conversation between you and me, I hope you will see fit to enter into the discussion.

Some images to help you,

My apple tree, with its spring frock of blossoms.













A view of my house from the vegetable garden










My raised vegetable garden.

Soaring with the Eagles?

I am just sitting here listening to the Eagles latest and lost in the mood and thoughts about my day. It may not be the ideal activity to be engaged in on a Friday night at 7 o'clock but tonight I don't want to do anything else. Oh, I had plans but they didn't work out.

I need some help with training. If you know anything about setting up training in a company I need to investigate the management of students and records. I know that software does exist but what works and what is best? If you can offer advice let me know.

I should see the kids this weekend. Which is always good. Ruth's birthday is soon and I bought her a gift she has wanted for some time. More about this later.

Rain again today. There have rain showers over the last 3 days due to a sequence of different fronts. This has been needed, because though it's been a cold April, there has been precious little rain. So my garden is grateful. The vegetables at the moment consist of onion, garlic, broccoli, cabbage, potatoe and parsnips and carrots together. I am not sure if the carrots and parsnips will recover after cats rolled around in the bed. We shall have to wait and see.

Getting Knotted

The weekends are a time to relax. Setting the mind free of the anxiety and strain of the week. It's like undoing a knot and it takes effort and time. I shouldn't get so tangled up in the first place...

It is the middle of April and it is still cold. I need to get seeds ready for planting but this year I haven't been out much and the cold wet weather has been discouraging for garden visits.

We are planning to start a charity. Excessive government meddling has created a lifeless, expensive, bureaucratic monster called "social care". The only people who get something out of it are the unscrupulous, cheats and "fly by nights". In the absence of a better system we feel a difference can be made in the role of care giver. Currently the most import 2 people are the disabled person trying to live their life with all its complications and the person/s assisting in this.

We think that there is an area in a disabled person's life that is not dealt with properly. The provision of professional, dedicated, well trained helpers. We don't want to use the word carer. It is a poor description of the role and disabled people don't want a carer they need an aide. Through Linda's persistence we came to "Aide de Vie" or AV for short.

I will tell you more about this later.

It appears as though Linda has moved off the idea of moving jobs. So some stability has returned.

I am still on the search for a new aide (carer, AV). I interviewed a young local, polish girl, who is qualified on the face of it, but may not pass the job shadow. So I will let you know in a few weeks time.

Regret and forgiveness

Do memories invade your mind at inappropriate times ? Do they make you smile and sometimes dry a tear of emotion? Someone once said "live for today " and yet we fret and flounder over the mistakes in our past. We hold on to anger, resent, hate and failure. It succeeds in doing only one thing, it poisons the present and devours happiness.

My ex always speaks to me of her bad life. Debt,work and children problems fill her conversations with me. I am a captive audience in every sense. Unable to interrupt her flow, I sit and wonder about how pretty she is without the scowl and twisted down mouth. Yet she cannot enjoy the good she has because she can't let go her negativity. When will she realise that there is only today, now, tomorrow doesn't exist and yesterday is gone.

I am not advocating we don't prepare for the future, rather that we don't let worry about it,ruin today.

I hate being in this wheelchair, it forces me to be what I am not. I shy from change from crowds and I become reserved. Why? Why give in? I have to live as best I can and with no voice or movement, I just can't do those things. So I do what I can. I have given presentations, I write a blog, I have a small business and I enjoy 3 beautiful children. I am not dead yet.

Dr Zhivago

I watched Doctor Zhivago yesterday. A 4 hour BBC movie on the novel by the same title by Boris Pasternak. I am currently listening to the audio book which is 16 cds in length. A very moving tale set at the time of the overthrow of Czarist Russia and the move to communism. A few things did stand out for me but the clear portrayal by the author of the importance of love and a belief system were very poignant. The story covers the life of Yuri Zhivago, the women he loved, the political turmoil in Russia and the lives of ordinary people in extraordinary circumstances. Read it if you haven't already done so.

This morning the ground was covered in a blanket of soft, fleecy white snow. Even the motionless trees couldn't shake a covering of white. The clear blue sky and subsequent sunlight ensured that it didn't remain.

The week passed has been typical but marked by the Alex leaving and the return of emptiness. We had a chance to say some things and talk. He is a remarkable boy.

I have been given 3 male zebra finch by Linda after she ended up with too many. They chirp all day at my lounge window, occasionally darting around the cage in agile celebration. Their names are Dude, Easter and Fawkes.

Being a Saturday it's appropriate for me to take some time to write about the week past. Alex, my son, is staying with me for a few days to help with his study for GCSE. In an effort to instil some discipline, I have him getting up early and going for a run each day. So far there has been some progress and we advanced a few subjects. Today we will do Systems and Design and some English.

We have had some good heart to heart chats and I constantly taken aback by the good character and nature of this 16yr old. I can see in him a quality that you seldom come across today, humility and a good heart.

Linda, my PA has raised the topic of another job. It turns out she is looking at ads. Well I can't stop people from advancing and I would not wish to hold anyone back but it is distressing and would require a big upheaval.

My reaction has been muted and I am very aware of the potential for me to use emotional blackmail. For this reason I come across as not really bothered. I suppose there is no reaction that will not be open to misinterpretation.

Empty

How do I write something when feeling so empty? Boredom and discipline drive me to communicate. I live a life with the appearance of order and purpose. It is expected. There are many who I share my world with, they need me to be happy.

I have an inner world that is unlike any world I can describe. I have many well worn areas which are in daily use. They are familiar, automatic and necessary. The forbidden zones are no longer safe and contain predatory roving psychotic thoughts thirsty for destruction. These areas are neighbours to the red light zone. Purposeless journeys into the red light zone can often stray into the forbidden zone and get hopelessly lost. This dangerous mistake can take days to recover from, never without scars.

Next to the red light district is a playground. This is a healthy place. Perspectives and proportions are easily maintained. The playground has no dark areas. It is a place of magic, of 24/7 sunshine. Spending time in the playground can be easy with some people. Others seem to shy away from happiness and prefer the endless traffic circles in the run down slums. This is a wasteland of grumpiness and self-pity. All the roads here lead to the forbidden zone. So, in my world I stay away from here.

Where am I today? I don't have a clue. I feel like an obsessive gambler, dumbstruck and numb after a poor day at the races.

Stimulation

OK let's talk. I have Alex on the IBM typing up some work and we are going to discuss this after he has finished. We plan to watch a bit of football before refining it and going on to the next part. There are 4 more days of school remaining before the Easter holiday. During the break he will spend the time here revising his School work. I hope that he can stick to the schedule I have for him!

Haven't been at my best lately and the recent wet weather has not helped. I don't understand what's happening to me; as, my stubborn refusal to think of myself as disabled, is beginning to weaken and I don't like it! I know that I desperately need something more but I don't know what. To be so confused is disabling enough!

Society has developed the treatments for maintaining a life but insufficient understanding on supplying the tools to deal with this truncated existence. I need more than just existence, I need purpose. Stimulation, whether it be mental or physical, just amounts to masturbation, unless it is for a purpose or it is shared.

This will be my greatest challenge and the only one that I must achieve in order to move forward.

This week my gardener arrives after the winter break. I plan to get the spring planting started , parsnips, sweet corn, squash, potatoes... Any ideas?

Don't really have much to say. Life is dull and the work has been slow. I plan to watch the 6 Nations Rugby later. I spend the day with Alex tomorrow to help him with English Revision.

Damn it's tough to drag yourself from mindless, fruitless pursuits especially when a world of frivolous patisserie are just a click away. Discipline is especially tough considering that choices of independent activity are so limited. My wanderings in cyber space are made even more vain and unproductive by the disproportionate effort and time they waste.

So I return to writing. Describing the lonely existence that accompanies paralysis. I know it will be difficult to convey my world and even more difficult to comprehend.

I sat in my bathroom this morning, thinking. I thought about the day ahead, about the week passed and about the empty, nagging thoughts that seem to consume my moments of solitude lately. They are thoughts which lead nowhere. They have little purposefulness. They succeed only to remind me of my helpless, ineffective state and the devastating loss of my situation. They always end in me asking God for forgiveness. I have no idea what for, perhaps for my shameful self-pity.

In any case a cup of coffee awaits and I must go.

To write a blog one requires dedication. Sometimes despite your feelings and agenda you have to put your mind into the space. The space where you give of yourself. A space which can be difficult to reach. This is particularly true of a personal blog.

There are days like today when the heart feels heavy and afraid of opening. When dark melancholy and loneliness prosper and rule the thoughts without mercy. This is such a day. I write not because of exuberant outpouring,but of sombre duty.

My account will be factual and truthful but lacking my normal levity and wit.

Last Saturday I took Colleen and the children to London to a show at the Dominion Theatre. It was a show Carmen had seen a few weeks earlier and wanted to share with the rest of the family. So I told her to organise it and she did. The picture is taken just before we left.

Thanks Forthsay, for for your comment. I haven't seen this but I will investigate.

Anyone ever come across something like this? see site />

The thing is, how to maintain enthusiasm or progress when you have little or no reward? You need a source of fuel to keep up the supply for your "motivation engine". I find this tough. Tough because there are people in my life with better options and opportunities, yet they will take any opportunity to explain to me why they are unable to be happy. This I don't mind.I just wish that sometimes I would hear about the good things, about the blessings and the smiles. Too much negativity makes any experience worthless and tiresome. Far better to enjoy 1 plain biscuit with your tea than to have 3 chocolate biscuits which you don't appreciate and savour. Every blessing is precious.

Talking of blessings, my cousin Erica paid us a visit last week for 5 days. She was a ray of light. The time we had ended far too soon and her bond and obvious pleasure with meeting the children made me feel very grateful and ever so slightly homesick. Equally, the love and closeness felt by the children, especially the girls, very good to see.

I remember well the love I received as a youngster, on a visit to her family, about 30 years ago. This had an important role in my life. Reassurance and love with demonstrative care is a sustaining positive influence in life and can have a powerful effect if it is within the broader family.

Erica left on Saturday and on Sunday morning I was due to drop Alex at football and take the girls back home. Well for a change we were ahead of matters, on a bright, crisp Sunday morning. They were packed up, finished with their chores and were having fun taking snaps of themselves on the trampoline when I called them in for a quick cuppa before leaving. It was after this that things went wrong...

We were all in the car ready to go and the car wouldn't start, flat battery! I immediately told Alex to phone Colleen to see if she could help. We got out the car.

Colleen had plans and was reluctant to change them. Having told the coach we would be late we got hold of the roadside assistance for my car (Chrysler offer this as standard) . They indicated that we would have less than an hour wait. With that, I called the kids together and offered the option of a fun day in the sun with Ice Cream later or a long drive to take Alex to play his match. I was genuinely surprised that without hesitation the girls chose football. They offered this simple explanation when quizzed, "It's too important to Alex!"

One look at his face would have told anyone that.

Hope?

Research in nerve repair Nerve By Pass

Tell me if you know more about this and any possible contacts. Thanks.

I feel like I am going quite crazy. The memory of "woman " can be like a knife in the heart. I know that I have so much to be grateful for. I have a great home, good care, enough to provide my needs. I don't want for any more...

but the heart and body don't seem to obey the rules of logical argument. Neither the rule of sensible persuasion. In fact they are as relentless as a Siberian Winter and don't ever get tired or distracted. Attrition wears out the bravest man, eventually.

Logic is a poor weapon against this fiend. My remaining strength relies on sustenance by faith and hope. When "the thorn in my flesh" burns and festers, I resort to the hope and faith which has carried me when my weakness is exposed.

Ahh well, ...

The week ahead is school half term. My children have a week off school I have 3 days of work and then some time off. On Monday my uncle Hilbert's granddaughter arrives for a 5 day visit. I have never met Erica but I last saw her mother, my cousin, 30 years ago. I am looking forward to it.

The past week brought nothing new but the continuation of some project work. I am training a new carer at the moment but I hope to have a better solution soon. More later.

It's a bright sunny day but icy cold. I am finishing off at some work then I am going to watch rugby (start of the 6 nations) .

I have my kids around for dinner tonight. They don't want to stay over. So Colleen will join us and take them back.

I really don't have much to say so I will end off.

"Do not be too timid and squeamish about your actions. All life is an experiment."

– Ralph Waldo Emerson