When I first heard about full body paralysis I didn't see the point of living with such an isolating condition. What would be the point of life without the ability to do anything? I was 16 years old and somehow the subject of being paralyzed in this way had come up and I remember thinking about it afterwards. I didn't really understand what it meant but I didn't believe it would be worth living with. I thought that it would be better to be dead than to live with this condition. With the quality of life so low I was unable to see the point of being alive. What would be the point of not being able to move and what about sex? My 16 year old self had no understanding of the way his life would develop.
Now I am nearly 60 years old and I have been paralyzed for 20 years. I have become the person my 16 year old self could hardly imagine worth staying alive as. I don't move and I have a very weak voice. So I don't do or speak much and there isn't much I can do. I mostly "speak" through my writing but this is very limiting and restricts interactive communication.. What about my 16 year old self, what would he say to me now
Would he tell me just to end it when he realised that life would become very lonely. When he began to see how challenging each day would be, no more lie ins and quick showers, or walking barefoot on the lawn and reading a book under the tree, or plunging into the pool on a hot day. Yes and no more relationships with sex, What about life without a loving relationship - surely that can't be worth living? At 16 sex is always on a boys mind, indeed at 60 sex is always on my mind. At 16 I couldn't imagine a life without sex even though I had never had sex I knew the pleasure that was part of it. I longed for the intimacy that a sexual relationships promised.
What would the 16 year old Julius tell me knowing what my life is now? When he discovers that the intimacy with girls that consumed his thoughts was never going to be, In fact the relationship he had with his own body would cease and instead he would watch other people clean and groom his body. The ache of the longing never leaves and nothing else can replace the loneliness of losing touch with your own body.
I have tried to live with my new life with dignity and I have tried to appreciate the beauty of life. I am alive and what an improbable privilege that is.
11 comments:
Julius Ladwig. I think you are one of the bravest men I know. You are in my heart xxxcoralxxx
Your transparency is admirable. I have always had admiration for you uncle Julius. Thank you for always being so honest x
To keep going with all the limitations has been a life teacher. To adapt, to persevere and to still be in touch with others needs is what is so part of your nature.
Your paralysis is only a part of you, your character, personality, sense of humour and heart of gold shines everyday, anyone who has the chance to be in your life is very lucky and you should see you as an inspiration to others x
Hi Julius,
You were my boss at Unilever for just a short time (1999-2000) - but you made a big impression on me! I remember you cooking South African sausages at our summer BBQ and talking about how frustrating golf is.
Sounds exactly liking you are living with dignity and making the most you can of every day. Stay strong,
Leigh Morris
Hey Leigh - I do remember you and thank you for you comment I don't get much contact with people from my Unilever Research days but it was a good times!
Julius
Hi Juilius, you were my boss as well. (Themba Selane) at Unifoods - not sure if you will remember me, I also think you had a hand in my moving back to the Brand Office as a BM...I admire your Strength Man...
Hey Thema I remember you well and in fact found a video from the day you made me go bungi jumping on Durban beach. It would be good to send it to you if you message me on fb I will get it to you
cheers
Hello Julius, you continue to be an inspiration, and a reminder for me to look at any difficulties I come across in perspective. My best to you.
Hello again Julius. How are you going today? You are very much on my mind lately. Your blogs are so interesting and give such an insight into "you". Have you enjoyed the extra warmth of your UK summer??? It has been really cold here in Perth but obviously not as cold as your winters. I saw snow for the first time in my life a couple of years ago and I don't EVER want to be that cold again...LOL. Please let me know what you are up to. Take care xxxcoralxxx
My dear Julius. You were my boss as well; I will never forget the love and support you gave me when my sister had an accident. You even drove me once to the hospital. You are an incredibly brave man and somehow you will find the strength to face your days.
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