So here are some pictures of the latest developments.

We start at the top looking down.
Brocolli, Kale and Cabbage just as Dad planted them.

My apple tree.

Runner beans.

The view from the deck toward the top.

In the picture (above) I am enjoying the view of my herb garden and the colourful flower bed which reminds me of my mother who will probably know the name of each shrub.

As I sit here this evening England is experiencing more floods and rain.I look back on a week of struggle and hard work. Went to see my client yesterday and had arranged to have a meeting with the UK business head to deliver some pretty messages. Struggling with posture and voice I tried to deliver a clear message. I can't say it was done well but it's done!

On Monday we went to London for the start of our last 3 groups. Linda stayed over in the hotel where we held the groups. What a posh but friendly place. The groups went well and our work quality is really top of the class!

This morning my mobile had a voicemail and I knew it was bad news. I didn't have the strength to open it by myself but when Linda arrived she heard the beep and helped me. The news was of my granny's passing the night before.

It was like a curtain fell and the dark loneliness of my isolation suddenly was staring me in the eyes. I felt the loss of every motionless nerve fibre that once obeyed my thoughts and responded to my emotion all endured in the 6 years of this wheelchair. The inability to be with the people so much a part of me. I wept and couldn't stop. I'm sorry Gran, sorry I haven't been able to see you in the last few years.

Week passed was so busy.The first 3 nights went on till late followed by an hour to get home. So 3 late nights and a full days work after each. No problem before my accident but now I can't do it without exhausting myself. The groups went well and Linda's exceptional skill at getting people to open up and excellent grasp of the project meant we had some great feedback!

I am pleased with the progress the business is making I feel we could be doing more and I would like to get another researcher to work with us.

The garden is looking so full of life. Flowers are opening all over. The vegetables are also looking great. Every journey I make around the garden reminds me of my father. He has become part of everything here. I find this knowledge to be quite comforting.

This week is set to be very busy and I better start preparing.

Made contact with Cathy recently. Cathy worked with me in Unilever as a product developer and later a marketing manager. So good to be in touch again. Cathy came to me through a network system that I use called LinkedIn (see the link for my profile). Many Unilever people are now members. Another product I use is called Ecademy , I find this delivers a different type of "feel " and is better for making a wide range of contacts.

Weekend over now. I have just dropped off the kids , came back and started to work. I finished a few things and now doing my blog, which I miss dearly.

I don't know if you wonder why I don't just do it when I have a "spare moment "? Well paralysis is cruel enough, in that, you can't do any activity like eating, washing etc. yourself. So writing this blog requires me to stop what I am doing, get setup, and then I can be alone with my thoughts while I use the computer adaptions to allow me type. It's slow. Painfully slow but I do it! Surprisingly this is a very important part of my make-up and strive to be independent.

I don't have a financial fallback. I have earned my keep all my life and I don't see any reason to change this. I have "cut my cloth"accordingly. I have a strict budget and I take pride in being frugal! I see waste as a "sin" against the earth which provides so abundantly. (This is quite an interesting way to look at every aspect of your life. It forces you to think about everything you might throw away. I say things like,"the plant worked hard to make that think before you throw it away! ")

I wanted to update my poetry blog with the strong emotions I have been having so I will sign off and have a go.

Anyone living in England, in the last few weeks, will be aware of the relentless rain. Many people have been rudely displaced from their homes. Pushed aside by the risking flood,invading their lives. As they rebuild their homes let us spare them a thought instead of complaining about Wimbledon delays or more overcast days!

I sit at my desk today, listening to music and contemplating the day ahead. Went over for dinner to my friend and colleague, Linda and she prepared a fantastic tuna steak dinner. We got to talking about the project we are busy doing. I think we will both breathe easier when it's over.

Today I have all the kids for the night I look forward to seeing them.

So back to the week passed. A busy week. Alex had a maths exam on the Wednesday and Physics and Biology on the Monday. I revised the sciences and his mother (a Maths Teacher) did maths. I believe the Monday Science exams went ok but maths had a few bits he wasn't sure of. I hope that the results are good!

Carmen was given honoured at a recent netball gathering in Sharnbrook. She received an award for The Best Player of the Year, The Most Sporting Player of the Year and a personal medal for a tournament her team won earlier. As Captain of the team, other parents were full of praise for her positive effect on their daughter. This from a player who was "not good enough" according to one of her coaches.

I have now said goodbye to my dad after 6 weeks. I dropped him off at the airport on Wednesday and after a long, tiresome journey he is now back home. He is already missed by everyone who got to know him here.

I have not updated you all on some of the developments in my life for so long now that I can't fill in all the gaps. I find my time very limited now as I work on my own business. I am struggling to find time to keep up with all the business paperwork.

I have to constantly face things I can't do. This is a great area of danger and has the potential to take me off track. I must always remind myself not to let myself be drawn into depression about this and instead do the aspects I can.

I hope that there is still a group of people that read and will comment and encourage for time to time. It makes the load a lot lighter!

Well a quick post of the latest developments on my back garden.

Some recent scenes of progress in the Garden department. As you can see loads of vegetable space! My dad has worked really hard whilst I have been stuck in the office with project work!

Being told about your children's achievements leaves one bursting with pride and satisfaction. If I had known this perhaps I would have tried harder at school, mmmm, maybe not, I was never that ambitious.

I want my kids to be happy in their skins ,to be well adjusted and to accept who they are.

I have recently had some good news about Alex and Carmen and I never realised what a powerful effect this was. I never like to place "expected achievements " for my kids to attain. I always felt they should enjoy their childhood, do their best in all things and discover who they are. Well when Alex told me recently about an A in maths and full colours for football, followed by Carmen's news today that her netball team won a shield at a tournament; I began bursting with pride. I know why now.

I felt proud and satisfied because of one important fact. It has not been easy for either of them. Alex has had to persevere with football without a father's day to day encouragement and the occasional kick about. For maths, his quiet disposition means he is virtually ignored, in class by teachers .So his achievement here is a credit to his wonderful persevering character.
Carmen has had to fight for a chance to play netball. Against, disdain and selfish behaviour from the better off kids she persevered to make the 3rd team. She continued to be committed and became team captain. At this point she led the team by example and I often overheard other parents remarking about her exceptional playing.

So their achievements have not been easily attained, but through hard work, perseverance and character. That's why I'm proud!

If you have given up on me, I won't forgive you. You can't expect me to update you all on my life, when you never tell me about yours! I say this a smile and a cheeky wink,but in truth I take this blog as a serious exercise. I want to lay bare some of the advantages and difficulties of a disabled life. Yes I believe there are some advantages. Many relate to my new view on things.

When I decided I was going to take the challenge on I had to do so wholeheartedly. You realise now that I was so distraught to find myself so absolutely helpless, unable to speak and move it is hardly surprising I had thoughts of suicide. I still do but now they are more academic and not a lingering obsession.

When you take a challenge like this on, the cold reality of the massive commitment and dedication required are certainly not apparent. My only thoughts were about not giving up. So I began to use the ability I have to be stubborn in a creative way. For example: If I couldn't solve a physical problem I would exhaust my knowledge of the properties of matter and physics trying to find alternatives my limited mobility might succeed in. If this failed I reached inside for the optimist and used the situation to see some aspect that was funny.

Of course if I knew then, what I know now, I may have shrunk away. Therein is the lesson, the longest and most difficult journey begins with the first step and the unwavering effort of putting 1 step in front of the other.


On a lighter note I had Carmen and Alex on Friday evening. Ruth and Carmen on Saturday and netball tournament with Carmen today . She received her second certificate for player of the week. She is a star! Showing real leadership and displaying all the self-doubt and humility of good leadership. I'm so proud of her!

It has been a week since I last sat down to complete an update to my blog. There are several reasons for this. I can obviously point out that I'm busy, and I have been training a new carer. Interesting enough this may be, but I worry that this alone does not account for my poor diligence in respect to my blog. There is a further dimension. It may explain this and more. My emotional energy generator is running slow. This is essential for all of us to function, more so for disabled people. It is not something inherent in ones character but it's like a fruit tree. A tree that gives much fruit requires much attention and the right food. This may be a factor, I don't know anymore. I just do my best, one day at a time.

Friday was a good day and after a hard few days preparing for a meeting, the meeting went ever so well. Linda, my pa, had been ill all week and off colour on Thursday. I needed her experience and skill with market research to do this project so as I prepared to do the meeting with or without assistance I was relieved when she arrived and it was a totally successful day.

On Friday night I picked up Alex and Carmen and Colleen dropped Ruth off after her performing arts school lessons, at 6:30 the next day.

Today was an early start as we took Carmen to her Netball tournament. Tried to find a nice cafe for lunch afterwards but failed and ended up in Sainsbury's restaurant. Carmen's team won the first match 13-0 and promplty lost the second 1-15. Oh well!

It was a lovely warm weekend. I spent the time enjoying the warm weather and yesterday had a bbq with a few friends.

I have been very busy doing a project for a client and don't have much spare time any more. At least I'm busy! I so wish I could read and scribble notes! I have difficulty jotting down impromptu thoughts and ideas so consequently productivity is not good. I have taken on some specialised work and need to recruit a full time researcher.

Watched a great movie yesterday. "The worlds fastest Indian ". Its about a guy who sets the record for the fastest Indian motorbike. It's a lovely movie which will have you laughing and crying. The video was lent to me by Jim.He received it from the producer,whilst in New Zealand, at a conference to which he was invited. Thanks Jim.

I am not ashamed to say, I cried. For the first time in 4 -5 years (since the accident). Big tears and sobs. I suppose it was a combination of pent-up emotion, lost dreams and frustration. More about this another time...

Anyone else seen the movie?

I don't have a lot to report at the moment. I have been too busy with a project I'm doing. Sleep, when it comes, is the only escape! (OK, I exaggerate)

I spent the weekend with all 3 kids. We had gorgeous weather and spent loads of time on the new microscope.

I have a great picture which captures the 3 in character.

Very low today. I found yesterday a strain. I don't like to show my pain when my children are here and consequently I end up pushing myself too hard. I think it's days like that that make me spiral down into a pit of despair and hopelessness. I went to bed negative about my life, lay awake negative and woke up negative. I miss the care of a close friend, someone who can see when you are down, someone who picks you up when you fall. In the last 4-5 years (and especially the last 2) I have been trying to be"strong " I do a good cover up.

The lunch was OK. A bit too salty. We finished it off with a rhubarb crumble and cream.

I went to visit friends yesterday. John and Lyn live about 15 min away. Very hospitable people. I really enjoyed the time there and hope I didn't overstay my welcome!

There were a few snippets on the radio this morning (have I mentioned that I listen to the radio every morning whilst being dressed? ) anyway 2 pieces caught my attention. The first was about a chap who lost both hands and both feet due frostbite while mountaineering. When he spoke of the difficulties and the emotions I had such a mixture of feelings. I remembered the feelings of hopelessness. The bewilderment. Inevitability thoughts dwell on suicide. The long road which awaits cannot be realised or conceptualised. I have all my limbs and apart from my lower right leg, which has withered, I look normal. I can't speak freely and can't move. What have I achieved? What have I to look forward to. I can't decide what is a realistic target for my life. This chap had resumed his climbing career. And was doing well. I don't know sometimes I just find it a challenge to get up in the morning.

The second piece that caught my ear was about "Cuddle parties". Where groups gather.,without alcohol, just to talk to offer a friendly touch and open up. What can I say? The symptom of the modern lifestyle!

Tomorrow, Easter Sunday. I hope to have the kids over for Sunday roast and an Easter egg hunt.

Its Good Friday. I expect a lovely warm weekend. I would love to be out doing some planting and seed trays, but Debbie (carer)is not that way inclined so I won't frustrate myself by going outside.
I have loads of work anyway. So I really should do as much as I can.

I registered a limited company yesterday so now I can call myself Ladwig Consumer Insight Ltd . It's a bit more expensive but should be profitable to me in the long term.

I really don't feel inspired to write today and I can't keep my thoughts focused so I will try later.

Finally some pictures of the farewell I had from Unilever some friends and colleagues, some food and wine and a great time was was the result see February 18 .

Honestly, it is hard to say goodbye and even harder to move on. The blackholes caused by the dreadful impact of this injury and subsequent disability leave me bewildered and confused. A feeling of emptiness which is made worse by saying goodbye.

So thank you all for being there and supporting me. Keep in touch. I am always here. (Thanks for the photos Stuart! )

Fred and Sally sat opposite me for a time.

Fred trying to read, you forget a lot when you retire.
(note: Sally has a condescending look of disdain! )

John kindly said a few words and hoped that I would shut up.

The wine was good so I shamelessly replied to the false propaganda being broadcast by John.

The table where most drinking took place (I am told wine flowed)

Ok, you lot look too happy, you must be up to something. What was that Irene?

This was a fun table, from Teresa and Tricia's rosy cheeks and smile. Notice Jim trying to escape the photo.

Sally is obviously bored by the conversation and is caught looking around.

The three musketeers, Ian, Iain and John.

I went to watch Carmen play netball on Sunday. She has been made captain of the team and wears a C on her waistcoat/uniform (the blue team) .I understand that they are not the best team. They lost all the matches I watched. I don't care about that one bit. To see Carmen playing and the leadership she gives to the team was enough to make me burst with pride.

I think that's called barging or just healthy aggression!

C'mon legs!

Hmm nice day for a stroll

Where's the ball?

Out the way!

There have been some encouraging comments in the last few blog postings and I am grateful. I started the weekend by having beer and curry and watching a movie. Friday night!

Today I get all 3 kids and I hope we have a good time. I will take Alex through using his new microscope and let the girls loose in the kitchen. Tonight we will watch movies and have popcorn.

Tomorrow is an early start and off to watch Carmen play netball.

When you get down and there is no-one to pick you up, or even notice. When you wake up and do a full day because you are afraid of becoming so low you can't get restarted. This has been my week. A lot has happened I will try and tell you about it,but my spirit is low and I can't find myself.

I don't know where to start. I have been hoping to attend a lent course in town at a the church, in preparation for Easter. But I missed 3 due to school parent nights, illness and now my wheelchair control is broken so I have hardly moved for days.

Here's a picture.

On Saturday I was due to pick up Ruth for the remainder of the weekend. As I was ill and had awake all night my carer took the car and picked her up. We had a good day just chatting whilst I helped her bake a 2 layer cake for Alex's birthday tea the next day.

Take a look at these


Note the delicious 2 layer cake (chocolate and vanilla) with a cream filling. It was delicious. His first gift was a small magnifying system that he needed to use to read the clue to find his gift. (below) a proper microscope with video attachment.

I can't write at the moment but read this Poems and Thoughts

I have put up a basic site for my business and I will start to develop this as soon as I'm able. To take a look, try Ladwig Consumer Insight.

Any offers to help shape it please write to me.

By the way, you might be wondering what happened in my son's tests today, well he had 3 multiple-choice papers. (I call them multiple-guess and they tell you little about a child's ability) They went well but I always feel a disquiet about this type of paper so I will wait for the result. On a positive note he was the team star in a football match after the tests.

My temp PA came in today, it went OK.

The day draws to an end. The week with it.I spent the day keeping an ear and eye on Alex as he does final preparation for his tests on Monday. How blessed I am to have a 14 (almost 15) year old that listens to me and respects me as I cough and splutter as we talk about his Science.

I have bought him a microscope with computer camera for his 15th birthday on the 19th March. It will make a change from football paraphernalia but I think it's time to develop his mind.

My PA is on holiday for 2 weeks so I have a sexy little temp in for 2 hours a day. No joke, I was expecting a middle aged lady. So I was surprised. Time will tell if she is any good.

This TV show on Tuesday is for a TV program regarding a big show on Disability and rehabilitation see Naidex (in April)

The days are flying by.It's tough to work out where its going. I have this great client there has so many areas I can help with. I am definitely stressed out as I seek to deliver real world solutions to make a difference to them. I am working with an ex-girlfriend and ex-colleague. This is working well as I find the common work experience enormously positive to quicker, fluent discussion.

This weekend is for my son. I hope to fetch him tomorrow and we will work at the final preparation for his science exam.

I will be interviewed for TV on Tuesday for a show about community care.

It's really warmed up around here with 10-11 degrees. Maybe spring is on the way at last...

I have found that my blog is finding readers on every continent. Most come from Europe and U and South Africa. But I am seeing friends in America, Australia, Eastern Europe and China. Although South America is represented this is not significant. Keep coming and please make comments!

Some of you may ask how business is? A valid question to ask of a single, recently redundant, severely disabled man who is trying to setup a business. Well I have received no income, I have one client and nothing in the pipeline. Otherwise, not bad.

I would like to thank Anonymous for the feedback. To let you know its much appreciated and did mean something.

So what do you all think about the stock market jitters in the past week? Yikes, I depend on businesses that need advice. I certainly don't want to see this get worse!

In response to the last comment. I have been sick for last few days. Not enough to stay in bed but enough to make every minute a strain. You may wonder why.So did I. I was told that overall I have a 5-10% body strength which helps me to sit up etc. So in a normal day I have a constant battle against the forces of gravity which pull me down into a slumped position (which I hate). As you can imagine, slight illness can make this a huge and difficult battle.

I have had my e-mail go down for the last 5 days and I am not happy.

I spent the day with my son Alex on Sunday. We spent several hours revising some science before watching the football.

Last night I went to his school for a very poorly arranged parents teachers evening. The boy has great cognitive ability and poor scores.I don't know how to help him with his poor motivation and focus.

I would just love to do more.

What a ghastly day. Just felt yuch the whole time. Anyway found this quote and would like to hear your view.

I believe we shall come to care about people less and less. The more people one knows the easier it becomes to replace them. It's one of the curses of London.

E. M. Forster (1879-1970)

Is this the price for city living?

What about the effect of the web and virtual relationships ?

What next?

Ruth's Introduction to my Blog

I have been yearning to sit down and update you all on the crazy goings-on of my convoluted life.There is always some priority I feel I must attend to first, by the end of which, I have too little time to do a thorough job.

There's work, health, farewells and hellos to talk about. Not to mention, leisure or should I describe it as active parenting. Much debate about whether leisure is the appropriate term in this case and so I will clarify this by saying that I view it as a time when I don't actively think about my work.

How does one work effectively with a person that was part of your life in a very powerful way and at all levels?

I don't like to "let go" of people. I like to remain at peace with people who mean something to me, or have done in the past. So I always keep a door open. Difficulties in relationships are seldom caused by malicious intent and this mixed responsibility is an important learning opportunity. I was very nervous about whether this was a good idea regarding a situation I faced. I needed some office assistance and they had some time. Going from the context of our past to this new situation, meant boundaries needed to be established and care taken to ensure maintainance of working standards.

I have to say it's working well and I have seen a big improvement.

Now last week was a busy time for me. I did as much as I could on Monday to Wednesday knowing that on Thursday and Friday I would be out.On Thursday to a hospital appointment in Stoke Mandeville Hospital, Aylesbury. A 4 hour round trip. I used my time there to see nurses, friends and doctors who I had known. I got home late.

Friday was a lunch and a farewell from friends and colleagues at work. More about this as soon as the pictures arrive!

This weekend was an opportunity to spend time with my children, as Ruth was busy I had the other 2,Alex and Carmen over. They went through a stage when they were younger of irritating each other over everything. Now they get on well together and seem to enjoy each other's company. We went to watch the local football team, Rushden and Diamonds They won, which is always a bonus for sitting in the cold.

After the game we grabbed a video and watched a soppy movie which Carmen mistook for a comedy.

Waking up this morning I found easy as I had spent the night half awake, as usual. The other 2 slept till eleven and we had tea and biscuits. After spending time outside and a phone call informing us our plan to have lunch with my friend was cancelled. I offered to teach them how to bake scones. They loved that. Polishing off a batch of scones between them.

I have to say a day like today is just for coffee, chocolate cake and a good book. As I can't do that anymore, I will write this blog...

So I slept well waking up at my usual time of 3am but managing to fall back asleep. When I woke again at 5 the radio had a short piece which stuck with me. It was about being in a hurry. We have made a virtue out of being busy. We are proud that we somehow fill our lives with endless activity. What I enjoyed in that piece was the story about a reporter and a vietnamese man. They were travelling through the countryside while the journalist wrote his article. On one occasion they sat under a tree for lunch. When they were done, the man looked at the journalist and said, "Some day I must teach you to eat an orange."
"What do you mean? I have just finished one!", he replied.
"Well when you ate it you peeled it, put a segment in your mouth, then began seperating another piece. Which you held in your hand. You never thought about the orange or enjoyed it ,you were thinking about the next piece. So you never really ate the orange. "

This is so powerful. We have forgotten how to enjoy the moment. Thinking about the next mouthful or next moment deprives the current of it's pleasure.

I asked Ruth to film the gift she bought me for Christmas. I was quite refreshed and a little saddened by it.Let me explain, I laughed when I first saw it because it's so cute an idea; at the same time I was quite heartsore that she remembers that before my accident I would sing just like that! here it is "What a wonderful world "

How can time melt away like it does? I have spent the day doing a mixture of filing and work for a client. I am busy contemplating customer satisfaction studies. I enjoy the work and sometimes the only drawback is my ability to jot down notes as I go. I have had a friend in to help me with the office and this is going quite well. We have almost finished the filing of the backlog afterwhich we will revamp the system and reduce the bulk.

Tomorrow I pick up my youngest,Ruth. We are both looking forward to spending time together. We plan to read, watch a movie and Ruth wants to bake a cake. So a busy time!

My garden wall which I mentioned on the 15th January has now been assessed to belong to the neighbour. I spoke to them today regarding the situation. Isn't it strange that this is the only time I have met them. And it took a broken wall to do it!

Tonight after my dinner I went to my computer, did some work and then had a cuppa and my first slice of mum's fruit cake. Delicious! Smothered in brandy and full of fruit (especially cherries). This was a treat Thanks Mum!

What a day! I have been trying to get my office sorted out as I move into this new "self - employed" life.I have to pay someone for all the assistance I get. However, instructions can be a full time occupation. Tomorrow is a quiet day just for project work.

I have finally got action on a few problems.
My phone needed to be looked at to fix a fault. Although the engineer couldn't repair it they are going to send a new one tomorrow.
My car battery was faulty this was replaced by Chrysler (thanks Karl where ever you are)

However my AEG dishwasher is now faulty and gets stuck on drain. So either get it repaired or replaced. I would do it myself but I can't do this anymore. I am tempted...

I am pleased to see people read this blog. Every time I see it's been read it spurs me on to keep writing into the void. It's a pity it's not more interactive.

Give up shopping for one year?

Great idea! See the link where I found the article by clicking on the title. Now most won't manage 12 months but maybe a reduction to once a quarter! Anyway the article tied in with some thing I heard on BBC Radio 4 this morning.

This chap (I missed his name) travelled the world interviewing people. I think he was a psychologist. He was intrested in mental health. He found that people who prioritised on material things and wealth, tended to have more mental health difficulties. They had very poor relationships and did not prioritise this aspect. Mostly these types of people were English Speakers! He calls this disease Affluenza.

I come to the end of another weekend. Silence... but for the TV at low volume as Debbie (one of the carers) does her favourite thing. It's quite a thing (good English), to have 24hr care. More about that some other time.

The point I was going to make is, the silence is the contrast between a house full of kids and then nothing. I had them all over for lunch and tea. Carmen had been wanting to try her hand at baking a cake. So yesterday I decided to use the opportunity to talk whilst she prepared it. I also used the time to teach her a few basic disciplines of kitchen craft. You know like, planning the task, putting ingredients away and pouring without spilling etc. The cake was a perfect layer sponge topped with butter icing.We sprinkled peppermint crisp chocolate over the top with Carmen adding a decidedly fishy character by sticking fish shaped jellies round the side. These were highly favoured and they were finished before the cake.

I have just put my new Bob Dylan on (Modern Times ) it's great!

Living with care
Well should I tell you about living with 24hr care? It is essential for a person with my level of disability. Mostly with my condition they require 2 carers. I could not live with that level of intrusion into my life. Carers are very good. They give me space. I can understand the bad reputation tetraplegics (quadriplegics) have for treating carers like objects, it is a protection. Whilst this experience is simply a job for the carers from which they leave and go back to their lives. For us it offers no time off and no respite. The carers may come and go, each takes a piece of you when they leave.

No matter how big or small a piece of your life is dissipated. You have to share every private part of your day. Sometimes the only refuge is the thoughts you think. The darkness and silence of the night can be a bitter sweet chance to feel human. However, it is also the time when your thoughts begin to drift and slowly the caged emotions and longing for real relationship, rises.

So you learn that they will go and you try but fail, to not be upset, until the next time.

War on the other hand is such a terrible thing, that no man, especially a Christian man, has the right to assume the responsibility of starting it.

Leo Tolstoy (1828-1910)

'nuff said,

today's quote from The Free Dictionary

I really never realised just how lonely and empty, my future is likely to be. The emptiness echoes. People stop echoes. I wrote a poem about that some years ago. I was really down. Now I'm not but I have a deeper sense of what lies ahead.

Since my parents left its been work, work, work... I have to make up for lost time. It helps to stay busy and I enjoy creating. Of course when the computer is OK it's great!

Well I have a request, I'm expecting to have funding to pay for a secretary/PA. It pays well and the hours are flexible, but best of all you work with a great guy! Any takers?

I will also recruit a market researcher to help develop clients and improve productivity. So do apply!

Last week my neighbours tree was blown over by 70 mph winds.This demolished my garden wall and landed on the roof. Luckily damage to the roof was minor but the wall is severely damaged (2/3 knocked over). So more drama.

I have been out of touch for ages. I have lots to tell and so much to do. My problem occurred with the transition from Unilever to my own network setup. I tried to fix this before I left but to no effect.

I had a good Christmas, family, feast and fun! The pictures say it all.










After Christmas I tried to get my computer connected again. After we realised the only way was just to start again with a new setup which I did and on Thursday I was there!

My parents left on Friday and it took over 7 hours to Gatwick and back. I was exhausted. I have been working and sleeping since in an effort to catch up.

I am back, thanks for all the queries and concerns. More tomorrow...

So it has been a busy time since I last wrote and I am beginning to slow down for Christmas. I am just doing a short update before I change computers. I had to buy a new one.

More later...

Heard of EXTREME IRONING neither had I till I discovered it from a message I received on ecademy (from my profile) about my attraction to extreme sport. What can I say, I guess the army days were enough ironing for me!

I firstly wish to acknowledge the comment from Helmut a few posts ago. I am so glad I have known the great people I have met and keep meeting on this adventure.

I interviewed 4 new carers yesterday. Although a 5th turned up,over an hour late ,I never even bothered with the interview as she had not passed the qualification criteria. I am beginning to see a strong trend in this area. More men are taking careers or in this case jobs,in this industry. I tell you why, its quick and easy to do an average job. You work shifts and are well paid.You have time off!

I choose to get by with one carer. I don't like to have a house of uninvited guests.

5 years ago I worked with Brainjuicer's CEO, John Kearon to help get the company into a Venture Capital scheme. I was struck by the product and John's integrity and thoughtful approach. I see a great future in this business. The product is smart without being complex, embodies sophistication without being laborious. Brainjuicer's listed on the AIM market on Monday and is really doing superbly well. I recommend you take a look at this business and consider investing.

Another week begins and I start counting down my days left in Unilever and before I set out on my own. My PA has a new job with a major bank. This makes the start next year even more difficult. I have so much to do.

I will be recruiting tomorrow. I have 5 interviews and I am hoping for at least 1 maybe 2 carers. Once I have the funding sorted, I will need a new PA as well. Yikes.

I am not getting better. On the 19th October I thought that was it. I was on the road to recovery. Now I ache and hurt whilst sniffling and sneezing. I can hardly sit comfortably anymore and I am sick of it.

I have finally bought the gifts for the kids. Now its a matter of waiting for the day. I have never been this organised before!

I am meant to go to Aylesbury tomorrow for medical reasons but I am so not up to a 2 hr journey there and 2 hrs back. Instead I will get the doctor out to give me a check up.

The "void of cyberspace" from my last post prompted a comment from an anonymous reader. I really appreciate the feedback and need to hear it. I am a stuborn man in some things but with regards to this blog, I would say I'm "dogged". I promised to would do this blog by venting my feelings as well as my experience. I know its not something I can never hope to share fully. To hear from you "out there " helps me enormously.

Thanks to many of you and Anonymous, the journey is made easier. Sadly the busy lifestyles we have doesn't allow time for the small things. I realise this.

I don't know where to start sometimes. My head is buzzing with all the different topics that make up my life in this wheelchair. I could talk about the difficulties of having strangers do personal care for me,I could talk about my work situation and how to be rejected by the company I loved feels. I could talk about my new business. I could talk about my day to day life. About disability and friendship or loneliness. Maybe the topic of living with a severe disability should cover emotional aspects paralysis and separation from the world, people and your own body.

I sit here and think to myself about what to write about, and I am so aware that I am writing into the void of cyberspace that I can't get started. Imagine having a conversation with a blacked out theatre. You have no way of knowing if someone is there or even listening. The place may be empty, it may be full. You only know when someone answers.

The other thing about conversation is the immediacy of feedback and the development of a topic or a thread. In websites that help people solve problems. They may have a question and answer section. These contain threads of conversation that develop a topic and help to answer the queries.

The power of conversation should not be underestimated. It has a powerful influence on both or all the participants. Like the first smile from a child seeing you or the response to a letter, feedback can open your world. I was unable to participate in conversations for 9 months, whilst my ability to speak recovered.I sat and listened. I longed to interrupt or have my say. I learned to observe and now I still do a lot of observing. You can learn a lot about people from what they say. But you learn a lot, as well, from what they do.

Yes its Monday already and I am so busy with different agendas in my turbulent life. Let me give you a rundown. Before I do that, regarding the last comment from Forthsay , thanks for the comments you have given me 2 things to consider which may well lead on to a new direction, much appreciated!

So, I am off to a show tomorrow to look at a range of Market Research companies and technologies. Its called Insight 2006. It takes place in Earls court. I was looking forward to this but since my scheduled care arrangements have been thrown into turmoil, I have a stranger, un-trained and very inexperienced.Nightmare. This would be bad enough in the comfort and quiet of my home. This situation is likely to be very taxing.

I have been finalising my business plan which I will use to apply for funding for a PA. I hope that as business picks up I will be able to employ an additional Market Research executive. This will give me a better capability.

I have made contact with someone who is going to help me develop an idea. This is quite an exciting contact and may yet prove to be an avenue for other ideas.

It has been a really tough day today. I won't bore you with the details, but I struggled with posture, with a very disparaging e-mail and a carer that makes me feel like I'm in a factory assembly line. Heck, I can't complain at the moment I have had my care situation in such a mess that I can't afford upsetting the apple cart before Christmas.

I have had enough at the moment. So much to deal with and no escape. Its relentless, like a war of attrition. Wearing you out. Starving you. You can see the outside world, you just can't reach it.

Any comments on the Logo? My sister sent me a text with comments which were very constructive.

Another hectic week has come and gone. It has been a busy/quiet week. During the quiet times I have been struggling to get problems sorted on my PC. Very frustrating when you can't use your hands.

This is my new Logo.


So what do you think?

I have appointed accountants and start officially trading next year. I offer consultancy and research services on all aspects of consumer/customer innovation.

I am about to go and pick up Alex. We have to work on his maths and and science for school tests.

Went to see a movie this week. I was hoping to see Borat,but could only get into "The Devil wears Prada" . All about the seduction of success with some humour and set in the fashion world. Ambition, its all about priorities.

Last night was off to the pub for a couple of Guiness before coming back for a movie and take away.

Phew. With the weekend drawing to a close I suddenly realise it is a week since I last updated you on the tale of wacky J.

Yeah, its been a busy week. With life in a wheelchair its easy to have a busy week. It seems everything is happening to you as opposed to with you. Like a victim of time. You can make your plans but you need others to make them happen. (and for some reason they just don't do things quickly enough or correctly, ha)Yes, like some madman trying to rule the world, my strategy depends on others. No, I don't want to rule the world, just my own life.


Let's talk about stress, baby.
Let's talk about stress and me.
Let's talk about all the good things and the bad things that may be.

Do you know that song?I know I have probably ruined it for you, but these words are for my life. Stress. The condition of so many people. An emotion I have never suffered unduly from. When stressed we can either succeed or fail,achieve or shrivel. Good stress is useful, boosting your performance. Bad stress on the other hand,wears you down.It lowers self-esteem,it makes performance erratic and can also affect health.

Never have I been a chronic sufferer of the later,until I took up the challenge of living with my disabilty. Why, should this be stressfull, you may well ask. It is because I choose to do this, therefore, "My choice" and no one else, I have to maintain my independence my choice should not be forced upon others. So, the choice has been made to live this life and to succeed.

The stress is the daily repetition of mundane activities, no more exciting than watching water evaporate, but for which your constant attention is required with concurrent commands about correct method and next steps. Try it,ask someone to brush your teeth and be sure they do it properly and the way you like it. I tell you what, that may be too difficult, so try a good face wash instead. You will find every 5 people will do it it just right but most will struggle.

I have learned to keep a lid on this stress. I cannot afford to allow my stress to boil over. Why? You may consider it unhealthy. You may suggest I "let it all hang out". Think about it. I am unable to perform any activity for myself. (Oh, this is written with a specially adapted PC, by myself, but aside from this.) All my needs require me to request another person to perform. As I live by myself, they become the only door to achievin my task (at that moment). If I am not circumspect with my emotions they will feel chastised and hurt and I risk not getting my task done. So the stress is supressed.

I know there are side-effects.I am painfully aware of the emotional burden I carry and the damage it does.

The extended warm season continues. Today is warm (15 deg) and best of all sunny. We set the clocks back so an extra hour in bed today. I'm going to update you on the last 3 days.

Friday was expected to be warm and sunny but after deciding to go boating the weather clouded over and remained at a measely 12 degrees with a nasty breeze. Not to be put-off I went ahead with my plan and went boating. Alan works as a ranger at this great reservoir.So he arranged a wheelchair boat and we set off for some fishing and boating. It was great! An experience I never anticipated having in a wheelchair. I include a few pics to give you a glimpse of the fun, brrr...






Yesterday I remembered I had invited the kids over for a roast beef. So after getting up, went shopping, bought a roast and sundries, came back and started preparing. Well it was great we sat around,laughing, joking and enjoying the company and the bond we share.

I had a good birthday yesterday.I woke up in a bad state and took awhile to recover. I constantly find myself having to put up with moody people. Nobody is moody all the time, I am seldom moody. I do however, get depressed or low. I seldom let this be felt outside of me.But I can't stand rude,moody behaviour. If its never discussed or made reference to it becomes a shroud and shadows then suspiciously hang over the good bits. Whilst you pause any further involvement till you understand... This can effect intimate relationships clearly, but not being in one for years I now report, with authority, that it affects all other relationships as well.

My children and Colleen came over yesterday with some lovely well thought out gifts. Those kids are really special and have such lovely personalities. All I ever wanted for my children was that they would be happy in their own skins. To accept themselves with love and forgiveness.

Its late and I am tired. I struggle to keep going these days. I just have to keep going.

Ecademy has occupied my brain today as I try to get myself geared up for business. The idea is to network and market myself using the web. Takes a lot of time, but you get to e-meet many people.
My domestic situation is a mess with care arrangements all over the place. I hope I can get it sorted, but it gets to you to deal with this all over again.

River

I slip
I slide
I drift on a liquid streams
Weightless
Helpless but relaxed
Immersed not wet - not cold
Passing scenes interrupt

Desert

Soft, trickling, smooth, cool, sand
volcanic, unyielding, jagged rocks
juxtaposed
meaningless?

Fragments of unconscious dreams that I remember from my months after the accident when I began to awake after a few weeks.

I had to get these down to stop them. I constantly try to find meaning and some hope by understanding them. There are others, these are uniquely sensorical and words cannot capture the memory of how they feel. Reminders like a glimpse of soft, smooth skin, a shoulder or a cheek raised by a smile, can bring back dream.

Well either the antibiotics are working or I was recovering, I feel a lot better. Apart from the occasional cough, full recovery is eminent. Thanks to you all for your wishes and encouragement.

My meeting today was a real shocker as I was told that my understanding of the offer to me was worse than I thought and I now have to make my mind up. This puts a lot more pressure on me and I am very nervous now. OK, the good news is Jemma came to see me with work. This piece of work may just get me started on a positive note. Thanks Jem you have been a gem.

Antibiotics appear to be working but give me the runs... 'nuff said.

If you have joined in my LinkedIn network or ecademy, I would love to hear what you think. I think our future will be dominated by these virtual networks of real people. Clearly a great tool for people to manage this typically, informal structure. If you wanna join or check it out go to the links on the rhs.

Its day 3 now of antibiotics.I had a visit from the doctor on Friday and found out I had now developed bronchitis. Not serious yet. So after 2 full days of antibiotics I have a slight improvement.

I picked up Ruth yesterday. We went to a local pub for a drink and I secretly hoped we would catch the Liverpool match. No such luck. Ruth enjoyed herself and sat opposite me and nattered away like a cascading waterfall. We were talking about smoking and drinking and it was intresting to hear her opinion. She has some very strong opinions and is adamant that she "will never do these". Although at 10 years we might all say this, she has the character to actually stick with it. I remember when the kids were small (3 or 4), I would play role play games. With Ruth I would say "You be Dad and I'll be you ". She wouldn't do it. Instead insisting, she was Ruth and I was Dad. Very sweet, and this characteristic for correctness is still there today.

I was so encouraged by the comments in the last entry. Thanks all!

Let me tell you about the last few days. (What I can make sense of, at any rate.. ) Well I have been at my worst level of illness since leaving hospital 2 years ago. In fact, yesterday I was so bad I stayed in bed for the day. I haven't done this for ages, because I hate lying in bed. So unable to sleep for days now I hoped to catch up. No such luck! I just lay there like the last few nights, alternating between hot and cold and sneezing.

On top of this I have had temporary carers. Trying to direct my care and think about the appropriate treatment for my cold whilst weak, disheartened and exhausted was hard to do. This is the price for living alone and being so independent.

I am due to go into meeting with HR in the next few days. I think it's my final meeting (by the tone of the letter). I am disappointed by the sourness. I have always been a faithfull employee and my cautiousness and nervousness has been met by suspicion and resentment. I have accepted my redundancy and simply wish to proceed carefully.

Phew! Eeaaargh!*@&*! What a fight to keep going in the last few days. I have been physically drained by the effects of my cold/MRSA combination. It feels OK some days but then flares up with a vengence. The result is sneezing,spluttering and violent movements in the chair. I can't control this and it stops work for 10 minutes while recovery and clean-up are progressed.

Thanks for encouraging me to write today, I would not have had the strength.

I am onto my 3rd carer in 3 days. The last 2 are temporarily filling in but without proper training of my specific situation everything is slower and more difficult.

Work is tough under these circumstances and inspiration illusive. I need to crack on.

Today I had a really bad day, low in all respects. I find that I would like to do something constructive in moments like this. So I am going to update you on strengths (as promised). OH, by the way, thanks for all the encouraging comments you are great readers. Don't feel you have to always encourage me I do need a wake up now and then.

Do you know your strengths? What are they? Can you list them? I bet you know your weaknesses. If you have been appraised or had a personal development plan, then you will know about your weaknesses.

Strengths are based on your talents and "easy flow " behaviours. Things you do well without trying. Often when combined with a learnt skill they are more obvious. For example you have a good eye for shape and colour, when combined with a skill for drawing you can see graphic design as a strength but it could also be turned into architecture.

Take a look this list of 34 strengths (from the book "Now, Discover Your Strengths"
by Marcus Buckingham , Donald O. Clifton)see for blurb https://www.strengthsfinder.com/faq/$LINGO/0/0/booksite/en/learn_more_home.html

The list from the book with my top 5 in red) :

Achiever
People strong in the Achiever theme have a great deal of stamina and work hard. They take great satisfaction from being busy and productive.
Activator
People strong in the Activator theme can make things happen by turning thoughts into action. They are often impatient.

Adaptability
People strong in the Adaptability theme prefer to "go with the flow." They tend to be "now" people who take things as they come and discover the future one day at a time.
Analytical
People strong in the Analytical theme search for reasons and causes. They have the ability to think about all the factors that might affect a situation.
Arranger
People strong in the Arranger theme can organize, but they also have a flexibility that complements this ability. They like to figure out how all of the pieces and resources can be arranged for maximum productivity.
Belief
People strong in the Belief theme have certain core values that are unchanging. Out of these values emerges a defined purpose for their life.
Command
People strong in the Command theme have presence. They can take control of a situation and make decisions.
Communication
People strong in the Communication theme generally find it easy to put their thoughts into words. They are good conversationalists and presenters.
Competition
People strong in the Competition theme measure their progress against the performance of others. They strive to win first place and revel in contests.
Connectedness
People strong in the Connectedness theme have faith in the links between all things. They believe there are few coincidences and that almost every event has a reason.
Context
People strong in the Context theme enjoy thinking about the past. They understand the present by researching its history.
Deliberative
People strong in the Deliberative theme are best described by the serious care they take in making decisions or choices. They anticipate the obstacles.
Developer
People strong in the Developer theme recognize and cultivate the potential in others. They spot the signs of each small improvement and derive satisfaction from these improvements.
Discipline
People strong in the Discipline theme enjoy routine and structure. Their world is best described by the order they create.
Empathy
People strong in the Empathy theme can sense the feelings of other people by imagining themselves in others’ lives or others’ situations.
Consistency
(formerly Fairness) People strong in the Consistency theme are keenly aware of the need to treat people the same. They try to treat everyone in the world with consistency by setting up clear rules and adhering to them.
Focus
People strong in the Focus theme can take a direction, follow through, and make the corrections
necessary to stay on track. They prioritize, then act.
Futuristic
People strong in the Futuristic theme are inspired by the future and what could be. They inspire others with their visions of the future.
Harmony
People strong in the Harmony theme look for consensus. They don’t enjoy conflict; rather, they seek areas of agreement.
Ideation
People strong in the Ideation theme are fascinated by ideas. They are able to find connections between seemingly disparate phenomena.
Includer
(formerly Inclusiveness) People strong in the Includer theme are accepting of others. They show awareness of those who feel left out, and make an effort to include them.
Individualization
People strong in the Individualization theme are intrigued with the unique qualities of each person. They have a gift for figuring out how people who are different can work together productively.
Input
People strong in the Input theme have a craving to know more. Often they like to collect and archive all kinds of information.
Intellection
People strong in the Intellection theme are characterized by their intellectual activity. They are
introspective and appreciate intellectual discussions.
Learner
People strong in the Learner theme have a great desire to learn and want to continuously improve. In particular, the process of learning, rather than the outcome, excites them.
Maximizer
People strong in the Maximizer theme focus on strengths as a way to stimulate personal and group excellence. They seek to transform something strong into something superb.
Positivity
People strong in the Positivity theme have an enthusiasm that is contagious. They are upbeat and can get others excited about what they are going to do.
Relator
People who are strong in the Relator theme enjoy close relationships with others. They find deep satisfaction in working hard with friends to achieve a goal.
Responsibility
People strong in the Responsibility theme take psychological ownership of what they say they will do. They are committed to stable values such as honesty and loyalty.
Restorative
People strong in the Restorative theme are adept at dealing with problems. They are good at figuring out what is wrong and resolving it.
Self−Assurance
People strong in the Self−assurance theme feel confident in their ability to manage their own lives. They possess an inner compass that gives them confidence that their decisions are right.
Significance
People strong in the Significance theme want to be very important in the eyes of others. They are independent and want to be recognized.
Strategic
People strong in the Strategic theme create alternative ways to proceed. Faced with any given scenario, they can quickly spot the relevant patterns and issues.
Woo
People strong in the Woo theme love the challenge of meeting new people and winning them over. They derive satisfaction from breaking the ice and making a connection with another person.