Lately I
feel the effect of the last year of illness. When I ended up in ICU 3 times and
spent almost a year in ICU recovering and waiting for care arrangements, I
found out that whilst I was sedated; there were considerations about whether to
turn off the life support. I realised that the value of my life had become a
lot less. Effectively, the question of whether to preserve my life had become a
justification. In other words "was there any reason to preserve my
life".
When one
is weak and vulnerable, the value of your life is diminished. I know that I
have a low quality life compared to normal able bodied persons. I don't go out
much, I can't ever have a normal relationship, I experience severe periods of
loneliness. The list of negatives is indeed long.
Yet,
through all of this I love and I am loved. I am still able to do things for
others whether advice, guidance or encouragement. I can enjoy the small things
a warm fire, a sunny day and beauty in people and things around me.
I fight
to keep alive; some weeks it feels like a daily challenge. I am very aware of
the fragility of my life. There is a point where I am powerless to make a
difference to my health and I have to let it be. On the days when I feel the
weakness and my system deteriorates I despair at the tenuous nature of it all.
The words
of Dylan Thomas addressed to his dying father replay over and over in my mind;
Do not go gentle
into that good night,
Old age should burn
and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against
the dying of the light.
