Is it Christmas?

 21 December 2023

11:31

I get up everyday and I try to make the most of the time that my body will allow. It is rare to get a day that is comfortable and pain free but it is a treasure. Today is not such a day but a day good enough to write a few words.
 

It's 4 days to Christmas and the world is still in a shocking place of conflict, war and naturally occurring disasters. So much suffering and pain. I find myself grateful that my suffering is not within a war zone or disaster area. The images of children and vulnerable people being brutalised because of man made destruction and war is the hardest thing to bear. I think about Sudan and the war killing civilians because of 2 generals craving power. I think of Gaza and the relentless bombing as Israel purses Hamas to avenge the atrocities of 7/10. I think of Ukraine where Russian aggression and Putin's lust for their land has destroyed so many lives and livelihoods.
 

Where is Christmas? Where are the leaders?  Where are the peace makers? The only beauty and hope is in the hearts of people struggling to survive. They never give in but fight for the most important right we all have - to live.

Reflections

So I wake up everyday and look up at the ceiling. That is not unusual when you are lying on your back. I am always on my back at night and my carers turn me onto my side in the morning. I sleep on my back because I  am paralysed and I have found it to be the least likely to cause pressure points and doesn't require me to reposition during the night. Being unable to move your body makes the world into a different place. Simple things get complicated. Just going to sleep is a lot of fuss and preparation. Typically half of an hour is needed for the important task of positioning the body and getting the bed covers correct. This is important because a badly aligned body is at risk of pressure points and pain. This lowers sleep quality and increases the risk of skin damage. So I do spend time getting setup for the night because it is so important for my sleep and health.

 

When I wake up and I look at the ceiling i see the light fittings. Actually I see each light fitting twice and so on with every detail in the room, everything is doubled. The accident which paralysed me also left me with optical nerve damage. So I now have an eye that looks sideways when I look straight ahead. Unfortunately the damage creates a large separation between what the left eye and the right eye see. It is literally like seeing everything twice which isn't like getting double payout but more like double the confusion. For a long time in hospital, when I first started to come round after 3 months I was convinced my room had 2 of everything. 2 doors , 2 cupboards and 2 lamps. Somehow I never noticed the 2 doctors and 2 nurses. It was a confusing time. I didn't know I was seeking double and the people around me didn't know. I suspect that people noticed my right eye staring crazily to the right as if it was looking at something in the background but nobody ever said anything.

 

To correct double vision is not difficult for minor deviation. When the damage is as bad as mine is the solution doesn't work very well and overall you still get some effect and deterioration of the eyesight. Another adjustment to my world as I have tried to work out the impact of my accident. So double vision is not double value but more like double trouble.

Wake Up South Africa

South Africa in the early years of freedom was looked up to as an example of justice and hope for all. Everyone wanted to be photographed with Nelson Mandela. South African representation for woman and LGBTQ+ was an example to others. In the last 2 decades we have seen corruption, mismanagement and lawlessness result in poor growth and a weaker economy that is disabled by a broken power grid.

This has been like watching a slow motion train crash. Each stage was avoidable but failing to fix it early piled on the cost to repair the problem and stop the decline. Now load shedding is a daily occurrence. There is no hint of improvement. The government has a land rich in natural resources, bursting with creative people and with natural beauty that attracts millions of visitors. Yet it is looking toward corrupt, criminal regimes like Putin's Russia and hoping for handouts from China.

When Russia invaded Ukraine in February 2022 I was offended by the act of brutal imperialism. Russia had been interfering in Ukraine for years and in 2014 annexed a large territory of Ukraine called Crimea. Putin has been on a mission to build a Russia that fulfils his geopolitical view of the world. He has systematically moved Russia toward a corrupt dictatorship with a news agenda set by the state and with all opposition suppressed or jailed.

I was offended by the invasion because Ukraine is a peaceful civilized country and as a neighbour to Russia has many family links and relationships; it is simply an act of ego driven insanity to plan and then execute the plan to bomb and kill your neighbour to grow your territory. This seemed to have echoes of WW2 and Hitler's crazy plans. I was offended because many would die and suffer when the world was in a perilous place facing climate change and the need for unity.

I began to see the world divide into 2 groups - 1. those opposed to Russian brutality and 2. those who were neutral or supportive. While the size of group 2. was small it was disturbing that countries could support the invasion of a peaceful neighbour. This was an illegal act.

I was confused when SA refused to condemn Russian aggregation, by abstaining in UN votes calling for Russia to withdraw. My dismay continued when SA joined in naval military exercises with Russia and China. I was confused and ashamed of my country when I have always been so proud of the democracy we had become in 1994.

I didn't realise how far the SA government had moved away from justice and fairness until the International Criminal Court found Putin guilty of war crimes, which means that he is eligible for arrest if he enters any country that is a member of the ICC. SA has long been a member of the ICC and we have played a role in establishing the procedures. However, since the ruling against Putin, SA has talked of leaving the ICC.

Wake up SA! Your country is beguiled by an evil dictator. Your government is drawing you into his orbit where you will see that corruption and lies will drive you into dispair and into a lawless state.

Paralyzed for 20 years

When I first heard about full body paralysis I didn't see the point of living with such an isolating condition. What would be the point of life without the ability to do anything? I was 16 years old and somehow the subject of being paralyzed in this way had come up and I remember thinking about it afterwards. I didn't really understand what it meant but I didn't believe it would be worth living with. I thought that it would be better to be dead than to live with this condition. With the quality of life so low I was unable to see the point of being alive. What would be the point of not being able to move and what about sex? My 16 year old self had no understanding of the way his life would develop.

Now I am nearly 60 years old and I have been paralyzed for 20 years. I have become the person my 16 year old self could hardly imagine worth staying alive as. I don't move and I have a very weak voice. So I don't do or speak much and there isn't much I can do. I mostly "speak" through my writing but this is very limiting and restricts interactive communication.. What about my 16 year old self, what would he say to me now

Would he tell me just to end it when he realised that life would become very lonely. When he began to see how challenging each day would be, no more lie ins and quick showers, or walking barefoot on the lawn and reading a book under the tree, or plunging into the pool on a hot day. Yes and no more relationships with sex, What about life without a loving relationship - surely that can't be worth living? At 16 sex is always on a boys mind, indeed at 60 sex is always on my mind. At 16 I couldn't imagine a life without sex even though I had never had sex I knew the pleasure that was part of it. I longed for the intimacy that a sexual relationships promised.

What would the 16 year old Julius tell me knowing what my life is now? When he discovers that the intimacy with girls that consumed his thoughts was never going to be, In fact the relationship he had with his own body would cease and instead he would watch other people clean and groom his body. The ache of the longing never leaves and nothing else can replace the loneliness of losing touch with your own body.

I have tried to live with my new life with dignity and I have tried to appreciate the beauty of life. I am alive and what an improbable privilege that is.

Amazing Life

I have had some difficult days and it makes me sad. Sad that I am alone now and even though surrounded by good people - they are not my people. So I have to just keep my thoughts locked up. When I have bad days my bp low and I feel spaced, I don't want to be alone but I can't share.. I find myself alone unable to use my pc and phoning is not an option, so I just have to try to relax.

It's an awful place to be - and I feel afraid sometimes . I just feel that I am not part of anything and I will just slip away in solitude. So after being so loving and giving, I am afraid of being alone at the end. Yet, I know that nobody owes me anything and I am not able to share my life with anyone, so I must accept my place, it is what is is.
Life is a most amazing occurrence, a privilege. I fight for my life, it is amazing to have life.

 

Lifeline

 

So imagine a line running alongside your life, when you are born you emerge from the line and move away from it, when you are young and well you are far from the line but age and illness more you closer to the line. In 2002, 20 years ago, I was far from the line but a motorbike crash put me in a coma and broke my neck; causing me to rapidly move toward the line and flirt with crossing it.

 

For 3 months after the crash, I bumped along the line and I began to wake up to learn I was paralysed. I have done well;  my immobilised body has kept going. For the following 14 years I stayed well away from the line using my remaining physical capacity to the maximum.

 

Then in 2016 I had an infection which drew me back towards the line and it took a lot of my strength to keep above the line. After a long stay in ICU I had an operation to fit me with a tracheostomy I returned home to live with a ventilator overnight and reduced strength. My life was getting closer to the line. I started to be concerned for my time left when in 2019 I began to have periods of very low blood pressure. I felt my life moving toward the line on a daily basis. I decided to get my final will completed.

 

Today I felt myself slipping again as my blood pressure dropped and I felt the pull toward the line. Appreciate your life keep your body healthy and enjoy it.

Wake Up Now

 

The world around you has changed, it has changed fundamentally. We haven't yet come out of the pandemic and now Putin's  war on Ukraine is taking effect. I am sure that you are numb from hearing the bad news and like climate change you just can't be bothered. Maybe you feel powerless and don't know what to do. Maybe you can't be bothered.

 

Our world as in crisis and the only leadership that is affecting us all is the total madness of Putin. In the western world, leaders are not taking on the issues and seem content to shout from the side-lines. So what is the most important issue? We are in the beginning of a global food crisis, triggered by the war in Ukraine, which followed the peak of the on going pandemic within the window for climate change avoidance measures. We are all going to see our world change and change badly for the worse. Millions of people will die. The disastrous effect of war in Ukraine will remove a large contribution of wheat and sunflower oil from the market and continue the rise in fuel prices. This will destabilise my world and  damages your comfortable world. For many people it will be life threatening.

 

So the small mind of Putin, driven by a nostalgic lust for the power of the past has touched us all and now threatens the lives of many people. He will be remembered in history on the same list as Hitler and Stalin; a man who attempted to rekindle the past has destroyed the future for Russia and robbed Russians of the constructive role in building a modern peaceful world.

 

So what is this to you? Why should you care? You should wake up now because the war in Ukraine will effect your life and the lives of everyone on earth. You should be angry at the insult to everything that humans are trying to achieve - peace and hope for the world. You should be upset by this action to destroy a peaceful country on the basis of lies and disinformation. Putin has destroyed his political opposition and suppressed his own people. World leaders have been ineffective and watch while Ukraine defends itself and Russia destroys their cities, just as it did in Syria. Furthermore, Russia has blocked the international access to Ukraine ports, stopping the flow of food to the world.
 

Wake up and protest against this war. Stop Putin's war. Do not stand by and do nothing. Every voice is important to keep the pressure on to keep the light on the issue.

 

Help me to do this. I am only a man, disabled by a broken neck, voiceless but I can write on a pc. Help me to fight for our common humanity - share this or write your own - just do something.

 

Wake up now!

 

Stop Putin's war

 

https://ukraineworld.org/

#putin

#ukrainewar

#stopputinswar

#madman