It has been a week since I last sat down to complete an update to my blog. There are several reasons for this. I can obviously point out that I'm busy, and I have been training a new carer. Interesting enough this may be, but I worry that this alone does not account for my poor diligence in respect to my blog. There is a further dimension. It may explain this and more. My emotional energy generator is running slow. This is essential for all of us to function, more so for disabled people. It is not something inherent in ones character but it's like a fruit tree. A tree that gives much fruit requires much attention and the right food. This may be a factor, I don't know anymore. I just do my best, one day at a time.

Friday was a good day and after a hard few days preparing for a meeting, the meeting went ever so well. Linda, my pa, had been ill all week and off colour on Thursday. I needed her experience and skill with market research to do this project so as I prepared to do the meeting with or without assistance I was relieved when she arrived and it was a totally successful day.

On Friday night I picked up Alex and Carmen and Colleen dropped Ruth off after her performing arts school lessons, at 6:30 the next day.

Today was an early start as we took Carmen to her Netball tournament. Tried to find a nice cafe for lunch afterwards but failed and ended up in Sainsbury's restaurant. Carmen's team won the first match 13-0 and promplty lost the second 1-15. Oh well!

It was a lovely warm weekend. I spent the time enjoying the warm weather and yesterday had a bbq with a few friends.

I have been very busy doing a project for a client and don't have much spare time any more. At least I'm busy! I so wish I could read and scribble notes! I have difficulty jotting down impromptu thoughts and ideas so consequently productivity is not good. I have taken on some specialised work and need to recruit a full time researcher.

Watched a great movie yesterday. "The worlds fastest Indian ". Its about a guy who sets the record for the fastest Indian motorbike. It's a lovely movie which will have you laughing and crying. The video was lent to me by Jim.He received it from the producer,whilst in New Zealand, at a conference to which he was invited. Thanks Jim.

I am not ashamed to say, I cried. For the first time in 4 -5 years (since the accident). Big tears and sobs. I suppose it was a combination of pent-up emotion, lost dreams and frustration. More about this another time...

Anyone else seen the movie?

I don't have a lot to report at the moment. I have been too busy with a project I'm doing. Sleep, when it comes, is the only escape! (OK, I exaggerate)

I spent the weekend with all 3 kids. We had gorgeous weather and spent loads of time on the new microscope.

I have a great picture which captures the 3 in character.

Very low today. I found yesterday a strain. I don't like to show my pain when my children are here and consequently I end up pushing myself too hard. I think it's days like that that make me spiral down into a pit of despair and hopelessness. I went to bed negative about my life, lay awake negative and woke up negative. I miss the care of a close friend, someone who can see when you are down, someone who picks you up when you fall. In the last 4-5 years (and especially the last 2) I have been trying to be"strong " I do a good cover up.

The lunch was OK. A bit too salty. We finished it off with a rhubarb crumble and cream.

I went to visit friends yesterday. John and Lyn live about 15 min away. Very hospitable people. I really enjoyed the time there and hope I didn't overstay my welcome!

There were a few snippets on the radio this morning (have I mentioned that I listen to the radio every morning whilst being dressed? ) anyway 2 pieces caught my attention. The first was about a chap who lost both hands and both feet due frostbite while mountaineering. When he spoke of the difficulties and the emotions I had such a mixture of feelings. I remembered the feelings of hopelessness. The bewilderment. Inevitability thoughts dwell on suicide. The long road which awaits cannot be realised or conceptualised. I have all my limbs and apart from my lower right leg, which has withered, I look normal. I can't speak freely and can't move. What have I achieved? What have I to look forward to. I can't decide what is a realistic target for my life. This chap had resumed his climbing career. And was doing well. I don't know sometimes I just find it a challenge to get up in the morning.

The second piece that caught my ear was about "Cuddle parties". Where groups gather.,without alcohol, just to talk to offer a friendly touch and open up. What can I say? The symptom of the modern lifestyle!

Tomorrow, Easter Sunday. I hope to have the kids over for Sunday roast and an Easter egg hunt.

Its Good Friday. I expect a lovely warm weekend. I would love to be out doing some planting and seed trays, but Debbie (carer)is not that way inclined so I won't frustrate myself by going outside.
I have loads of work anyway. So I really should do as much as I can.

I registered a limited company yesterday so now I can call myself Ladwig Consumer Insight Ltd . It's a bit more expensive but should be profitable to me in the long term.

I really don't feel inspired to write today and I can't keep my thoughts focused so I will try later.

Finally some pictures of the farewell I had from Unilever some friends and colleagues, some food and wine and a great time was was the result see February 18 .

Honestly, it is hard to say goodbye and even harder to move on. The blackholes caused by the dreadful impact of this injury and subsequent disability leave me bewildered and confused. A feeling of emptiness which is made worse by saying goodbye.

So thank you all for being there and supporting me. Keep in touch. I am always here. (Thanks for the photos Stuart! )

Fred and Sally sat opposite me for a time.

Fred trying to read, you forget a lot when you retire.
(note: Sally has a condescending look of disdain! )

John kindly said a few words and hoped that I would shut up.

The wine was good so I shamelessly replied to the false propaganda being broadcast by John.

The table where most drinking took place (I am told wine flowed)

Ok, you lot look too happy, you must be up to something. What was that Irene?

This was a fun table, from Teresa and Tricia's rosy cheeks and smile. Notice Jim trying to escape the photo.

Sally is obviously bored by the conversation and is caught looking around.

The three musketeers, Ian, Iain and John.