I have had some difficult days and it makes me sad. Sad that I am alone now and even though surrounded by good people - they are not my people. So I have to just keep my thoughts locked up. When I have bad days my bp low and I feel spaced, I don't want to be alone but I can't share.. I find myself alone unable to use my pc and phoning is not an option, so I just have to try to relax.
It's an awful place to be - and I feel afraid sometimes . I just feel that I am not part of anything and I will just slip away in solitude. So after being so loving and giving, I am afraid of being alone at the end. Yet, I know that nobody owes me anything and I am not able to share my life with anyone, so I must accept my place, it is what is is.
Life is a most amazing occurrence, a privilege. I fight for my life, it is amazing to have life.
2 comments:
Good morning Julius. It is nearly 3-30am and, for numerous reasons, I am still wide awake and bushy-tailed. (old Aussie saying). Just cruising through facebook and saw you had written in your blog. I wish you didn't feel so alone. It is so important to be with your tribe. I have been wondering how you were going. I have just dealt with two very different deaths.
The first was a lady I met via a Facebook group. She lived in Thailand and Ivor and I were going there for a holiday. I suggested we meet up and she could help me with learning the Thai language. It turns out that she had moved back to Perth due to illness and she was in the very same hospital that a friend of mine was in. We met there and then and got on really well. She had COPD and there wasn't enough medical care available for her in the village where she was living so she had to say goodbye to her Thai family and move back home where the hospitals could care for her. Roll on to a few weeks ago and my friend, who was little more than a breath and a heartbeat on a bed finally earned her angel wings. She was permitted to utilise our new euthanasia laws and gratefully took her last breath.
My aunt contacted me and told me she was feeling very unwell and that she had a couple of things that used to belong to her mother that she wanted me to have. I drove down to Busselton, about a 3-hour drive from home and did an enormous amount of cleaning for her. She had been too ill to do any for several months and her husband was NOT helpful...lol. I spent a few days enjoying her company and came back to Perth. Three days later she also earned her angel wings so back to Busselton and the funeral this past week. Hectic, sad, happy and oh so many memories have been drowning me these last few days. I wish I was there to hold your hand. I am part of your tribe. xxxcoralxxx
That aloneness is possibly one of the most frightening emotions, but also something we have to learn to adjust to. I can sense with both mom and dad as they have reached the last leg of their lives where they too are no longer just able to do what they would like to do, they need to ask for assistance, wait for that assistance. Mom can't always find the right words to express what she needs and is often misunderstood, and that is a very lonely place to be. And what I have sensed in both is the fear of dying alone.
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