All my friends, family and readers of this blog.

I wish you all an enjoyable and blessed Christmas.

I sat at the table and waited. When they arrived I could feel the tension. I never found an opportunity to talk. Each had plans that didn't include me.

Before long she returned to fetch them. Walking through the doorway a face like thunder. Venom dripped from the vicious words. Hearts and minds paralysed with confusion and fear I watched their dazed walk.

In the silence that remained I reflected.
Selfishness and self pity
Destructive and mean I thought.

Yes I know it's crazy, 2 posts to the blog in 2 days. It is not often that I might feel proud but my children make me enormously proud and last night was no exception. They were part of a production of "Mulan " being staged by the drama club that they attend on weekends. Having a role in a play is privelage enough, but my daughters each had a significant part. Ruth was a soldier in the emperors army and Carmen played a leading role as Mulan.

They worked hard and Ruth supported her sister throughout the lead up to last night. She is very dedicated and serious about performing. As the lead lady Carmen appeared in virtually every scene, she had loads to remember and sing. There were some real tear jerking solos and some lovely group scenes.

I include some pictures.

I don't know if anyone reads these or whether you are just passing. Writing these was a way for me to come to terms with the massive mistakes I have made and the tragic circumstances of my now one dimensional life. I am changing and some of the change is not good.

I think I under-estimated the size of the challenge and the length of sheer repetitive lonely times. Heck,I am not complaining or bemoaning my situation, I wonder if I can keep it up and sustain the dignity and respect my fragile ego needs to survive.

Some of the changes I have noticed. Impatience, short temper and deep extreme loneliness . They may be considered acceptable and even expected. I consider them dangerous to my well being. Mainly because of the effect on my state of mind and motivation.

I have used the internet to keep in touch with friends and family, it help, but it can't beat a phone call or a big hug. (Anyway as a virtual medium its virtually useless for anything important)

So I was sent a recipe for German cookies by Milada in Germany (see earlier note) and I will try these soon. If you would like to I have included it:

Vanillekipferl

Small Crescent-shaped Rolls with Vanilla

Zutaten/Ingredients:

200 g Mehl/flour

50 g Zucker/sugar

3 Päckchen Vanillezucker oder/packets of vanilla-sugar or

1/2 ausgeschabte Vanilleschote/scraped vanilla pod

80 g geschälte, geriebene Mandeln/skined sharped almonds

150 g Butter/butter

Vanillezucker mit Puderzucker gemischt zum Wälzen/vanilla-sugar mixed with powder sugar to coat with when ready at the end

I take always a double amount of the ingredients!!! That means you should take 400 g flour etc. as well...

But I remain by 3 packets of vanilla-sugar, only. Or 1 scraped vanilla pod, if I have it. Because you have to coat the ready small rolls with vanilla-sugar mixed with powder sugar at the end anyway. Otherwise it would be too much of vanilla, I suppose.

I take also mostly sharped walnuts instead of skined sharped almonds. I like it with walnuts. But you can take any sharped nuts.

- I make the butter warm. You can work better with it, if it is liquid. But it shouldn´t cook, of course.

- I put everything in a bowl and knead it well together.

- the dough should rest for about a quarter of hour in a cold place

- you knead the dough again and make several pieces of it

- you roll out each piece and cut it in small pieces and roll each small piece on the table and form it into

a small crescent-shaped roll, the ends should be shaped

(but they can be round as well, everyone can decide how to do it, of course - anyway, somebody makes

them 3 centimetes large, somebody likes them larger - I make 3-4 cm)

- you put it on the backing tray, you don´t make the tray fatty (you have enough fatt in the dough)

- you prepare all the backing trays before you start to bake!!!

- you make the heater on about 190 °C (I make 180 - it depends, you have to take care!)

- you bake about 10 minutes (you can try, otherwise they are ready when they begin to smell wonderful!)

- you take a deep plate and put in it vanilla-suger mixed with powder sugar

- when the Vanillekipfer are ready, you start to coat them with the mixed sugar

Good chance!

Yours Milada and Alexander