From emptiness to hope

Last time I wrote about emptiness and the feeling you get when you don't feel human, feel seperate from others. Today I am in a better place but the separateness of being disabled adds a dimension to life that others in your life can't relate to. I don't expect they will be able and I don't really mind; but I need connection. To feel that I am more than an object of interest. A person, who needs dignity ,love and hope. Yes hope.

I have a good sense of humour and can keep up with most. I have opinions on most things but can't be bothered to talk when I feel ignored. Sometimes when speaking I will gettalked over. That is tough. When you already feel invisible it can be hurtful. Hey, I used to be able to banter as good as anyone ,now I am a listener.

Emotions are not something to be afraid of or embarrassed by. They define our humanity. Making us separate from AI(artificial intelligence) and giving us abilities we don't understand. The ability to be motivated , ultruistic, caring and hopeful in the face of obvious hopelessness.

Our foolishness ,our quirkyness,our crooked teeth and wobbly smiles. Are perfect. Perfect definitions of our humanity.

Maddening emptiness

I sit listening and sometimes watching the 6 o'clock news. I have just eaten 2 finger roll with some leftover homemade boerewors (sausage) and the salad bits nobody wanted. A simple meal which proved difficult. Depending on another's hands is never easy but being fed is the hardest when it comes to finger food. How to hold it and release it so that the bite is possible and it goes into the mouth and not around the mouth. Eating salad is another challenge. I don't eat much during the day. I prefer to undergo the frustration and irritation of being fed only once a day.
Its  not all that bad. Sometimes it can be a pleasure to enjoy the meal leisurely and without concern for the process.

I looked forward to today as I was expecting to see the kids with cousin Cara and Colleen. Arriving just as my physio was due to start meant that I needed to cut short my session. Unfortunately, Cara wasn't with them and had returned by train earlier and Ruth was at school. I had taken out some of my home made boerewors out earlier. Now barbequed, they all scoffed whilst I watched.
Emptiness has filled me, the fleeting visit has cemented the walls that seem to be separating me from others. The wheelchair used to feel like a force-field, keeping others at a distance. Somehow I have become the force field. Now, after all have left, I feel like water that is poured onto a beach, spent.
Trying to eat a meal and give instruction about being fed is just another burden that threatens to overload my temperament. I feel my carer's resentment when I remark that the task I asked for 2 days hasn't been done but I ignore it and remain undeterred.
More walls.