Maddening emptiness

I sit listening and sometimes watching the 6 o'clock news. I have just eaten 2 finger roll with some leftover homemade boerewors (sausage) and the salad bits nobody wanted. A simple meal which proved difficult. Depending on another's hands is never easy but being fed is the hardest when it comes to finger food. How to hold it and release it so that the bite is possible and it goes into the mouth and not around the mouth. Eating salad is another challenge. I don't eat much during the day. I prefer to undergo the frustration and irritation of being fed only once a day.
Its  not all that bad. Sometimes it can be a pleasure to enjoy the meal leisurely and without concern for the process.

I looked forward to today as I was expecting to see the kids with cousin Cara and Colleen. Arriving just as my physio was due to start meant that I needed to cut short my session. Unfortunately, Cara wasn't with them and had returned by train earlier and Ruth was at school. I had taken out some of my home made boerewors out earlier. Now barbequed, they all scoffed whilst I watched.
Emptiness has filled me, the fleeting visit has cemented the walls that seem to be separating me from others. The wheelchair used to feel like a force-field, keeping others at a distance. Somehow I have become the force field. Now, after all have left, I feel like water that is poured onto a beach, spent.
Trying to eat a meal and give instruction about being fed is just another burden that threatens to overload my temperament. I feel my carer's resentment when I remark that the task I asked for 2 days hasn't been done but I ignore it and remain undeterred.
More walls.