Lately I
feel the effect of the last year of illness. When I ended up in ICU 3 times and
spent almost a year in ICU recovering and waiting for care arrangements, I
found out that whilst I was sedated; there were considerations about whether to
turn off the life support. I realised that the value of my life had become a
lot less. Effectively, the question of whether to preserve my life had become a
justification. In other words "was there any reason to preserve my
life".
When one
is weak and vulnerable, the value of your life is diminished. I know that I
have a low quality life compared to normal able bodied persons. I don't go out
much, I can't ever have a normal relationship, I experience severe periods of
loneliness. The list of negatives is indeed long.
Yet,
through all of this I love and I am loved. I am still able to do things for
others whether advice, guidance or encouragement. I can enjoy the small things
a warm fire, a sunny day and beauty in people and things around me.
I fight
to keep alive; some weeks it feels like a daily challenge. I am very aware of
the fragility of my life. There is a point where I am powerless to make a
difference to my health and I have to let it be. On the days when I feel the
weakness and my system deteriorates I despair at the tenuous nature of it all.
The words
of Dylan Thomas addressed to his dying father replay over and over in my mind;
Do not go gentle
into that good night,
Old age should burn
and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against
the dying of the light.
3 comments:
Julius on reading this I feel a great sadness, you know why, you are strong, full of character and a have a great sense of joy. It is the small things that count. We need to pay you another visit! We will I promise. Thanks for writing and sharing. Lots of love, Lynne xxx
Wow this so touching. You know all of our lives are, in reality, like a soap bubble but we forget and live life in ignorance but, you Julius, you live it. Thank you, you've made a difference to me today by shining your light. Hugs
Julius i worked with you many years ago at Unilever. You may remember me as the another lover of motorbikes with the Yellow Harley. You may also remember my sister was left severely brain damaged after a simple operation. She died 28 years later just before last Christmas. Her life after the incident was often described by others as not meaningful, but she could laugh and feel loved and so persisted for all that time. Never forget what you are worth as a person, it is a lot and I think of you often. Best Rob
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