Phew! I had a tough day yesterday. I was struggling with some pretty tough emotions and then some physical and mental tiredness just overwhelmed me.

Let's take a step back. The kids came over yesterday and we welcomed Carmen back from a week away in Wales (staying in dorm's and eating camp food). She had a good climbing mountains and going for hikes. I had a gammon in the freezer and wanted to do a lunch in the conservatory. So we had roast potatoe, carrots, spinach and gammon. It was a good meal.

That was the easy part. The bit I can't explain is the emotional turmoil I was having. It was sparked off by ordinary people singing (TV program) . This just pushed me over the edge. I can't sing ,well I can't even talk properly. You know it really got to me. Wham! Like a blow between the eyes. The total and helplessness of this injury just struck me. Sure, I've been here before for different reasons. Some for heavy stuff, like walking or driving a car.The difference is, to sing for me is about my heart. My heart sings and my mouth repeats. My heart can't sing without my mouth. So I wept. Sitting there alone in my kitchen I wept tears of pain. The pain of a silenced heart.

So, what more can I say...

Its Carmen's Birthday tomorrow. I have finished my preparing. The girls will stay tomorrow night as Alex has cricket.

Hi everyone its a cold and wet on this Saturday. I am just looking through my memories of this past week to uncover any recollections which may be interesting or useful to talk about.

One page I cannot ignore, is the meeting I had with the HR manager at work. The situation at work has under-gone so much upheavel,that my role and my position, are very threatened. I don't often write about this stuff but I am going to share this with you. I face a dilemma. My life suddenly has a mountain to climb. My predicament is such that I have to face this challenge with a powerful resolve and strong determination to succeed. Failure or worse,to give up is not an option. At least this is the way it seems and the words that fit the occasion. To be honest, I am tired. Tired of trying,tired of being "so strong".

To start again. To start from here. I don't know. Yeah, I am scared of failure,scared even more of not trying. Options open are few. I have the knowledge and ideas to do so much.

I will climb this mountain even if it's just to see where the road goes.



I am using Skype more and more. Its a programme to allow voice over the internet (effectively telephone) . I urge you to try it and contact me it's free!

try http://www.skype.com to read more.

It's been a testing time, the last few days that is. I haven't felt great and that makes everything harder!

Let me tell you about sketchup from Google. It is really good at drawing the more technical stuff (like AutoCad). Anyway, this has some nice features and can really speed up a quick drawing. Except if you are me. I spent the last 2 or more days trying to draw a plan of the back garden.

I haven't completed this yet but I can tell you this, it will be easy for any able bodied person to rapidly complete most complex tasks. I struggled. I have almost completed this now but I have much else to do so I will crack on tonight.

Daily living can really get on top of you if you let life drift.I have to make choices throughout my day about unconscious or insignificant behaviours. Let me give you 2 examples.

Unconscious behaviour:
How do you brush your teeth? Any description you give most likely be very incomplete. The truth is it doesn't matter to you, so you don't store it in memory like a deliberate action is stored. You can however, recall it precisely by doing it. This is typical shopping behaviour and you tend to only think about it when you have to make an unfamiliar choice .

I am more interested in another behaviour I have recently noticed. I don't know if there is a name or category for such behaviours but lets call them low reward impulses.

Low Reward Impulses :
When you notice the picture in the hallway is slightly skew do you quickly adjust it? Or lets try another, you notice the pot plant in the kitchen is wilting because it's dry. Do you quickly add the remaining water in your glass before continuing?

Each situation requires a decision. The observation triggers a thought which raises a question. To do something about it or not. Well we tend to quickly do it and move on.
Hence the name, low reward impulses, as the reward is not a sensory reward like a chocolate impulse. The reward is cognitive, you don't have to remember to do it later and you only feel mental satisfaction immediately afterwards.

Another typical example, but with the incentive that pain will result from not doing it, is ordering a new cheque book or not cleaning the oil patch on the kitchen floor. These have negative consequences and the end result can be the same for both types.

In the end...
Now how would you deal with your day if the low reward impulses were not done and were stacked up in your mind "to do later "? This is a form of stress and you feel like you aren't coping.

My situation is no different. Running a house is full of these LRIs. The difference occurs in the fact that I have to ask someone to do it. So each situation triggers off a set of decisions,
How important is this?
Can it wait?
Are they too busy?
Can they do it?
Will I tire them?
If they do this will they mind doing the other "standard" things?

So you decide to not ask and instead try to remember it later, the result is later ends up as a long list.

When in SA I popped in to see some friends and colleagues from my company. Although many have now left a few "die hards" remain. Thank you all for the wonderful welcome. I appreciated seeing each one of you. You are really special!

It's Saturday and I realise I have a busy weekend as I plan to do something for Ruth's birthday on Monday. I have a few things prepared to make it an exciting day. Let's hope it works out. Tonight I have all 3 of them as Colleen is busy so I need to be organised!

The first week back has been very full. I had the dentist on Tuesday (no problems) ,the podiatrist on Thursday and yesterday I had my wheelchair engineer out to check out some faults the chair had picked up on the journey. As you might be aware of I use my wheelchair to help me do a stand. This function was affected by a damaged micro switch. So I had my first stand since being back yesterday.

Glen mowed the lawns for me last Saturday and Thursday Lawrence and I bought some seeds which he started planting. So far its Corn and coriander. But we have loads to go! Still have onions and spinach which have been eating.

Try this: 2 onions chopped and lightly fried in olive oil.
chopped spinach and garlic 2-3 cloves chopped and added.
Salt and pepper to taste. Just before serving add 1/2 cup chopped pecan nuts.

grrreat

Some pictures of kids (cousins) and brother with his wife Angela

Phew! I can't believe it, its nearly a week since I left SA. Well life is picking up speed.

I think about the people I met and renewed ties with. I had a whirlwind of fun and pushed myself to the limit of my endurance. But I had fun. I loved it. You all contributed to a great time.

I decided to start doing pictures of my trip. So I have a collage here around my sister's house and parents' house.