A week before Christmas

A week before Christmas and my house feels cold. It snowed this morning as I was in for my shower. After my shower I decided to stay in bed. I wanted to use my time to write. I wanted to write my  thoughts since I woke up at 6.00am. My mind has been whirring over the last months and I feel somehow that it’s time. See Pictures and Words: a Father ‘s Lament

The sun is out now and it looks to be a beautiful day. Val has promised to put up the Christmas tree. Normally I have it done by now. Strange year. 


I promised to buy my son a car. My budget for this has never been good but as first cars go the insurance for new drivers is ridiculously expensive several times the price of a car.


Today my carer, Debbie, has bought us a  pork joint to roast for our Sunday dinner. The 3 of us (Val, Debbie and myself) will settle down to eat at about 3pm an then a movie. Right now Val is in the kitchen finishing off some hampers for friends. This year we have home-made Raspberry jam, Piccalilli and Barmback a satsuma and scattered nuts make up the space.

Last Night's Storm

The rain thrashed the window of my room. The wind buffeted the curtain and raced around the house and roof. I listened, tucked firmly in bed. The energy and power of the gale like a persistent knock at the door. Imploring me to open the way, angry at being obstructed. I love wind and rain that rocks the parked cars and strips the dignity from Autumn’s modesty, leaving trees naked and stark.

In the morning the sun was shining. A few scattered leaves played chase outside on the drive as the breeze gently chided them for their laziness. There’s no reminder of the furious angry tirade of the night. Forgiven, forgotten, last nights temper. The world resumes it’s composure

The peace and calm is broken by news of a boat lost at sea. The storm’s anger bending and breaking steel.  Six are missing, the boat sunk. Two were found in a life raft and rescued. The tempest satisfied, even embarrassed by the show, now no more.

 My excitement and thrill at last nights storm now a guilty memory; that I enjoyed the sounds of fury whilst in the Irish Sea 8 men of the ship Swanland were fighting to stay alive.

 The Swanland now sunk in last nights storm

Remember

Remembering the fallen today I was struck by the incongruity I felt. I was reminded of how I felt when I saw the killing fields of Passchendaele and the rows of white named stones each a life that had ended, ended before time. I was reminded of the war memorial at Delville Wood, the stories of bravery and sacrifice retold and retold. When I walked in the fields surrounding the memorial I walked on the ground that buried the blood and bones of bodies, young and old.

Later after a light drizzle of rain I stopped and in the low spring sun I walked over a newly ploughed field. Along the tops of the rows of freshly turned red earth washed and exposed, bullets lay. Weathered and dirty with age yet enduring.  Remembering the day that millions were dispatched by young men to kill other young men. Silent testimonies preserved in brass, of a conflict that requires young men to kill to satisfy the failure of diplomacy and reason.

So I am left empty on this day, not bursting with pride, but confused by our subsequent perpetuation of the destruction. Men called it a "war to end all wars", they pleaded with us to remember them in order that it would never happen again. So "Remember Them" for their sacrifice and the foolishness of war.

To be or not to be....

Everyday is a victory. That just a cliché you might say. Lately, its how I have felt. Life has become so much tougher. 2 years ago I would be hard pressed to spend a day in bed. Now I look forward to it.
 Today is such a day. A day following a tortured night of twisting, helpless in my paralysis, first hot then cold. I woke Debbie twice. The second time I had begun to feel burning pain in my right leg and hip. My right leg and hip took the main impact of my accident and today this is a source of posture discomfit and pain. The damage to my pelvis was called an "open book fracture". The pelvis had separated at the pelvic bone and had been rejoined with a thick stainless steel plate screwed to each half with 4 large stainless steel screws which protrude below the bone into the flesh below. I will never know if there is some effect of this plate. There could be an effect on the blood flow or nerves running down into the right leg. The leg has withered and is limp below the knee. Sensation is dull and sometimes hypersensitive. Hot and cold are felt to extreme and sometimes there is feeling of being deep fried. Elsewhere, my body has almost normal sensation.
Today I am sitting in bed. Just writing this blog and listening to a book. My enthusiasm for the day, dampened by the night passed.
I haven’t been entirely idle. On my good days, just writing emails and finishing off some technical research. The last couple of months have been frustrating as I was preparing a tablet pc to be sent to SA. The job was to help a chap injured in a shooting, which left him paralyzed and in severe pain. With all the movies and books I sent I hope he gets some relief through distraction.

In this picture (below) I am using a tablet similar to that sent to SA.

Working on a Tablet PC with infra-red tracker.

Who asks for an easy life?

Think about it. If you were asked,  "What kind of life do you want?" What would your answer be? Some would say"Exciting!", some would say "luxurious" another would say "adventurous". Do you have a wish? I don't know if I ever did. I wonder sometimes what I would have chosen?

When I think about the question I realise I never expected an easy life and I prepared for a tough future.I have travelled, been on an expedition to Antarctica, skydived, mountain climbed, scuba dived, raced high powered motorbikes, loved, been loved and I have 3 beautiful children. I have been impulsive yet careful taking reasonable risks and enjoying the moment.  I have had an exciting life so far...

Having an accident and losing my movement below the neck puts me on a path I never expected. Being in a wheelchair and being paralysed isn't easy. It's tough, very tough. You can never expect it to get better, you hope it won't get worse.I occasionally wake up and hope the day is not too stressful and painful. I hope for something interesting and I look forward to seeing friends or family. It's not the kind of life I would have wanted. It's the life I have and I will enjoy it.

Do you want an easy life?

Sleep In

Waking up on a Sunday Morning is rarely a luxury for me. With a life of paralysis there are certain disciplines which, if not adhered to, could lead to further compromises during the subsequent hours. I wouldn't mind these inconveniences but they are stressful and time consuming. Getting up late is a luxury to be relished and enjoyed. So I did this morning. Yes the option was there and no I had no "routines" that needed doing, so I slept.

A lesson that I have learned of late is to enjoy the life you have now,in fact don't just enjoy it, value every moment, squeeze the juice from it. You will never have this time again. Never again will you be this age and never again be who you are now.I don't care if you are overweight, in debt. or disabled. There's something to be squeezed from being you, now.

We live our lives like we eat an orange. We are so busy picking up the next piece we don't get to savour the sweet golden sunshine of the segment in our mouths. I will instead of, reaching for and dreaming of the future look for the good in every moment.

Rainy Day

Rain this morning. I woke early and after my shower I came through to my office and spent 2 hours getting the network setup operating. Well, I hate it when things don't work the way they should and there's always a reason.
I have advancing on the development of noo oil and we start the research soon. I want to improve some characteristics and bring out a range of complimentary products. Some ideas are cream, shampoo, and moisturising soap. Research will be done by University of Bradford.

Which way to turn.

It's a quiet Sunday morning. My daughters are awake and having breakfast. They arrived last night after spending the afternoon shopping with mum. Exhausted and hungry they were grateful to relax and dig into a lovely dinner.

I am contemplating my noo skin and nail website. I don't seem to be encouraging purchase through the pages. I am getting about 40 hits/week but very few direct sales. I need to convert the initial interest into sales and I guess my approach isn't effective. I have tried a gentle approach and a quirky front page. I think I need to emphasise the quality and dependability. So its back to the drawing board.

Broadcast or Broadband

Keeping up with blogs, facebook, twitter and e-mail is a full time job.I get media saturation just thinking about it! Then you have all the scare stories about personal information being ripped off and about loose comments on a twitter post. How on earth does one keep up with it all?

I am adept at PC and internet usage and can move effortlessly between platforms, programs and social media tools. What is exciting about the new tools is the power they place at your feet. However, they are like a new mistress,they are never satisfied and need constant attention to keep them meeting your needs.

In the days when a monthly newsletter was sufficient to i
nform all, we have moved into a world where real time is the only game in town. This may be exactly what is needed between close friends, but it's now expected at every interface with friends, customers and business people. It is a different way of thinking. In the past we socialised between work, now we work between social networking.

Human interaction is built along societal rules. These rules are rapidly changing. We only have to look at the recent events of Egypt and Tunisia to realise that these new tools change the balance of control. By linking people effortlessly and effectively in large groups or networks we remove central control of the power of broadcasting to the masses. Now people rely, increasingly on others for the "true story". Broadband is leading the broadcast at the moment. Mistrust and bias is considered part of the government media image.



I watched the Bafta winning movie The Social Network this weekend. The enormous power of people harnessed through basic human behaviours, keeping in touch, seeing and being seen, friends. So I now spend half of my day keeping up with the latest news and views.