The day started normally. V overslept. I usually like to start at 6.30 am in order to be in my office by 9.00am. Yes I know, that is an horribly long time. That's what it takes. I listen to the radio and try to think about my day. Yes, I am partially brain dead by the time I get there.

It's not a bad day today. Cold and windy but sunny.

I am trying to work on 2 ideas if you have any thoughts let me know:
1. A network of innovative people from various disciplines (science,health, psychology, market, marketing etc) The purpose is to discuss developments and trends and to solve any problems we consider worthwhile. These can be of any nature, I'm interested in disability aids (I have invented a few) and new product development.
2. Creativity. Business is generally obsessed with creativity but useless at doing it. The techniques like "brainstorming" and consumer groups are used inappropriately. Ideas are incremental and static. I want to change this.

Look I gotta go and do some work. Write to me if you have thoughts about the above positive or negative...

The tension from Friday's meeting weighs heavily on me. Friday and Saturday night were sleepless. I sat my electric powered bed up to overcome the tension in my shoulders and neck. I listened to the radio, I tried the TV, without glasses (I didn't think it fair to wake up Lawrence for my glasses!) nothing seemed to work. How could I recover from this news? Always expected, always concious of my vulnerability, it feels like my paralysis is complete. Or will I lose my powered wheelchair and house next? The life I have been at such care to construct is collapsing. My children depend on me and so much else hangs on me getting up and starting again. Hearing words of rejection from people who represent the company I was so proud to work for, is like falling off the roof of your house. Hurt and winded you struggle to call for help.



I had to ask my children to leave on Sunday as I was too tired and tense. They had come to bring me some Father's Day gifts and cards.

The day passed without further incident.

This link came to me from Fiona in France. It should lift your eyes from your own difficulties.

As I sit here, at the end of the day, the lengthening shadows streching out to draw in the night. I have mixed feelings of peace and sadness. The emotion not matured but bubbling through my concious is beginning to tell the tale. I am always concious about the irrefutable logic that my injuries are simply the result of an accident. My heart believes a purpose and some test underly this sobering nightmare. The gripping hope, that, there may be some good to come of this suffering daily grind. Hope is like a candle and it can brighten the darkness and chase away the choking black of loneliness.

Can I hope? Is the futility of hope a lost cause? I don't know. I know once I lose hope, I am drowned in the darkness. So I cling to a hope, not a grand hope to regain my health and former life. No. A hope that a purpose and challenge will reveal itself. To retreat now, would be defeat.

I have 5-10% of the capacity and strength of a healthy individual but enough drive for 3 lives. This may leave me at a deficit but I want to use my little strength to make a difference. My children are the immediate priority. Finding new ways to reach out and show them I love them and to teach them to love and accept themselves...

Now the World Cup dominates the TV here and easily draws one into moment. I might just catch the 2nd half of the Poland Germany game. I can't take sides. Both countries have fathered good friends to me.

Well its a new, hot, and bright Saturday. So not a day of slouching in front of a computer. So I won't be here too long!

Yesterday I was meant to attend a check up appointment at Stoke Mandeville Hospital in Aylesbury. Well I had a phone call earlier in the week from Colleen to tell me that the Friday afternoon was Sports day at the girls school. So I cancelled my appointment and went to the school instead. It was a hot and enjoyable. I never saw Carmen's event (Javelin) unfortunately but Ruth did races and shot put which I managed to see. I couldn't stay for the festivities after but it looked good.

It was the 4th aniversary of my accident on Thursday. I am now 4 years old in this new body. Each stage has its own challenges. At no time have I thought ah, this is ok now, I can relax.
I still want to sing and talk effortlessly.
I want a hug that I can participate in with my arms,
I want to write and lie on the couch reading,
I want to walk on the lawn without shoes,
...

Yesterday, as I looked around at the children all doing there thing, I remembered an overwhelming aspect about myself at that age. I was a strong, stocky lad,not athletic and didn't enjoy these Olympian frolics. I never really felt that there was a point really, I preferred tennis and rugby. I also realised ,whilst remembering this, that I always thought that if I wanted to I could eventually do it. Whatever "it"was. I don't feel like that anymore, but most concerning is that I now do what I think I can do. No dreams about travelling around Europe on a bike, I dread the complications of a weekend away.

I don't want to stay here for too long today because the sun is shining and it promises to be the warmest day of the year!

2 Birthdays this month (May). In reverse order, Carmen (30th) and Ruth (8th) . Both were great fun and these collages should give you a grasp of the fun had.