"Do not be too timid and squeamish about your actions. All life is an experiment."

– Ralph Waldo Emerson

I did a presentation yesterday. I was making a revised pitch for a project. It was a receptive audience which made things easier. I ran out of breath halfway, so at the appropriate place I gave over to Linda, who presented some of her work, then I recovered enough to finish. They loved Linda anyway. We also presented some work with a Video production company. As it turns out a reasonable sized project.

Well we were successful, and now the work begins.

John came over last night we made dinner and watched Atonement. I enjoyed it even though the sadness, unfulfilled hopes and desires were so cruelly and needlessly destroyed through a thoughtless, selfish act by a little girl.


Why didn't the skeleton go to the ball?

Well, he had no body to go with!

This may be a joke but truth is I really miss my body. To run, to flop down on the lawn and read, to hold someone and feel part of them. When the words "to be alone" are a chance to enjoy doing your own thing instead they fill me with concern. Don't get me wrong, I love having time alone but only if I have something I can do. This requires setting up or some assistance. So when I am alone, the sense of loneliness is so physically present that I get bombarded by negative and depressing thoughts. As a consequence I hate having half an hour unplanned time on my own.

Dreary day. Overcast and cold. I had my children over last night. The last few weeks have been a mixture of rush and work and apathy.

I don't really know what to write. I normally use the blog to talk about my life in a wheelchair, the purpose being to keep my friends and family up to date and to provide an insight and record of the experience. In many ways I don't perceive myself as a disabled person and will often feel like I am just observing. This bizarre situation is part of the experience from highly active independence to disabled dependence.

Recently I was informed by someone I hold in high regard that I am self-obsessed. Admittedly the comment did come at a time of conflict,but it threw me off my stride. This was an indication of the significance of the remark. Have I become self obsessed and inward. Are my needs more important than others? I knew I had to solve this question, for I do not wish to be like this.

I cannot honestly say that I am not selfish and do keep certain treats aside for my pleasure but I do not accept the charge of being self obsessed. I am far too aware of the needs and feelings of others. I don't know if you have a view on this. Those that know me and those who don't; tell me your opinions.

It's a Saturday. A reasonable sunny but cold start. Overcast and cloudy now.

I thought I would spend a nice quiet day just catching up with myself. You would think that would be easy (after all, how fast does a disabled man move?). It's not easy, I have still maintain the ambitious work output and goals I have always had.

I had a break earlier ; pancakes and coffee. Hmmm, hot pancakes with a sprinkle of sugar and cinnamon and a squeeze of lemon. Rolled up and then a dribble of chocolate sauce and washed down with a cup of Columbian coffee.

So last night, I'm all stretched out on the wheelchair, about to do a few arm excercises before I put the wheelchair into a stand position, and the doorbel rings .It's John my neighbour. He has popped in to wish me a Happy New Year, so he says, but I think he was hoping for a glass of wine. Anyway, I decided to ask him and Linda over for Dinner.

We had an impromptu dinner party. Sherry, Fried monk fish in smoky bacon (Linda),followed by Bobotie (a Cape /Malay a Dutch East Indies meal from South Africa) and red wine. The wine from John and Linda was so cold we had to warm it up. We finished off with Port and Stilton and freshly ground coffee and chocolate.


Phew! A great meal good company and lots of laughs...

Here I am at the start of 2008, in my office, sleepy kids wander in rubbing their eyes... A new year begins my 6th New Year in a wheelchair.

I never thought I would last this long and every presents much the same problems. I still go through the process, where I reflect on the futility of the before resolving to do 1 more day on the basis that I have much to do yet.

My experience is that one of the most challenging things is to discover who I am and to realise which parts are real.

I am severely disabled but not totally. I will use what I have left as well as I can and hope that my efforts will enrich others and inspire my children.

God Bless You

Christmas Lunch 2007