Contemplations

In my office. Contemplating Christmas. Sounds from the kitchen, banging and scraping. I realise that my mind isn't processing correctly and I feel dejected. My comfort is poor and I hang on to my pride of being strong but feeling weak and too tired to shout. I must mentally prepare for spending time with the others. Today is our staff/carers Christmas dinner.

My friend Malcolm sent me this link Dakar Supporters Club seems like fun take a look!

X-factor goes XXX

In the UK we have a talent show called X-factor. It is a high energy quest, on live TV to find exceptional talents in the area of pop music and it is based on the performance and charisma of the contestants. Last night was the penultimate show as the contestants performed their hearts out to be the winner. Being the winner is a guarantee of fame and fortune in addition to a cash and benefit prize.

I follow the show occasionally as I have been fascinated by the variation of talent and the development of each contestant. Last night left me in a perplexing mood. I woke up during the night thinking about what I had seen. Young people have such big horizons these days. To be able to appear before an audience of over 10 million at the age of 17 is an amazing privilege and opportunity.

What disturbed me was not contestants. It was from the way the invited guests (Christina Aguilira and Rihanna amongst others) used sexuality in their performances. Don't get me wrong I am not against sexuality in music it is, after all, an important of being human. What concerns me is the over emphasis on sex in music essentially watched and followed by young (12-16 year old's}. I know that I sound like a grumpy old man but I remember having so to much to deal with and enjoy during my youth. Anyway, this got me thinking about being young and the pressure we faced.

In each of us we have powerful forces at work.

• There is a powerful biological drive fuelled by a flood of hormones in our teenage years.
• There's a social pressure which comes from our upbringing, parents and society (friends, teachers).
• There is a final force which is similar in all of us, conscience (this is our inherent sense of right and wrong).

It's a miracle that we manage to grow up at all with all this pressure! Anyway my point about the exuberant use of sexuality is that we already have a powerful force in this area and it certainly doesn't require stimulation! I hope that the youth get through this, as a parent I am bewildered and unsure how we are meant to help.

Noo project - nooskin

Busy can't describe the hectic pace of my schedule lately. After numerous requests from people to get access to an oil I have been using for my body care, I decided to develop it as a brand. Frantic work into bottles and labels, trademarks and web domains. I finally settled on nooskin.

The oil is so effective and yet so safe. It works using natural plant mechanisms that plants use to protect and heal themselves. I use it for nail care, eczema relief and control and massage. It has eliminated my flaky, itchy scalp.

I recommended it to a carer who complained of poor, thin nails. Today she boasts about her strong healthy nails and to be honest, they are a marked improvement.

Take a look at my website for nooskin.

Illness and habits

I have been through much struggle on this journey. I have learned a lot and felt new feelings, had new thoughts. I have been the victim of prejudice and the object of admiration. Frustration and achievement are constant companions as I endeavour to live my life to the full.

Whether frustrated and fed up or depressed and apathetic, the fact remains that nothing will improve next time if I don't get up and try again. So I don't deserve praise or admiration. I am only doing what I have to. Options, choices are generally a luxury in the life of disability. Sometimes doing nothing and giving up or trying again are the only options.

My health has suffered over the past few few months due to a persistent UTI infection. I believe that the cause has been my change in hygiene routine. It's in our daily behaviours that long term change is achieved. Eating an extra sandwich a day or an extra glass of wine can add a few pounds to the waist. So too, climbing the stairs every day instead of using the lift may have a long time to make a noticeable difference. It is human nature to think that which took 12 months, can be changed in 2 weeks. I have learned that to keep my weight in check I must resist the extra biscuit, or glass of wine and choose to eat off a smaller plate.

I am working on a new project at the moment. I hope that you will all support me when it goes live next year. More about this later...

Sunday Morning

I woke up thinking about how I have changed. I have changed so much. I am a morning person and love an early start to get my thoughts together and to enjoy the stillness before the day begins. I love nothing more than to be busy with a hobby or project. Now I am struggling to do anything. Sleep is a slippery companion. I am mostly in pain or on the edge of being in pain; a cough, even a yawn can set off a reaction which twists my waist and drives the pain further.

So I make it through each night with intermittent sleep. I don't mind that so much but its the days that drive me mad. I barely get things done because of distractions due to pain and posture.

It's my relationships that suffer too. I don't get out and I don't do much. I feel like a stranger to my children. Their lives don't include me. I don't blame them anyway any contact with me is honestly boring by any standards (never mind a teenager) .

"Enough of the woe is me", I hear you say. You are undoubtedly correct to make this remark. My defence is that I am trying to give the account of my experience in the chair as this was the purpose of my blog in the first place. Also, to be fair, I am concerned at the amount of time I waste dealing with the consequences.

My mind remains active and I am developing 2 ideas into products which I hope to put into test soon.

Friends and old values

I was visited in the past week by a dear friend. I met Milada when I was propped up in a hospital bed in Germany, unable to speak or move. Milada has remained a friend ever since and I cannot take credit for this good friendship as I have not been a good contributor to it during the ups and downs since. However, I am grateful to find people in this world who still hold fast to lasting values.

Milada with me in my backyard

Milada's stay with me was a reminder that we all need each other and life, living and loving are part of what makes us human. Our modern world is not very clever. Whilst we surround ourselves with gizmos and gadgets to help us achieve more output,we are isolating ourselves from the benefits only attained through social input. Yes talking on Facebook is good but face to face is better. Yes we can text updates every moment on twitter but how much better to have your thoughts spoken to someone you are with. Humans need each other. If Africans can say "It takes a whole village to bring up a child" are they referring the amount of people, or the quality of the interactions? I think a good friend is of more value to our happiness than a shopping centre of passers by. We cannot be happy in a cocktail party society. Sometimes to sit quietly with your best friend can mean more than a hundred conversations.

To all my friends: thank you.

I was pleased to have my children overnight. We spent some time together. I was presented with this lovely caramel sponge which we consumed with tea later.

Alex trying unsuccessfully to convince Dot that she really enjoys the trampoline.

constructive thoughts

To write about everything in ones life is an arduous task. This is especially true when your expression is through only a single method and single location. I use a computer in an office which is adapted for my use. I do also have a laptop but setup and comfort often limit the spontaneous capturing of thoughtful inspiration. I have noticed that my desire to document events has waned and I am become silent in my cocoon. This is largely a consequence. A consequence of fatigue and discomfort. Also a desperate sense that I am "running out of time" so I should not waste time with flowery prose. The reality is less dramatic and a more believable, I just waste my time doing non-constructive searches and fruitless activities.

If you are amongst the many regular readers of my blog or an e-mail correspondent than I humbly apologise for letting you down. I won't promise to do better, just to do my best at being better.

In my next post I will put some pictures of recent events.

Sunshine and Rainbows

Difficult times have come and gone in my life. People too, have come and gone. The good days don't have a meaning if you haven't seen the bad. Today the sun shines and life feels good. Coming through the coldest winter in 30 years. Finding my body weakening and my hope and spirit sinking I was in the place where infection could walk into my body. It cut me down for weeks and I struggle against it still. As hope begins to grow and a sense of spring filters into my spirit I remember what "good" feels like. I remember the bad days but it only makes the good feel sweeter. Like strawberries on the tongue of a starving man.

Yet the return to health is not complete and the damage can never be fully renewed. Despite the loss, hope exists. Not as an oblivious optimist blind to reality. Instead, sober in the knowledge of pain to come and disappointment ever near; to turn from sadness to look at the flicker of hope brings a rainbow and lifts the spirit.

Illness and changes

I know it's been ages. I have opened my blog several times to write up updates. Each time there has been something pressing to do. I was stopped in my tracks by an illness that had me so powerfully in its grip that for 5 days i couldn't eat and suffered soaring temperature whilst feeling cold since the fever broke I have been too weak to leave the bed and feel dizzy after sitting up.

Today I have lain in the sun and feel enough strength to write. I write slowly using an onscreen keyboard. I select each letter and click with the thumb on my left hand. Some-days the mouse is too difficult to press and words are a challenge.

I have been absorbed in the last 3 months with developments in the charity Open Roads for which I am a trustee. This has been stressful and physically demanding. We eventually pulled out of a partnership with another group external to our county on the basis that we felt that there was poor representation of local people and our influence would be insufficient to do the role required.

I hope everyone had a great Easter bless you all.