It's a Saturday night, I said goodbye at to Alex around 4pm after spending the day with him.I was due to pick him up at 3.30 pm yesterday, but like any normal teenager he forgot and his mother brought him over last night. Today we went and found a great little pub that was showing the Liverpool match and settled down for some lunch (I had a beer) and watched the game. It finished too early to take him back so I took him tenpin bowling and watched him.

If you can walk or stand and use your hands just be grateful. You can walk run and be active. Don't delay revel in your body, in the miracle of mobility and movement. The days I had I can't reach, I can't touch the memory. However, my dreams are not held by the reality I have to live in and set me free for a brief yet precious moment. Waking up hurts.

So here I sit, on a Wednesday night, writing a a few halting words about the life I try to maintain in the wheelchair state I find myself. It's hard to imagine anyone reads this but in truth that is the reason I write.

OK, so today I want to talk about sex. It's not a subject a wheelchair suffer, or tetraplegic may think about in your reckoning. Or maybe you are curious but haven't known how to ask. Maybe you don't want to know.

It might surprise you but, women are more likely to leave a disabled partner than the other way round. (from a reliable Dr)

So it goes like this, just because a man or woman is disabled, doesn't stop the bodies sex drive. Some people didn't have much of a sex drive in the first place. So it is no big deal to cope with. Others are tormented by the frustration and all others fall between these extremes. If I tell you about myself, do you promise to keep it secret?

(Mom/Dad you may wish not to read this but I don't mind)
I am in the frustrating situation where sexual function remains completely intact, (bar a few idiosyncratic developments). As a person who had a healthy appetite, the current scenario does create tension. For while the opportunities have arisen I am and have always been, unwilling to give myself to someone I don't love.

Clearly ambiguous and slightly out of touch with modern attitudes.I have coped with this in the past through physical activity and motorbikes. I had a positive outlook and high standards for myself. I did have an indescretion on one occasion but that is another story.

I find it increasingly dispararaging when I am out in public. I am assaulted by the beauty and feminity of the female form. It hauntingly entices me to think about, to consider my sexual needs. There is a fleeting moment of optimistic hope, before a reflection of a person in a wheelchair in a shop window shatters the illusion and drags me back to reality. There was a girl I liked. About 2 years ago. I was helping with the demonstration of my computer setup for some interested people. She seemed like someone I could enjoy getting to know. She didn't think so and turned down my dinner invite. That was it.

It has been quite a week. I will try to recall some of the events of significance while I sit here listening to some Eric Clapton, Dire Straits and Dido to name a few....

I am still carrying the symptoms of a nasty cold that has lingered for weeks. My analysis is that after the hospital stay I haven't beaten the MRSA which I picked up. It has developed into a cold and refuses to budge. So I have to live with a perpetually runny nose and a violent sneeze that is exhausting. The carers have had to stand by with tissues to clean up the fall out.

I am onto the 3rd carer this week. Debbie (New Zealand), finished on Sunda.Glen (Australia) took over and left Friday. Lawrence(UK) is finished on Tuesday and the whole game starts again.

I am selling a display cabinet on ebay because I am not happy with the fit. If you click on this link you can see my ad on ebay Display Cabinet

Spent a few days on Linkedin setting up contacts and hope you will take a look at my profile on the link list (just below my picture on the right).

Yesterday was a lovely day just spent time in the garden did quite a lot. I had Lawrence repotting some house plants and weeding.We have a good crop of butternut on the way. The gemsquash have a few more weeks left and so do the courgettes. Tomatoes going strong and a few brocolli may result from a disasterous crop.

I bought a few pictures which I want to hang. Monet's Garden, da Vinci's Vitruvian man and David Graux - Il Vous aime, c'est un (nude). see pictures

We all have weaknesses and strengths. We try hard to focus on our weaknesses and build them up. I'm reading a book about knowing your strengths. The intresting part so far, is the definition of a strength. Also the author points out that there is no point trying to make weaknesses into strengths. We should instead learn to recognise our strengths and build them up.

It makes sense and is a philosophy I was using before my accident with my key managers.

I now need to apply it to this new situation and in my own life. Not so easy.

Some pictures of me with my page turner for interest.

You know I am really a sad case. It's Friday night and I am sitting here in front of a computer. Man, why did I have that last glass of Rioja? I should know that to drink in a foul mood only makes things worse!

I have a dilemma, the level of openess I use. I am not a particularly deep person but I am soulfull which some find depressing.

I have put 2 new links to my site please take a look.

What makes a man, a man . Manly. I feel very male. Sexually it's a strong orientation. Yet, I am thoroughly comfortable with my emotions my appreciation of a beautiful rose, with my creativity. With my relationship with my children. I know it doesn't effect the measure of maleness, yet I feel unattractive for my manliness.

The wheelchair is a strong categorisation. However, the truth is often not in the same box.
Sure, I can understand the attraction of sacrifice, to see the value of service and humility toward someone less fortunate. I am not a "cause" or an excuse for nunery service.

I am charming, I love to interact and tease the opposite sex. I love feminity.The eyes, shy smile and the soft fragrant skin of a woman. It occurs to me that the use of my charm will lead me to disappointment. So I don't use it. I keep my heart hidden. Keep the sexual tiger bound and caged. I have never learned to seperate my heart from my desire. I don't want to.

I promised you all some photos. Well here they are.

I use a Camera mouse. It tracks your face and moves the cursor correspondingly. It takes practice and when used with an on-screen keyboard, allows me to type.






























This last picture is me on the exercise bike (hands only for this photo).



I'm happy to help other disabled people with gizmos and aids to assist them. Please contact me through my e-mail.

I have a friend called Annes and he sends out a Thought for the Day. Well today's thought was very challenging and I include a piece for you to think about.

Mohandas K. Gandhi (1869-1948)

We win justice quickest by rendering justice to the other party.



From the Bible

Luke 6: 27 “But I tell you who hear me: love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, 28bless those who curse you, and pray for those who ill-treat you. 31Do for others just what you want them to do for you.

It has been a topsy turvy time since I last wrote. I have been doing longer hours as well as doing more physio since I took delivery of my new exercise bike. It's great btw,photos soon.

Has anyone heard of Acuigen? They do b2b research and customer research. Based in Cranfield UK. I need a contact, so please check your network if anyone knows them.

I have received a few complaints from the hecklers. All concerning the frequency of updates (this is good at you are reading). I will do my best to be more diligent. Thanks guys.

Did anyone watch the Moto GP yesterday? WOW! After seeing that you have to respect those guys who love to race on the edge. Well you know what they say, "If you're not living on the edge, you are wasting space." It's a great sensation, to be on the limits of your machine and capability. Everything is just so intense.

So I had the Ruth and Alex for the weekend. We picked some apples from a few trees in public ground, just up the road, a bit sour but excellent for Apple Crumble. we also found a few hazel nut trees and had some roast hazel nuts and apple crumble (courtesy of my mothers recipe, who's called Hazel)

Well not much going on in the voting for pics (below) .Seems the winner so far is (c) or (a). Also mentioned were (h)and (b)but I will keep you posted on developments.