I went to the pub last night.I had a pint of bitter and grabbed a kebab and a video. It's warmed up a lot (7deg) so even though it rained it was OK.

Alan is coming over later and I think a visit to the pub again might be in order.

No real plans for the new year. I am uninspired and uninterested. Ha. I will see what happens.

Any new year resolutions? I am afraid I haven't any. I should resolve to make some.

God help me.
I'm sick of being disabled.
An impotent force.
Unable to move from this place.
Holding on to an existence.

Another day consumed by the daily personal tasks.
Another day explaining ever detail of a life you never think about.
Another day saying the same old things.
Another day.

Well Christmas is over now. I have enjoyed it and the company of family and friends. I have included some pictures of the goings on.

Mexican lunch on the 27th
Snow at the front door.
Playing in the snow during a visit from Bruce and Wendy and family from South Africa.


Carer switch today. Lawrence starts his 2nd shift for 4 days. He hands over to Shaun on the 1st January 2006.

With Christmas 2005 over it remains to update this log.

I had a wonderful time. The kids too were so wonderful they were captivated by the experience and enjoy every second.

It started off on Christmas Eve.We went to a church service. Which was just great. On our return a quick dinner set the stage for an early night. I had all 3 kids in my room. We eventually got to sleep at midnight but Alex was too excited to sleep. He woke up at 3am ,we had a chat and he went to sleep.

They were all awake by 7. We opened a few of their presents after they had woken Colleen from the spare room. After some preparation we started the proceedings of Christmas present uncovering and creating combustible waste.

we had a superb roast dinner of turkey, gammon, vegetables and pudding. Delicious. Excellent work by Colleen and Veronica.

After dinner we collapsed in the lounge to contemplate our excess and to indulge further in chocolate and self satisfaction.

Enjoy the photos.

I am not sure what to write today. I feel a little let down. I was hoping to spend some time with the kids but they have all gone out for the day.

I was so exhausted last night. In bed by 9pm, asleep by 10pm, awake from 2.30 to 5am.Oh well. It's only sleep.

I enjoy receiving contact from people and have received a few notes from people all over the world.

NO snow predicted but this is what the back can look like

I had a great party last night. About 14 people. We prepared the lounge with fairy lights and candles. Did snacks, opened some wine, set out the furniture, put some music on and everyone came. We finished at midnight I think. I got to sleep about 1.am.

Today I have my last meeting of the year,with Anna from Vlaardingen (Holland). Then I am going to stop work and enjoy my kids' company. I like the people they are and enjoy the way they think (I don't understand all of it!)

I better go and prepare for the meeting.

I went in to the office today. Saw the doctor. She always puts me in a good mood - she is so charming! Ha!

Went around to all the people I could and did the seasonal greetings then came back to prepare for a dinner group. Tonight we have a homegroup dinner. Mulled wine, snacks and fun! It should be good. I would like to do something special but I can't for this So they are all just bringing stuff and I have virtually nothing to do.

I better go. Well have to get started.

The post earlier may seem strange but its what I promised. I will always tell you how I am feeling and sometimes words aren't organised into thoughts. Just feelings. Disjointed and scatty.

I took Alex and Alan to the pub with me yesterday had a pint,then grabbed a takeaway and a DVD (War of the Worlds). Then Alex and I watched Gladiator. So a late night.

This morning we watched Liverpool in the World club final. I had to help Alex deal with disappointment (we lost) as he normally gets depressed and destructive. So I talked to him about focusing his mind and using the emotion of failure constructively. So far, he has done well.

So a few more days, then Christmas, eek! Where does the time go? I have one objective. To give the kids an experience they will remember.

Normal night's sleep.
Awake every hour.
Think.
Listen to the Radio.

The darkness like a blanket surround,
but no warmth or comfort in it's arms
The radio fills the void
Think.

Sleep is optional.
The news is followed by the story of a boy
likened to the Buddha as he meditates under a tree
Fasting from food and water for 6 months

4am
3 hours till morning
Must think
again

I went to the office today to see a friend who is retiring. We had a good chat. I was supposed to attend the farewell lunch he had today but with the new carer (Lawrence) starting this afternoon I did not have time.

We had a warm(8 deg C), sunny day today and I enjoyed being outside. It is likely that the north wind will bring in the cold. So I expect a freezing weekend, brrrrr.

Take a look at this (from an e-mail Jane sent me). I am still chuckling!

Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions
to its yearly neologism contest, in which readers are asked to supply
alternate meanings for common words.

The winners are:

1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedlyanswer the door in your nightgown.
7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run
over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that,when you die, your Soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

If you are interested the windsave system(see Link) costs around a £1000 if you install it yourself.

Solar pv will be expensive (around 5x as much) .

more later...

I am going to install a renewable energy generator. I am busy looking at Solar PV which generates 1-2 kwp (kw peak) and Wind. Typical consumption is more than either of these but they will make a difference as they are connected to the grid and reduce the bill when not used.

Ideally I could be free of the mains and gas.However, slowly does it, and I will migrate towards this.

Anyone with experience in this? I would love to hear from you.

Frustration.
I have set about making myself as independent as possible and whilst I have to have 24hr care I don't want to be dependent 24hrs a day. So, I have built a life full of gadgets to automate what I can. Doors, Lights, Heaters, Fans,TV's and HiFi all driven a control on my wheelchair. I too have a mobile on the chair connected to this controller. Today the connection wouldn't work, a problem with the contacts, so we eventually gave up.

You might be interested in how the controller works. Its a screen with icons behind each icon there is a command.This command could be a TV command or a door etc. To activate the controller I have a single button on my headrest(see picture). This starts the controller off.It scrolls rapidly across the screen, highlighting each icon. When it highlights the icon I want, I press the button again and the command is issued. So sometimes you might see my head bouncing back and forth, now you will know why. I am trying to control something.

I was so suprised at my e-mail yesterday. I had a contact from a man who used to be the Commercial Director at my first place of work in Unilever as a humble PC Specialist. Helmut was my manager's boss and a great guy to work for (see day before yesterday's comments).

The concert was good yesterday and we enjoyed some mulled wine and a mince pie at the interval. My friend Sarah was in the first violin section but I couldn’t see her from my position. Sarah had kindly bought the kids some reindeer antlers that they donned, with the Orchestra after the interval.

So tired at the moment. I’m constantly yawning. Frustrating!

I made a calendar of my life in a typical year. I will send this out tomorrow or today.

I feel so strung out today. So uninspired. Lethargic of mind and body. Ha, my body does nothing all day and still feels lethargic. I haven't a clue what to do today. Never had this before. Always been busy on some plan.

So this week was a blur. Colleen's operation followed by Veronica leaving with a bad back, her replacement was a temp then a day later, Partha, followed by Shaun after another day. So 4 carers in 4 days. This place has been a train station.

On Thursday I went to a great farewell lunch for Ian. Yesterday I did a last bit of Christmas shopping for a few hours at Milton Keynes.

Today I will just hang around as Colleen and the kids have gone shopping. Tomorrow I have bought tickets for a Christmas Concert by the NSO (Northampton Symphony Orchestra).The kids should enjoy that.

My buddy Brian wrote to me this week. We were thick as thieves in Durban in the 'ol days. It made me feel a lot better (less isolated).

There is so much to say about my experience over the last few years I have to create a site for it all.

I just don't feel good today. I feel a bit "queasy" . I might just have a break soon.

Yesterday my usual carer (Veronica) had to leave suddenly because of a bad back. A temporary replacement was found but without any training this is getting to be very tiring. I took 4.5 hrs to get up and dressed today. So stressful.

Life to me is starting to take on a different pattern. This worries me of course, but what can I do. I am losing the will to fight.

I think this this Christmas will be a sparse affair. I don't feel prepared or excited in any way.

Its Monday and the prospects of the next few weeks lie daunting and insurmountable before me. I face, again the anticipation of a carer changes and training. Sure I've done it before, and sure,I'll do it again. Lurking,always in the background, are my work, Christmas, the future....

The future lies stretching before me, fading into the distance ,like a lonely desert road.

Colleen came out of hospital on Saturday after a successful operation. When I dropped off the children she seemed relaxed and happy.

I had a wonderful time with my kids and enjoyed seeing them for the 4 days. Bursting with life and good nature. They are normal and healthy, considering what they've been through.

Phew! Well I have the kids for a few days because on Wednesday evening they removed Colleen's appendix. It was apparently inflamed and "ready " to be taken out. She looks relaxed and is now going to be in for 4-5 days. With a bed near the window and a nice ward(4 patients per bay) she she can have a rest.

Yesterday after a visit to my podiatrist(I took the kids with me)we went to Morisons (supermarket) for lunch. They each bought Colleen a little gift. Ruth - flowers, Carmen - arranged a bowl of fruit and Alex - Chocolates.

We came back at 6.00. My carer (Veronica) was exhausted (we were all tired). I ordered Pizza and we all went to bed by 9:30. In preparation for an early start.

Up early (6.00 for me) we got started for school. They had at my insistence done homework and prepared Uniforms night before. Dropped the girls on time but Alex was late.

My first observation is that my children are simply amazing! They look after each other and take care of each other. Carmen has really developed her friendship with Ruth. I rely heavily on her to help with phone calls, Ruth's hair, programming the Sat Navigator, etc. Ruth is less flighty but still quite lively. Alex is starting to struggle with hormones. He can't sit still, loves Raucous ,discordant music and seems to want to allways use the bathroom when the girls are there.

I love them so much.

I pick them up at 3:30 then go visit Colleen. I am hoping Alan can take me so Veronica can rest.

Well tomorrow is weekend with only 1 activity for Ruth. I think we might go to see the latest Harry Potter.

So bye for now.