I am not getting better. On the 19th October I thought that was it. I was on the road to recovery. Now I ache and hurt whilst sniffling and sneezing. I can hardly sit comfortably anymore and I am sick of it.

I have finally bought the gifts for the kids. Now its a matter of waiting for the day. I have never been this organised before!

I am meant to go to Aylesbury tomorrow for medical reasons but I am so not up to a 2 hr journey there and 2 hrs back. Instead I will get the doctor out to give me a check up.

The "void of cyberspace" from my last post prompted a comment from an anonymous reader. I really appreciate the feedback and need to hear it. I am a stuborn man in some things but with regards to this blog, I would say I'm "dogged". I promised to would do this blog by venting my feelings as well as my experience. I know its not something I can never hope to share fully. To hear from you "out there " helps me enormously.

Thanks to many of you and Anonymous, the journey is made easier. Sadly the busy lifestyles we have doesn't allow time for the small things. I realise this.

I don't know where to start sometimes. My head is buzzing with all the different topics that make up my life in this wheelchair. I could talk about the difficulties of having strangers do personal care for me,I could talk about my work situation and how to be rejected by the company I loved feels. I could talk about my new business. I could talk about my day to day life. About disability and friendship or loneliness. Maybe the topic of living with a severe disability should cover emotional aspects paralysis and separation from the world, people and your own body.

I sit here and think to myself about what to write about, and I am so aware that I am writing into the void of cyberspace that I can't get started. Imagine having a conversation with a blacked out theatre. You have no way of knowing if someone is there or even listening. The place may be empty, it may be full. You only know when someone answers.

The other thing about conversation is the immediacy of feedback and the development of a topic or a thread. In websites that help people solve problems. They may have a question and answer section. These contain threads of conversation that develop a topic and help to answer the queries.

The power of conversation should not be underestimated. It has a powerful influence on both or all the participants. Like the first smile from a child seeing you or the response to a letter, feedback can open your world. I was unable to participate in conversations for 9 months, whilst my ability to speak recovered.I sat and listened. I longed to interrupt or have my say. I learned to observe and now I still do a lot of observing. You can learn a lot about people from what they say. But you learn a lot, as well, from what they do.

Yes its Monday already and I am so busy with different agendas in my turbulent life. Let me give you a rundown. Before I do that, regarding the last comment from Forthsay , thanks for the comments you have given me 2 things to consider which may well lead on to a new direction, much appreciated!

So, I am off to a show tomorrow to look at a range of Market Research companies and technologies. Its called Insight 2006. It takes place in Earls court. I was looking forward to this but since my scheduled care arrangements have been thrown into turmoil, I have a stranger, un-trained and very inexperienced.Nightmare. This would be bad enough in the comfort and quiet of my home. This situation is likely to be very taxing.

I have been finalising my business plan which I will use to apply for funding for a PA. I hope that as business picks up I will be able to employ an additional Market Research executive. This will give me a better capability.

I have made contact with someone who is going to help me develop an idea. This is quite an exciting contact and may yet prove to be an avenue for other ideas.

It has been a really tough day today. I won't bore you with the details, but I struggled with posture, with a very disparaging e-mail and a carer that makes me feel like I'm in a factory assembly line. Heck, I can't complain at the moment I have had my care situation in such a mess that I can't afford upsetting the apple cart before Christmas.

I have had enough at the moment. So much to deal with and no escape. Its relentless, like a war of attrition. Wearing you out. Starving you. You can see the outside world, you just can't reach it.

Any comments on the Logo? My sister sent me a text with comments which were very constructive.

Another hectic week has come and gone. It has been a busy/quiet week. During the quiet times I have been struggling to get problems sorted on my PC. Very frustrating when you can't use your hands.

This is my new Logo.


So what do you think?

I have appointed accountants and start officially trading next year. I offer consultancy and research services on all aspects of consumer/customer innovation.

I am about to go and pick up Alex. We have to work on his maths and and science for school tests.

Went to see a movie this week. I was hoping to see Borat,but could only get into "The Devil wears Prada" . All about the seduction of success with some humour and set in the fashion world. Ambition, its all about priorities.

Last night was off to the pub for a couple of Guiness before coming back for a movie and take away.

Phew. With the weekend drawing to a close I suddenly realise it is a week since I last updated you on the tale of wacky J.

Yeah, its been a busy week. With life in a wheelchair its easy to have a busy week. It seems everything is happening to you as opposed to with you. Like a victim of time. You can make your plans but you need others to make them happen. (and for some reason they just don't do things quickly enough or correctly, ha)Yes, like some madman trying to rule the world, my strategy depends on others. No, I don't want to rule the world, just my own life.


Let's talk about stress, baby.
Let's talk about stress and me.
Let's talk about all the good things and the bad things that may be.

Do you know that song?I know I have probably ruined it for you, but these words are for my life. Stress. The condition of so many people. An emotion I have never suffered unduly from. When stressed we can either succeed or fail,achieve or shrivel. Good stress is useful, boosting your performance. Bad stress on the other hand,wears you down.It lowers self-esteem,it makes performance erratic and can also affect health.

Never have I been a chronic sufferer of the later,until I took up the challenge of living with my disabilty. Why, should this be stressfull, you may well ask. It is because I choose to do this, therefore, "My choice" and no one else, I have to maintain my independence my choice should not be forced upon others. So, the choice has been made to live this life and to succeed.

The stress is the daily repetition of mundane activities, no more exciting than watching water evaporate, but for which your constant attention is required with concurrent commands about correct method and next steps. Try it,ask someone to brush your teeth and be sure they do it properly and the way you like it. I tell you what, that may be too difficult, so try a good face wash instead. You will find every 5 people will do it it just right but most will struggle.

I have learned to keep a lid on this stress. I cannot afford to allow my stress to boil over. Why? You may consider it unhealthy. You may suggest I "let it all hang out". Think about it. I am unable to perform any activity for myself. (Oh, this is written with a specially adapted PC, by myself, but aside from this.) All my needs require me to request another person to perform. As I live by myself, they become the only door to achievin my task (at that moment). If I am not circumspect with my emotions they will feel chastised and hurt and I risk not getting my task done. So the stress is supressed.

I know there are side-effects.I am painfully aware of the emotional burden I carry and the damage it does.