I wasn't planning to write today but I have a few minutes before I need to go out to see a friend for his 50 th. Yes, my friend is 50 and I am only a few years behind. Time may pass us by but we enjoy what life has to offer.

I have regrets ,who doesn't but I realise that I only have the future. One can't get stuck in the "perfect past" because you will lose today. So hard to do and so important to remember as I get older.

Life may not be easy but I'll be dammed if I let it get boring by giving in to laziness.

Christmas past

The memory of Christmas, now 4 days old, is reduced to a warm comforting sense of a good time. After opening gifts and enjoying a cuppa and toast we prepared for a late lunch. We had a real feast. Gathered around the kitchen table in a comfortable squeeze we laughed and joked whilst drinking champagne and munching through a smoked salmon starter. Alan and Debbie made the numbers up to 7. The turkey was more than a match for our appetites and seemed hardly changed after we had done our best. We finished off with the traditional pud.

Christmas time spent with family and friends is special and apart from the occasional argument about the contents of a cracker or the whereabouts of some Christmas trinket; there was little negativity to dampen the mood. Instead light banter and laughter, seasoned with smiling eyes was the main course.

If you are following on from my last post; you will remember I was due to present the Open Roads charity to a county council member. It went well and I will aim to repeat the presentation at the council offices to a broader audience.

Christmas tipple

A neatly decorated Christmas tree, alongside the fireplace, and few presents scattered underneath are testament to the approach of Christmas day. I have little to say about the season, except to wish all a love filled time of giving.

The past year has been tumultuous. A year of dramatic developments and some poorly timed health problems. When I was newly injured I was told it would get easier each day. This is not the case. I know life is not meant to be easy. Any brief look at nature will show you how every part of nature has to toil and struggle against the being crushed. Why should we be different? Being a struggle does not preclude beauty and enjoyment. So enjoy every beautiful moment and remember struggle produces character.

These are not the sagacious words of a philosopher, although I been known for philosophical outbursts, instead I count them as hard won learning from the last 6 years of living with paralysis. You will have your own experience and your own lessons.

This year I have been involved in much. The most notable being the launch of a training company called Aide de Vie and a charity called Open Roads. On Monday I be presenting a short presentation on the goals and aims of Open Roads as we compete to win the opportunity to complete our main aim, to develop and run a centre that will meet the needs of people struggling with a physical or mental disability.

We represent a new approach to viewing "disability". Not as as an inability but a different ability. The label "disabled" is no different the apartheid description of people as "non-white". Aside from the the negative implications of the word, it can't be right to describe someone by reference to what they are not! Otherwise women would be non-male and children non-adults. We (society) need to rethink our use of the language before it inadvertently shapes our world. The following posters are examples of the paradigm shift we are going to promote.

So raise your glasses to Open Roads this Christmas and celebrate our different abilities.

Sunday Sojourn

I am having a lazy day today. I woke up at 8:30 and took time to get going. After a shower I was ready to face the world. I received a very welcome phone call from my mom and it was nice to catch up about the family in SA.

Unlike the warm weather in SA, it's icy cold here and the frost doesn't look like shifting in a hurry.

It is rapidly approaching Christmas and tomorrow is the 1st December. I hope you are planning a good time. I expect many will be "cutting back" after the excess we have seen in previous years. This is not a bad thing. For too long we (the 1st world) have squandered our wealth. Investing in a "throw away" lifestyle. Never building a tomorrow but living to the "max". The carousel stopped turning but for some there are no other rides. Many are going to suffer this Christmas and I believe it will be worse in 2009. As I have budgeted and planned for the reminder of the year I have prepared my family for drastic reductions in all areas.

I support a group providing food parcels to pensioners in Zimbabwe and I am saddened and concerned about the plight of these poor people hanging on to life whilst the country leadership quarrel about who sits where at the banquet of political power. Read this November report.

You can support the work directly, if you prefer I am collecting money in the UK and will arrange payment.

A life of Prime

We get on with our lives. We develop little fillers, supports or mechanisms to make it through the day. Some days are easier than others, some we barely have the strength for as we take to bed earlier than usual. This is the modern world. This is the way. To live our lives to the full.

Is life not meant to be a struggle? Do not the plants and animals fight daily for their survival? Where does it end? I know it well, this way is very familiar. It is well trodden and my footsteps are deep imprints on the earth.

What I have learned is not to be too serious about it and to enjoy the love of others when you can. Each day becomes a week, which becomes a month and then a year. Soon you notice your world has changed and you don't know where it went. This is the modern way. We live our lives at full speed in order that we can slow down one day and begin to enjoy it. So we give away our most vital years to have enjoyment when we are less able.

Lest we forget

Remembrance Day

Why do we say, "Lest we forget"?

Before you read on think about that for second...

STOP and THINK, if you can ask others this question, I would be interested in the responses that you get.

OK.


So, Why do we say, "Lest we forget"?

To be nostalgic and remember the suffering of those men (on both sides) who fought and died in tragic, un-imaginable, torturous circumstances?

To remember their bravery and heroism is right and honorable but there is more to it than that.

We made a promise after the Great War. A promise we break and will continue to break.

Our promise was to learn from that experience and not to repeat it.

We have not only broken this promise as world governments, we break it ourselves, every year. You break it, I break it and so does the rest of the world. But how do we break it?

We look at the past, we muse and sigh at the hopeless suffering and death, at the depravity of needless suffering for the things that the men in the Great War, were fighting over. Our nostalgia is matched by the appreciation for and the bewilderment, at their sacrifice.

Were you against the war in Iraq? Yes of course you were, until it started. Once it started the excitement and fascination with military took over and objections faded. You were caught up, like everyone else, watching TV for every update.

Now, we are angered at the atrocities, the beheadings, suicide bombers, the children dying in Fallujah while Coalition "Smart Bombs" and insurgent mortars obliterate the buildings and infrastructure that sustains them.

So what's different to 1914?

Why do we need the past? The past is history and for your life, you might say, "I don't do post mortems". Think, before you move forward.

Soldiers and sufferers say they would love to forget the war, but can't. But we can, we were never there. We do forget, even with our posters, movies, ceremonies and tattoos. We forget, we forget the promise we made. To forget is to avoid or ignore. A missed chance to learn and grow.

We need the past. We need to remember the past and to do what makes us uniquely human, to learn from our failure.

You cannot change the way Governments and leaders react, never mind be responsible for it. But, you are responsible for yourself. You can change yourself and your behaviour during the events and conflict in your own life and teach your children to do the same. For this you are uniquely responsible.

So remember the war, but don't honour their memory by only being hushed and nostalgic, be constructive with your past and change your future and your children's future, this is the true honour they deserve. For when you see those men and others again, you can stand proud and say, "Thank you I never forgot, I changed my life."

In this way we honour the dead.

In this way, we make our lives the offering to their memory. Not some plastic wreath, or cardboard poppy. A living example of what they taught us.


Let us honour the fallen and "Learn from our past".

You will not understand that I can't find the time to keep my posts to this site up to date. I may have free time but I am not physically able to work comfortably and consequently don't achieve a work rate to keep my mind from wandering. This is very boring and dissatisfying and I lose interest in life and work.

I had a relatively productive week and with Liz's help we have sent out 100 brochures about the business and we will be following up this week with a phone call to each company.

It was my birthday on Friday. Thank you all for the cards, texts, phone calls etc ( those who really love me gave me gifts. ha) Anyway I had a great day and stopped work at 3pm to prepare a roast for the kids and Colleen for dinner.

Today Alex will be over to watch Liverpool vs Chelsea. I am a member of the local social club which will be showing the match. Now I need to go and have a coffee before they arrive.

Catch up

It is a warming sunny day. Temperature is around 19 degrees but should get to 20,21 later. We have had a succession of low pressure systems rolling in from the north west bringing cold rain.

I reaped most of my vegetables but I am still harvesting raspberries, salad leaves and corn. I will be planning my winter crops soon.

I was fortunate to have the assistance of a new PA called Liz. We work well together and I hope it works out.

Open Roads charity work is keeping us busy and we had a full day meeting on Saturday trying to keep up with all that needs to be done.

Went to see John last in the afternoon (Sunday) and drank some wine and chatted to some delightful friends of his. He reaped some vegetables from his allotment and garden which we had for dinner, potatoes, sweetcorn and sundries. I wasn't happy with my helper, he was on the phone throughout, coming off briefly to give me a peanut or two and snatch a handful for himself, before disappearing. I now have to address this before it continues.

Time the destroyer

A day, a week, becomes a year and time keeps ticking, advancing relentlessly. I have not been up to my goal to regularly publish my thoughts and experiences. My only defence i the weakness in my body to release my thoughts from the all consuming struggle against the pain and discomfort. Don't get me wrong my pain is minor compared to many who struggle against debilitating agony. So without further delay.

Angela came in to be my assistant. We worked well together and I broadened my ideas and goals to take into account some of the new skills she brought with her. Last weekend however she decided it was more important to be with her boyfriend in Canada and she flew off today. So I start again to search for a suitable PA.

Take a look at the Aide de Vie website and let me know what comments you have.

My car went into the workshop for a test of the battery and system, but they can't find any problems, so its back to square one. I will now rig up a system to plug it into when not in use everyday.

Battle against it

I write today, not really having intended to do so. My mind wanders around the events of the last weeks and I now realise to do it justice a full and proper account of the time would take a day. So, instead I will be brief and just do a flavour.

Needless to say there is no sign of Valentino and I have given up hoping he will be returned.

Aide de Vie is still advancing and it can be very stressful trying to balance the various interactions and conflicts, that arise along the way. This is a process and the birth pain will be replaced by a post natal depression. It is tough but I love it.

My new PA, Angela, has fitted in very well and is well liked by all. She has just finished putting the finishing touches to our brochure so next week we start printing.

Open Roads has applied for a £66k grant, if we secure that we can start to activate our plans.

If you get a chance, get the DVD "Instinct", starring Anthony Hopkins as a scientist who takes on the life of the gorillas he is study in Rwanda. Revealing to the way we think in the modern world.

Fresh Bread

Still no news of Valentino, I can't see that I will find him now. There has been 1 phone call, in response to my notices, some teenager playing around "looking for a bird". Well good luck to him,I say. All the birds in my life have flown.

I have a busy week ahead. Angela, my new assistant, arrives on Monday afternoon. She will board with me until she finds accommodation. I am looking forward to getting to be more productive.

I have not been in good spirits lately. My heart is heavy and my outlook (normally positive) is dim and depressed. I know that my life is very limited and loneliness will be with me, but it is very difficult to live with the gnawing emptiness.

I invited my neighbours over yesterday for home made chicken soup and fresh baked bread. We had a good evening.

Lost

I am heartbroken with the loss of my friend Valentino. As a friendly cockatiel I may be lucky to get him back. I have put notices up and posted leaflets around. There's a small chance he will be found and I can only hope I have done enough to get him back.

The weather in these parts is poor again. It hasn't been the best summer. Despite the weather I have had a reasonable crop of vegetables and yesterday I gave the children a big roast meal with fresh garden vegetables. We ate outside in the conservatory and had a pleasant afternoon.

Quiet has descended as the children left early. I am catching up on one or 2 e-mails before I go outside to the conservatory to read. (it's a holiday today)

Memories and Musings

Sunny Sunday morning with wintery chill in the summer sun. My mind wanders to home, to youth, to easier times when life was simpler and my struggle was simply to grow up. I had a Facebook contact with a school friend from my younger days. I only spent 4 years in Empangeni but I remember my friends often. Many have joined Facebook and my mind gets dragged back in to the memories with every contact.

I had a Skype message from my mother today and she tells me they had some things stolen from the garage. Yes, it is upsetting to have someone unknown violate your space but what can you do? They maybe needed the things more after all.

My children have been away for 2 weeks, on holiday with Colleen and her boyfriend. I think the gap in my life and the total sense of isolation brought about through this paralysis adds to a feeling of abandonment. My world is insular now. From being outgoing and extrovert I am become reserved introspective. I hesitate to say brooding and melancholy but I wonder if this is the next stage? I don't go quietly into this state, I am a firm believer and I have faith in a purpose for all that has happened. I won't go timidly into the night, but I will fight against the fading of the light. Help me.

I have a big burn on my hand from a hot tea spill and Valentino (cockatiel) seems wary of it. He gave it a nibble but I think the smell of antiseptic puts off. He loves listening to music and climbs down from shoulder and clambers onto my desk displaying juvenile clumsiness before stomping all over my keyboard. I had to delete what he wrote, for fear of offending someone or falling fowl (hee hee) of Google decency rules.

I went to our new offices on Friday and it looks good we should be kicking off some courses soon. We desperately need to get the cash in.

Life in the "summer sun"

Life in the UK can be fantastic when the sun shines. Except that it is so elusive and keeps hiding behind the clouds. Some days have been good and some pictures out in my back garden .

In Eddie's place (a little patio surrounded by vegetable beds)you can easily pick cabbage carrots, parsnip,tomato, rocket, lettuce, beans, corn, basil and sorrel.

Coming off the deck

The apple tree (behind me, out of the frame) is laden with apples and I hope the corn follows suit.

Valentino watching me work.

View of the back garden with the herbs to the right of the trampoline

For those who have asked about the chair it has been serviced and adjusted and it is better but still not right. I have developed poor posture and I can't work out what the problem is. Thank you all for the kind words and concern.

Desperation

If you are a regular reader you will notice the tone a the shortening of my posts. I have struggled to be in the chair and the constant fight is playing tricks with my focus and concentration. This is very debilitating and I am in a bad mood most of the time. I have so much to do and I keep getting further behind.

I need a replacement for my PA, Linda. It pays well and I need someone ASAP any suggestions?

Feathered friend

I can't write too much today. I am having problems in the chair and I won't last long in this position. Try it for yourself sometime, deliberately sit badly, then imagine your are unable to move. Now see how long you last.

Anyway, enough of the problems, I want you to meet my friend. He is 10 weeks old and just discovering his world. His name is Valentino (after Valentino Rossi). He is hand reared i.e. completely tame and totally unafraid of humans. He should learn to talk but I am a bad teacher because I hardly speak!

Lonely post

Today is the day I write. Regular readers will have noticed the paucity of postings lately. I could explain why, however you will have to forgive my deep level of introspection. My mood plummeted recently as I faced the realisation that I cannot be a good advocate for myself. I will always develop strong arguments to get others represented and justice, but I have an inability to put forward myself ahead of others in situations which are about the work I do. This relies on people knowing me or being similarly inclined. This unlikely circumstance therefore doesn't occur and consequently I will enter a very lonely place where my feeling of separation from others is deepened.

Some nights are long. Lately the nights have become anguished hours of restless discomfort. Peace of mind and a restful sleep are a blessing.


We are busy with the launch of a new business. I developed a presentation which we (Simon and I) are presenting to different potential clients. Our success will depend on the interest we arouse and the level of customer need. To give you an idea of the company image I have placed a copy of our logo and strap line for you. Our key point of differentiation is our commitment to care quality and the care givers professional status. In addition 40% of our board are disabled.
I will need a new assistant as Linda will be talking on new duties with Aide de Vie. Please can someone with computer skills and a good telephone manner apply.

Busy times

It's been a busy week with 2 busy weeks to go. We are promoting the new business, Aide de Vie to care and nursing companies. The response has been good and I think our obvious enthusiasm and our fresh approach are having an influence.

Work on the charity has slowed as we seek to register and establish the foundation. Our first big project will most likely be a symposium. We will use the occasion to create discussion and awareness whilst raising support.

I have the kids here today. Last night we had a small BBQ and watched a video. We had fun and I missed not seeing them for the last 2 weeks.

My son went to a school function. A bunch of them hired a limo for the occasion.

Customer care? Are you joking! ?

The last 2 weeks have been a blur. I have helped my son with his final physics paper. I have had back to back meetings for the new company, Aide de Vie and the charity Open Roads. We held a workshop for 25 people and on Friday this culminated in a barbeque for 25 + at my house. After a "quiet" weekend with the children it was back to work.

My PA, Linda, is in France for 3 weeks and I am sharing my office with 2 fellow directors also in wheelchairs. It is busy but it is a good type of busy.

If there is anyone who is wheelchair bound you may sympathise with with my experiences. My wheelchair is not comfortable and there is not a day where I don't struggle to be in the chair. I have been advised to have a day in bed. I hate being stuck in bed. It is so boring. I always say, "I will sleep when I am dead!" To my mind I haven't got time to waste.

My problems in the wheelchair have been worse in the last few months and I finally resorted to resolving the problem. Once identified you would think the rest is easy. I never bargained for the service I would receive from Balder UK. They came for a consultation 4 weeks ago and I received the quote a week ago after numerous phone calls e-mails. The quote was incomplete and I am still waiting for the correct response. It seems that customer care doesn't concern them.

As if this wasn't bad enough my bed broke on the weekend and I am having a tough time getting it fixed. My normally restless sleep is now twice as bad.

So that is it. I need to go and write another letter to Balder UK.

Feeling Sound

The Scouse tribe from Liverpool have a word to describe when something, someone or a personal state that is good or positive. For example when describing a meal just consumed or a brother's friend, they might use the adjective "sound" to show positivity or approval.

Well, Feeling Sound Musiclab in this example is more literal and is the name of a website for an initiative to expand our skills in listening to and engaging with music. It was developed by musicians and music psychologists and you can take part in an experiment on the site. It's a fun test and quite interesting so if you have time, give it a go.