2017 What just happened?

A reflection...

The year draws to an end and a new year begins. It is the season of peace and goodwill. The last 18 months have felt like the pus pouring from a rotting wound. I have felt bewildered by the hatred and cruelty that seems to be everywhere in the world today. The gap between the super rich and the rest is widening. Racism and hate are brazenly displayed. World leaders are standing by while there is genocide in Burma, people dying of starvation in Yemen, murdering factions in the DRC (Congo) and ongoing suffering in Syria. There is so much separation and division, such violence and hate, that I feel a sense of deep despair. Where is the hope? Where are the leaders that stand up for what is right and good? Where are the leaders willing to  make a difference and speak out for the oppressed and weak?

In the richest country America we see a leader who has only ever known wealth and affluence brazenly displaying prejudice and ignorance. Leading his nation into some dark places.

In the UK we see politicians trying to outdo each other as Brexiteers, making wild claims about the prospects of Britain separated from Europe. Coupled with this a rise in hate crime and nationalism.

In Austria we have seen the rise of a party with roots in Nazi thinking becoming the second largest party and entering government through coalition.

Intolerance is on the increase and is given more license by media and leaders with attitudes and opinions filled with thinking that is based on attitudes of intolerance and racism.  Blaming their problems on others (Muslim, black, immigrants, Mexicans etc.).  Far right groups are given air time and are on the increase (Austrian politics has recently seen a far right group come 2nd in recent elections). Demonization of immigrants, Muslims and foreigners is an increasing trend that is reminiscent of the Nazi campaign against the Jews which started before the 2nd World War, when they were just a minor party.

The destruction of other cultures and people starts with a seemingly good thing, the fight to protect your own culture, people and way of life. This is used to justify blaming another group which quickly descends to dehumanising and justified destruction of this group. Good men and women are drawn into the thinking that it is right to destroy another group if they are evil and threaten your own people. The seeds for genocide are sown by good people twisted into bad thinking.

I feel helpless as I sit in my wheelchair and watch these events unfold. Frustrated by my speech impediment and inability to express my views verbally, I have to write them down. I worry about the world that we have created for our children. A world that seems to lean easily toward hate and division, towards falsehood and misinformation. Where is the hope?

I read a quote once that said "For evil to flourish, good men and women must just do nothing". It is going to take the voices of good people everywhere to speak out in their daily lives against prejudice, dehumanisation, hate speech and division. We all need to be more tolerant, less judgemental and more caring. Working toward a future of hope and common humanity. A world that works toward the common good.

I know that it sounds like "namby pamby, liberal nonsense" but I am not saying that we should just let go of our societal structures and norms, instead we should examine the world around us and stand up for the weak, for the marginalized and for those who need help.

As 2017 shudders to its close and 2018 starts to show, make it your resolve to stand for good when the world around you turns negative.

Do not go gentle…

Lately I feel the effect of the last year of illness. When I ended up in ICU 3 times and spent almost a year in ICU recovering and waiting for care arrangements, I found out that whilst I was sedated; there were considerations about whether to turn off the life support. I realised that the value of my life had become a lot less. Effectively, the question of whether to preserve my life had become a justification. In other words "was there any reason to preserve my life".

When one is weak and vulnerable, the value of your life is diminished. I know that I have a low quality life compared to normal able bodied persons. I don't go out much, I can't ever have a normal relationship, I experience severe periods of loneliness. The list of negatives is indeed long.

Yet, through all of this I love and I am loved. I am still able to do things for others whether advice, guidance or encouragement. I can enjoy the small things a warm fire, a sunny day and beauty in people and things around me.

I fight to keep alive; some weeks it feels like a daily challenge. I am very aware of the fragility of my life. There is a point where I am powerless to make a difference to my health and I have to let it be. On the days when I feel the weakness and my system deteriorates I despair at the tenuous nature of it all.

The words of Dylan Thomas addressed to his dying father replay over and over in my mind; 

Do not go gentle into that good night,

Old age should burn and rave at close of day;

Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Wrecked

I feel alone, hopeless.
Where do I turn?
My dreams, my hopes have been eroded.
I cling on to the flotsam that remains.
I am sinking, alone.

Carpé Diem

A couple of months ago I spent a week in hospital with an infected gallbladder. I was very ill and in terrible pain. I couldn't move for the pain and food was out of question. I was scanned and probed and the Doctor decided that antibiotics were preferable to surgery. I think this was based on my condition (as a quadraplegic) and the potential impact of surgery. It was 3 days into my stay and on the 2nd set of antibiotics that I began to feel really low. I had a sense of my mortality and all my plans still unfulfilled, suddenly I was aware I didn't want to remain in the hospital, surrounded by strangers. I wanted to be with people I loved.

On this day,  I was asleep. It was 4am and I was struggling. I was too weak to wake myself and the world began to fade; I realised I needed to come back. I was awoken by Debbie after she woke up to find  me lying very still and I wasn't breathing. I was filled with a sense of gratitude, relief and a little afraid.

I decided I needed to get out of the hospital as soon as I could.

This weekend I had with my children and I loved every minute. I won't see them for 3 months and I will miss them.

Every moment of life is for being.... so be a part of every moment.

Assisted Suicide

So sitting in the half-light of a summer evening, "Embarrassing Bodies" in the background (Channel 4's Entertainment for the evening, intended to raise ooh's, ouch and other similar reactions). There is a paraplegic trying to walk, a guy with a condition called Zoon's Balanitis (yes a real health condition, believe it or not, an inflamed penis) and other similarly embarrassing conditions. Which, ironically, are so bad that they are prepared to display all, to millions on tv.

I am thinking about the debate raging at the moment. Assisted Suicide. Currently focused on terminal patients (6 months to live). Typically people with terminal cancer or similar. Fear of a painful lingering death and the loss of dignity gives rise to this call to be allowed to choose when they die. I am reminded that there are many people who are too disabled to commit suicide. Some want to broaden the debate to include them. They  would like that they can choose the time and place and not have it that any person who assists be prosecuted.

The debate is opposed by others concerned that by allowing this society puts undue pressure to end their lives. They argue that family members may presurise sufferers to end it and stop being a burden. Obviously weak minded or depreesed people are susceptible.

I just think that physically disabled people should be allowed the same choices as others. I went through a stage of being really stressed by the feeling that I would end up helpless and unable to do anything while others controlled my life. It is said that, knowing one can choose, when the time comes removes the pressure. In my life I have found that I can cope if I do a day at a time. If the day is bad I always say, "One more day....". This way I can keep going.

What do you think?

Getting up on a Sunny Sunday morning.

Getting up on a Sunny Sunday morning.

I lay in bed with the radio on. I imagined what it would be like to swing my legs over the side sit up, yawn and stretch. To stand up, throw open the curtains and to take a step outside the back doo and breathe the frosty winter air. ahh well better call for carer Debbie to begin the process of dressing me and hoisting me into a wheelchair.

Did you know that the classical onion dome architecture is influenced from Greek orthodox which coincidentally was based in Constantinople  which was later destroyed and became Istanbul.
The origin of the name Algorithm for the the programming  rules in electronic devices is Muslim ,named after a clever Muslim man who used basic rules to calculate complex problems .

16 million people have genes from Genghis Kahn.
Truth is we all need each other- we are brothers
Happy New Year 

Flight to UK

Having just spent 2 months with my parents, I traveled from South Africa to the UK this week. I left home around 3 pm on Tuesday and left Durban heading for Dubai at around 7 pm. I flew Emirates Air. Despite the kind staff and their efforts , it was a difficult flight with pain and discomfort throughout. I can't  sleep under conditions like these. Taking tablets is dangerous as I may sleep through a pressure point, which can cause dangerous pressure sores (skin circulation is cutoff due to prolonged pressure , causing the flesh to die).So I stay awake or just doze a little. A good friend gave me a travel pillow and this helped reduce the fatigue .

The flight to Dubai lasts 8 hrs. We had a 3-4 hr wait for our connection to Birmingham. I was tired when we landed and planned to have a rest in my Wheelchair while we waited. Now, for those who don't know, to be seated I have to be lifted  from my wheelchair onto an aisle chair. This a manhandling procedure. Takes several men to lift me and deposit me on a narrow aisle chair, which is used to get me to my seat, where the process repeats to place me in my seat.

In Dubai disaster struck when ground staff sent the chair off to baggage claims. I was already on the aisle chair when someone realized. At this point time stood still and I was pressured and pushed to just use a standard wheelchair.  I was tired and sore from the narrow aisle chair. I had been parked leaning against a wall in the  plane doorway. I knew that the moment that I left the plane I would lose my leverage and any hope of getting my wheelchair would be lost. So I refused to move whilst the captain and his crew screamed at the ground staff. They couldn't leave until I did.

My chair was found and ferried back across the vast  runways and terminals of Dubai .An hour had pass I was in agony but I had won! Having my wheelchair back meant that I would get 40 mins rest before we began the next leg and boarded for Birmingham.

So I am home. I spasmed and squirmed for 5 hrs of the 6 hour flight but I am ok, despite long scratches down my sides and every joint aching. I am recovering and will be fine in a day or two.

I had a dream

I had a  dream

So I had this dream where I was ok again, my paralysis and my passive demeanour where non-existent. I was strong and animated. I could talk with emphasis and charisma. I was with my boy Alex and he is on my mind an awful lot lately as are each of my children. We were surrounded by a throng of people all around but were alone and talking.

Suddenly I heard myself start to speak intently. I was looking at Alex, eye to eye, words began to flow like a dam bursting. The meaning was powerful and  the delivery poetic.  I said,

Each of us has 4 seasons in our life. Spring, summer, autumn and winter. Each characterised by specific purposes and outcomes. We are a living seed that is planted into the soil which characterises the environment and circumstances of the life we are planted into. We may be in poor soil, we may never see enough sunshine or get enough rain. We may be in rich soil with perfect conditions. We may be in rocky ground without water. These are not our choice but they are part the life we need to live and overcome.

This life will have phases and each phase will have distinct features and opportunities:  these are like seasons.  Each season has a purpose and a meaning and in your life you need to get all there is to maximise the benefit of the phase and prepare for the next.  The spring is the beginning of your life and the winter the last of your life. To enjoy summer you will need strong roots and broad leaves. In Autumn your fruit will fall away and give back to feed your seed as Winter will diminish you and your strength will draw into your roots.

In spring it’s all about growth, expansion of your abilities, prowess, boundaries and possibilities.  Send your roots deep and your branches wide. You need to maximise your opportunities to give yourself options. Evolution teaches that survival depends on a species ability to adapt, I tell you now your survival is measured on your ability to  maximise your abilities and possibilities and to succeed.

“Make the mistakes while you are young “, is what they say; I say to you push the boundaries.  Don’t be afraid to try, your future depends on learning from failure (and success).

No one can tell you how to live, others will point or bar the way;  but you have to choose. You can choose to go against what others say, you can choose a new way  or acquiesce (give in). Whatever you choose you have to choose, even deciding to do nothing is still in effect, a choice. It is not failure to change your mind. It takes courage to admit you were wrong and strength to make a change. If you choose something which is difficult to do you will need to be strong and make the sacrifices that will be required.

The seasons will continue to influence your life, prepare yourself and realise that you can’t stop the sun from rising or setting;  but you can be prepared to get the most from each phase. Reject company or situations that entice you away from your purpose.  

 Be prepared, be wise, be true to yourself.

From emptiness to hope

Last time I wrote about emptiness and the feeling you get when you don't feel human, feel seperate from others. Today I am in a better place but the separateness of being disabled adds a dimension to life that others in your life can't relate to. I don't expect they will be able and I don't really mind; but I need connection. To feel that I am more than an object of interest. A person, who needs dignity ,love and hope. Yes hope.

I have a good sense of humour and can keep up with most. I have opinions on most things but can't be bothered to talk when I feel ignored. Sometimes when speaking I will gettalked over. That is tough. When you already feel invisible it can be hurtful. Hey, I used to be able to banter as good as anyone ,now I am a listener.

Emotions are not something to be afraid of or embarrassed by. They define our humanity. Making us separate from AI(artificial intelligence) and giving us abilities we don't understand. The ability to be motivated , ultruistic, caring and hopeful in the face of obvious hopelessness.

Our foolishness ,our quirkyness,our crooked teeth and wobbly smiles. Are perfect. Perfect definitions of our humanity.

Maddening emptiness

I sit listening and sometimes watching the 6 o'clock news. I have just eaten 2 finger roll with some leftover homemade boerewors (sausage) and the salad bits nobody wanted. A simple meal which proved difficult. Depending on another's hands is never easy but being fed is the hardest when it comes to finger food. How to hold it and release it so that the bite is possible and it goes into the mouth and not around the mouth. Eating salad is another challenge. I don't eat much during the day. I prefer to undergo the frustration and irritation of being fed only once a day.
Its  not all that bad. Sometimes it can be a pleasure to enjoy the meal leisurely and without concern for the process.

I looked forward to today as I was expecting to see the kids with cousin Cara and Colleen. Arriving just as my physio was due to start meant that I needed to cut short my session. Unfortunately, Cara wasn't with them and had returned by train earlier and Ruth was at school. I had taken out some of my home made boerewors out earlier. Now barbequed, they all scoffed whilst I watched.
Emptiness has filled me, the fleeting visit has cemented the walls that seem to be separating me from others. The wheelchair used to feel like a force-field, keeping others at a distance. Somehow I have become the force field. Now, after all have left, I feel like water that is poured onto a beach, spent.
Trying to eat a meal and give instruction about being fed is just another burden that threatens to overload my temperament. I feel my carer's resentment when I remark that the task I asked for 2 days hasn't been done but I ignore it and remain undeterred.
More walls.

Contemplation

Contemplation
 Stoke Mandeville Hospital Day 10

The day has drawn to a quiet close. The echo of voices and the whooshing sound of powered wheelchairs is the only sound in my room at end of the ward. As i put on some soft jazz I drift into a state of melancholy contemplation.

I realise I not in a happy state but I am open to the feelings and thoughts which wander aimlessly around in my mind. Since Tuesday I have had no voice and I have withdrawn from interaction. Normally an extrovert with gregarious tendency, I never put myself into positions where the quiet inner voice can be heard. Somehow I like it. I am alone in this place but I am not lonely.

This feeling was my experience quite regularly when I spent a year in Antarctica. It is such a magnificent and expansive place that one simply has to be alone to to think while you absorb your surroundings.

Overlooking the bukta (frozen sea salient)

The midnight sun just returning after winter.

Baby icebergs trapped by sea ice

This week I had a series of injections in my neck and biceps to reduce the level of activity in them. This may seem strange namely to paralyse a paralysed man even further. However, if muscles are over active they can mask other movement or just distort the body. The injection is a controlled dose of botulinum toxin, botox, when injected deep into the muscle it goes to work poisoning the are so after a few days the muscle becomes paralysed. I haven't reached that stage yet.

Justice, is the law only for ordinary folk?

Recently in the UK we had the Libor scandal. This was a shocking revelation that banks had colluded to set inter bank lending rate. This rate essentially deternines the cost of borrowing by consumers. So it had the effect of "stealing" from everyone who needed to loan money or had an existing loan. What's upsetting and ironic is that the rich bankers sought to enrich themselves further at the expense of the very people who through their taxes had bailed out the banks a few months earlier. This scale of this scandal was described by Andrew Lo, MIT Professor of Finance: "This dwarfs by orders of magnitude any financial scam in the history of markets."

Nobody went to jail or has suffered from their part in this. The banks were fined and the CEO resigned with a big payout. The bank staff continued to get massive bonuses and kept their jobs.The losers were the bank's shareholders who essentially bore the cost of the fines and share price drop and the bank's customers who paid excessive interest.

Today UK news is of another scandal, but this time in energy markets. The essence of this scandal is the colluding by energy providers to set the gas price artificially. This effect would be to keep the retail price of gas high even though the wholesale price had dropped substantially.

In common these examples show an essential flaw in our world. We have lost our understanding of right and wrong. When you break into a man home and steal his possessions it's wrong and you go to jail. If you lift a mans wallet in the street it's a crime and you go to jail. However, if you run a big company and preside over a system that colludes to defraud systems designed to ensure fair consumer prices; you get a big bonus and a massive pension .Where are the great entrepreneurs that stood apart as daring contributors to society, enriching society and using their wealth for positive outcomes?

Contrast this to the captains of industry in the 19th century, for example Brunel.
In the early to mid 1800's we had massive industrial development. One man stands out Isambard Kingdom Brunel he was ambitious and brave, not afraid to think big, confident in the face of critical press and his impact was felt by all. An English mechanical and civil engineer, he built bridges and dockyards, the Great Western Railway, a series of steamships including the first propeller-driven transatlantic steamship and numerous important bridges and tunnels. His designs revolutionised public transport and modern engineering. His work provided employment for many and new mobility to millions. They advanced the public good.

Isambard Kingdom Brunel by the launching chains of the SS Great Eastern

Today we have spotty faced billionaires and stuffed shirt CEOs running massive corporations. In common the aim in these worlds is to accumulate wealth. A few philanthropists like Bill Gates are amongst them but they seem insignificant. What legacy of these wealthy captains of industry will remain? Will they impoverish the world in their pursuit of more wealth?

Stoke Mandeville Hospital Day 6

Stoke Mandeville Hospital Day 6
I arrived at SMH yesterday afternoon and I wasn't that well.  This persisted through to a bad night and today. I thought I might need energy (I had been eating light on Saturday and Sunday ) so had toast and coffee. This was a bad idea and my blood pressure plummeted and went all woozy.  If you want attention in a hospital just try saying you feel light headed and you will get you vital signs measured and be asked a load of questions which feels bewilderingly like the Spanish Inquisition. After an hour or so I felt a little better and measurement showed that my pressure had risen slightly and although low was more manageable. So I just had a slow day today.

I am using an adapted tablet PC running windows 7 about the size of an ipad. This has modifications which allow me access without the need to touch the display or use a keyboard . Instead I can control the mouse pointer with my head orientation. I select or click with a button in my left hand (I have sufficient movement in  my thumb to press  down).

So I completed my therapy for the day and have been listening to music and browsing the internet. I will probably get an early night.

A book tribute for 36 million

Yang Jisheng

 TOMBSTONE

Recently translated into English,, but published in 1990 The book "TOMBSTONE" by Yang Jisheng is a factually based account of the events and attitudes leading up  to and during the  The Great Famine.. A low point in then recent   history of China. Just 50 years  ago the famine occurred from 1958 to 1962. 36 Million Chinese people died. More than  in any similar tragedy. It was  a tragedy born of  arrogance  and idealism but fed by fear and  ignorance.

What do you know about China? I know very little. Radio4 has a book reading every day and last week they featured Tombstone by Yang Jisheng. The book was first published in Chinese but has recently been translated into English  by Stacy Mosher and Guo Jian. Released in October 2012.

       .
It is a tribute to his foster father who died during the Great Famine. Set in the period from 1958 to 1962 and during  Mao's "Great leap forward".He ascribes the meaning of the title as a tribute to his foster father's sacrifice to give him the quality of life he had.which deserved more than a stone memory but a written tribute. Saying that stone can be destroyed but the words will live forever.

During my reading on the subject  came across this site  about things Chinese "The Peking Duck" which adds to the understanding of what the book is about.:

"The descriptions of what the peasants endured during the GLF, familiar as they are, are still heartbreaking. And forget about the line that it was simply another naturally occurring famine. No, not at all. It was a man-made event, and had it not been for Mao and his ego and his dogma it wouldn’t have happened.

I wrote in the margins of every page in this chapter. It was a scene of mayhem and death and cannibalism the likes of which we can never imagine. I had read about Tombstone last year, but never knew the full story behind it. Its publication highlights the Party’s increasing toleration. But always, of course, within limits" 

The book had a strong reaction from me and made interesting listening it will no doubt be a good read.

Bangs, falls, pops and aches

Stoke Mandeville Hospital Day 3

The next 3 weeks I will be in rehabilitation for my back and posture; some thoughts and observations during my stay. This blog has taken over 90mins to write due to to computer playing up and aches from physio.

I was fed up after my first session  at smh as there was no coordinated plan. So I went and asked the consultant if we could get everyone together for a planning meeting. so hopefully things will begin to  take shape.   The plan is   to address the excess muscle activity on my Rhs which pulls me over with targeted botox injections which, if done properly, won't be harmful.

On  Monday while transferring I fell out the sling.  Luckily  I landed on my head, so they only need to repair the broken floor tile! Other than that I am just full of aches.

There was a  big  rush of attention to get me x-rayed but I didn't want to  be fussed about. I normally would welcome attention but all I got was inquiring stares. Not one cup of tea among them. My carer, Debbie, looked on sheepishly  and anxiously  trying to be as inconspicuous as ever but only managed to get some sideways glances from nurses and hca's thankful it  wasn't them responsible.

One of the delightful aspects of spinal injury is embarrassing bodily functions that cannot be controlled or hidden in the typical behaviour; like quickly leaving a room to burp or let out a cloud of gas. Even the dignity of receiving a bodily warning in order to preempt the incident, is  just not a feature. One could be quietly sitting talking and sharing a cuppa with friends when  a loud noise suddenly leaves your body. if you are unlucky and you are in posh company the noise with will be followed by the smell of a rotting corpse.

While writing this..in the silence of  my hospital room I jumped out of my skin when  a  loud POP sound  (fart) from my bottom suddenly escaped and was  gone

Another day in the life of tetraplegia.

What is a castle without a foundation?

One of my  favoured activities is to share a meal with the family. I miss the family interaction and just watching how my children talk and behave. I am always so proud of the quality and depth of their characters. The girls have striking physical beauty, but more important is the loveliness of character, the honesty of the relationship they have with each other and themselves.

So I made a large pork roast with crispy crackling roasted butternut and potatoes with crunchy brocolli and mustard flavoured gravy. The food rapidly disappeared into flushed smiling faces and laughter garnished the process. This took me too long to really ,fully understand. Family is precious.

The word familiar has become denigrated in modern parlance. It has come to mean "boring", "uninteresting" and old fashioned. Really it means essential, life supporting and sustaining. Is not the foundation important to the castle ? A castle without a foundation quickly becomes a ruin. A family is a foundation supported with love and honesty.

my left hand

Goodbye I said as they left
Going away
my children and ex left the house.
The pain reaches a climax

None can fathom the depth of dispair
of helpless loneliness
of desperate emptiness
what do I do now?

I look down
my imobile body
with the only message
from finger movement on my left hand

Facebook, friends and focus.

I have found Facebook a big distraction from my blog. It is often easy to while away an hour just checking fb or contributing a quick comment. Somehow it's more satisfing to spend an hour writing something considered and deliberate. Facebook has the fantastic feature of quick feeback and the ability to have several simultaneous conversations.

This week I was contacted by my best friend at school, Pieter. It's been oveer 20 years since we spoke. My life from a high flying manager with  an international job, has become a daily battle with paralysis and all the impact of the physical limitations I now have. Even simple things have become impossible or now require huge effort and patience. For example, I can't move below my neck but even just sitting upright is difficult without back and abdomen control. Probably the most frustrating thing for me is talking. Along with paralysis, I had some damage to speech and swallow. So for 6 months I was tube fed and couldn't speak. Trying to call someone like a nurse meant trying  to click my paralysed tongue or moan and blink. I developed enough tongue movement to allow rudimentary montone speech in short bursts.

The changes to me physically haven't changed the essential man part of me. I have sensation and all normal bodily functofions. Without the ability to express myself in satisfying ways, I am very quiet and don't socialise as frequently as I need. I miss hugs and cuddles and although not impossible sex is not spontaneous and free. So I have become a less extrovert person and can spend endless hours on my own.

So Facebook has helped me stay in touch but it has also become a sink for constructive musings or activity. This is something to be guarded against.

The past week saw the completion of my kitchen repair after a broken drain had caused a large buildup of damp and damage. I include a few pictures. The challenge to do a good job of it within the budget provided was impossible so I told the insurers that if they believed it was possible to achieve they should do it. So they did. A month later they were still busy. I believe they never managed to stay within budget either. Indeed the time alone would have come to 4 times the offer made to me. I did need to keep the doors and drawers but changed the handles and knobs.

Lonely Bubble

Encouraged by the thoughts and words of other people . I often think that, I am alone in my bubble, which is the exclusion zone created by a wheelchair. Yet, we are all "alone". It is because we are, that we seek others to make contact with. We look to others and hope, hope that their being will prove we are not alone. So it is that to be ourselves we want others to affirm us.

In truth, we need to be ourselves first, to seek to accept ourselves for who we are, to let that knowledge affirm us. Being who I am is neither a good nor a bad thing. Being who I am doesn't mean I don't need to change, indeed I will change as I go through life. My happiness must come from the knowing, that I am growing. Becoming something better, something admirable and pleasing.

The thorns and the rose are more, when they have each other.

BEING

Sitting in the evening  light which is filtering in through my hospital window.
I am reading a book on my e-reader on the pc. My mind jumps from the story to the day’s events.

So here it is; the body is finely tuned. Each muscle and joint balanced with another. Disturbing the balance slightly will have a big effect. Undoing the damage is slow and painful. I am being stretched and pushed to correct tight muscles on one side of my body which is pulling me over and changing my posture.

I feel subdued, reflective and a little melancholy. How hard life is and how difficult it has become.  Being who I am now takes constant effort. The discipline is draining. Weariness and pain always present.

Giving  in isn’t an option  and being anything else isn’t either.