Being told about your children's achievements leaves one bursting with pride and satisfaction. If I had known this perhaps I would have tried harder at school, mmmm, maybe not, I was never that ambitious.

I want my kids to be happy in their skins ,to be well adjusted and to accept who they are.

I have recently had some good news about Alex and Carmen and I never realised what a powerful effect this was. I never like to place "expected achievements " for my kids to attain. I always felt they should enjoy their childhood, do their best in all things and discover who they are. Well when Alex told me recently about an A in maths and full colours for football, followed by Carmen's news today that her netball team won a shield at a tournament; I began bursting with pride. I know why now.

I felt proud and satisfied because of one important fact. It has not been easy for either of them. Alex has had to persevere with football without a father's day to day encouragement and the occasional kick about. For maths, his quiet disposition means he is virtually ignored, in class by teachers .So his achievement here is a credit to his wonderful persevering character.
Carmen has had to fight for a chance to play netball. Against, disdain and selfish behaviour from the better off kids she persevered to make the 3rd team. She continued to be committed and became team captain. At this point she led the team by example and I often overheard other parents remarking about her exceptional playing.

So their achievements have not been easily attained, but through hard work, perseverance and character. That's why I'm proud!

If you have given up on me, I won't forgive you. You can't expect me to update you all on my life, when you never tell me about yours! I say this a smile and a cheeky wink,but in truth I take this blog as a serious exercise. I want to lay bare some of the advantages and difficulties of a disabled life. Yes I believe there are some advantages. Many relate to my new view on things.

When I decided I was going to take the challenge on I had to do so wholeheartedly. You realise now that I was so distraught to find myself so absolutely helpless, unable to speak and move it is hardly surprising I had thoughts of suicide. I still do but now they are more academic and not a lingering obsession.

When you take a challenge like this on, the cold reality of the massive commitment and dedication required are certainly not apparent. My only thoughts were about not giving up. So I began to use the ability I have to be stubborn in a creative way. For example: If I couldn't solve a physical problem I would exhaust my knowledge of the properties of matter and physics trying to find alternatives my limited mobility might succeed in. If this failed I reached inside for the optimist and used the situation to see some aspect that was funny.

Of course if I knew then, what I know now, I may have shrunk away. Therein is the lesson, the longest and most difficult journey begins with the first step and the unwavering effort of putting 1 step in front of the other.


On a lighter note I had Carmen and Alex on Friday evening. Ruth and Carmen on Saturday and netball tournament with Carmen today . She received her second certificate for player of the week. She is a star! Showing real leadership and displaying all the self-doubt and humility of good leadership. I'm so proud of her!

It has been a week since I last sat down to complete an update to my blog. There are several reasons for this. I can obviously point out that I'm busy, and I have been training a new carer. Interesting enough this may be, but I worry that this alone does not account for my poor diligence in respect to my blog. There is a further dimension. It may explain this and more. My emotional energy generator is running slow. This is essential for all of us to function, more so for disabled people. It is not something inherent in ones character but it's like a fruit tree. A tree that gives much fruit requires much attention and the right food. This may be a factor, I don't know anymore. I just do my best, one day at a time.

Friday was a good day and after a hard few days preparing for a meeting, the meeting went ever so well. Linda, my pa, had been ill all week and off colour on Thursday. I needed her experience and skill with market research to do this project so as I prepared to do the meeting with or without assistance I was relieved when she arrived and it was a totally successful day.

On Friday night I picked up Alex and Carmen and Colleen dropped Ruth off after her performing arts school lessons, at 6:30 the next day.

Today was an early start as we took Carmen to her Netball tournament. Tried to find a nice cafe for lunch afterwards but failed and ended up in Sainsbury's restaurant. Carmen's team won the first match 13-0 and promplty lost the second 1-15. Oh well!

It was a lovely warm weekend. I spent the time enjoying the warm weather and yesterday had a bbq with a few friends.

I have been very busy doing a project for a client and don't have much spare time any more. At least I'm busy! I so wish I could read and scribble notes! I have difficulty jotting down impromptu thoughts and ideas so consequently productivity is not good. I have taken on some specialised work and need to recruit a full time researcher.

Watched a great movie yesterday. "The worlds fastest Indian ". Its about a guy who sets the record for the fastest Indian motorbike. It's a lovely movie which will have you laughing and crying. The video was lent to me by Jim.He received it from the producer,whilst in New Zealand, at a conference to which he was invited. Thanks Jim.

I am not ashamed to say, I cried. For the first time in 4 -5 years (since the accident). Big tears and sobs. I suppose it was a combination of pent-up emotion, lost dreams and frustration. More about this another time...

Anyone else seen the movie?

I don't have a lot to report at the moment. I have been too busy with a project I'm doing. Sleep, when it comes, is the only escape! (OK, I exaggerate)

I spent the weekend with all 3 kids. We had gorgeous weather and spent loads of time on the new microscope.

I have a great picture which captures the 3 in character.

Very low today. I found yesterday a strain. I don't like to show my pain when my children are here and consequently I end up pushing myself too hard. I think it's days like that that make me spiral down into a pit of despair and hopelessness. I went to bed negative about my life, lay awake negative and woke up negative. I miss the care of a close friend, someone who can see when you are down, someone who picks you up when you fall. In the last 4-5 years (and especially the last 2) I have been trying to be"strong " I do a good cover up.

The lunch was OK. A bit too salty. We finished it off with a rhubarb crumble and cream.

I went to visit friends yesterday. John and Lyn live about 15 min away. Very hospitable people. I really enjoyed the time there and hope I didn't overstay my welcome!

There were a few snippets on the radio this morning (have I mentioned that I listen to the radio every morning whilst being dressed? ) anyway 2 pieces caught my attention. The first was about a chap who lost both hands and both feet due frostbite while mountaineering. When he spoke of the difficulties and the emotions I had such a mixture of feelings. I remembered the feelings of hopelessness. The bewilderment. Inevitability thoughts dwell on suicide. The long road which awaits cannot be realised or conceptualised. I have all my limbs and apart from my lower right leg, which has withered, I look normal. I can't speak freely and can't move. What have I achieved? What have I to look forward to. I can't decide what is a realistic target for my life. This chap had resumed his climbing career. And was doing well. I don't know sometimes I just find it a challenge to get up in the morning.

The second piece that caught my ear was about "Cuddle parties". Where groups gather.,without alcohol, just to talk to offer a friendly touch and open up. What can I say? The symptom of the modern lifestyle!

Tomorrow, Easter Sunday. I hope to have the kids over for Sunday roast and an Easter egg hunt.

Its Good Friday. I expect a lovely warm weekend. I would love to be out doing some planting and seed trays, but Debbie (carer)is not that way inclined so I won't frustrate myself by going outside.
I have loads of work anyway. So I really should do as much as I can.

I registered a limited company yesterday so now I can call myself Ladwig Consumer Insight Ltd . It's a bit more expensive but should be profitable to me in the long term.

I really don't feel inspired to write today and I can't keep my thoughts focused so I will try later.

Finally some pictures of the farewell I had from Unilever some friends and colleagues, some food and wine and a great time was was the result see February 18 .

Honestly, it is hard to say goodbye and even harder to move on. The blackholes caused by the dreadful impact of this injury and subsequent disability leave me bewildered and confused. A feeling of emptiness which is made worse by saying goodbye.

So thank you all for being there and supporting me. Keep in touch. I am always here. (Thanks for the photos Stuart! )

Fred and Sally sat opposite me for a time.

Fred trying to read, you forget a lot when you retire.
(note: Sally has a condescending look of disdain! )

John kindly said a few words and hoped that I would shut up.

The wine was good so I shamelessly replied to the false propaganda being broadcast by John.

The table where most drinking took place (I am told wine flowed)

Ok, you lot look too happy, you must be up to something. What was that Irene?

This was a fun table, from Teresa and Tricia's rosy cheeks and smile. Notice Jim trying to escape the photo.

Sally is obviously bored by the conversation and is caught looking around.

The three musketeers, Ian, Iain and John.

I went to watch Carmen play netball on Sunday. She has been made captain of the team and wears a C on her waistcoat/uniform (the blue team) .I understand that they are not the best team. They lost all the matches I watched. I don't care about that one bit. To see Carmen playing and the leadership she gives to the team was enough to make me burst with pride.

I think that's called barging or just healthy aggression!

C'mon legs!

Hmm nice day for a stroll

Where's the ball?

Out the way!

There have been some encouraging comments in the last few blog postings and I am grateful. I started the weekend by having beer and curry and watching a movie. Friday night!

Today I get all 3 kids and I hope we have a good time. I will take Alex through using his new microscope and let the girls loose in the kitchen. Tonight we will watch movies and have popcorn.

Tomorrow is an early start and off to watch Carmen play netball.

When you get down and there is no-one to pick you up, or even notice. When you wake up and do a full day because you are afraid of becoming so low you can't get restarted. This has been my week. A lot has happened I will try and tell you about it,but my spirit is low and I can't find myself.

I don't know where to start. I have been hoping to attend a lent course in town at a the church, in preparation for Easter. But I missed 3 due to school parent nights, illness and now my wheelchair control is broken so I have hardly moved for days.

Here's a picture.

On Saturday I was due to pick up Ruth for the remainder of the weekend. As I was ill and had awake all night my carer took the car and picked her up. We had a good day just chatting whilst I helped her bake a 2 layer cake for Alex's birthday tea the next day.

Take a look at these


Note the delicious 2 layer cake (chocolate and vanilla) with a cream filling. It was delicious. His first gift was a small magnifying system that he needed to use to read the clue to find his gift. (below) a proper microscope with video attachment.

I can't write at the moment but read this Poems and Thoughts

I have put up a basic site for my business and I will start to develop this as soon as I'm able. To take a look, try Ladwig Consumer Insight.

Any offers to help shape it please write to me.

By the way, you might be wondering what happened in my son's tests today, well he had 3 multiple-choice papers. (I call them multiple-guess and they tell you little about a child's ability) They went well but I always feel a disquiet about this type of paper so I will wait for the result. On a positive note he was the team star in a football match after the tests.

My temp PA came in today, it went OK.

The day draws to an end. The week with it.I spent the day keeping an ear and eye on Alex as he does final preparation for his tests on Monday. How blessed I am to have a 14 (almost 15) year old that listens to me and respects me as I cough and splutter as we talk about his Science.

I have bought him a microscope with computer camera for his 15th birthday on the 19th March. It will make a change from football paraphernalia but I think it's time to develop his mind.

My PA is on holiday for 2 weeks so I have a sexy little temp in for 2 hours a day. No joke, I was expecting a middle aged lady. So I was surprised. Time will tell if she is any good.

This TV show on Tuesday is for a TV program regarding a big show on Disability and rehabilitation see Naidex (in April)

The days are flying by.It's tough to work out where its going. I have this great client there has so many areas I can help with. I am definitely stressed out as I seek to deliver real world solutions to make a difference to them. I am working with an ex-girlfriend and ex-colleague. This is working well as I find the common work experience enormously positive to quicker, fluent discussion.

This weekend is for my son. I hope to fetch him tomorrow and we will work at the final preparation for his science exam.

I will be interviewed for TV on Tuesday for a show about community care.

It's really warmed up around here with 10-11 degrees. Maybe spring is on the way at last...

I have found that my blog is finding readers on every continent. Most come from Europe and U and South Africa. But I am seeing friends in America, Australia, Eastern Europe and China. Although South America is represented this is not significant. Keep coming and please make comments!

Some of you may ask how business is? A valid question to ask of a single, recently redundant, severely disabled man who is trying to setup a business. Well I have received no income, I have one client and nothing in the pipeline. Otherwise, not bad.

I would like to thank Anonymous for the feedback. To let you know its much appreciated and did mean something.

So what do you all think about the stock market jitters in the past week? Yikes, I depend on businesses that need advice. I certainly don't want to see this get worse!

In response to the last comment. I have been sick for last few days. Not enough to stay in bed but enough to make every minute a strain. You may wonder why.So did I. I was told that overall I have a 5-10% body strength which helps me to sit up etc. So in a normal day I have a constant battle against the forces of gravity which pull me down into a slumped position (which I hate). As you can imagine, slight illness can make this a huge and difficult battle.

I have had my e-mail go down for the last 5 days and I am not happy.

I spent the day with my son Alex on Sunday. We spent several hours revising some science before watching the football.

Last night I went to his school for a very poorly arranged parents teachers evening. The boy has great cognitive ability and poor scores.I don't know how to help him with his poor motivation and focus.

I would just love to do more.

What a ghastly day. Just felt yuch the whole time. Anyway found this quote and would like to hear your view.

I believe we shall come to care about people less and less. The more people one knows the easier it becomes to replace them. It's one of the curses of London.

E. M. Forster (1879-1970)

Is this the price for city living?

What about the effect of the web and virtual relationships ?

What next?

Ruth's Introduction to my Blog