Colleen(ex) just phoned she has to go into the hospital for a possible appendix op. I hope its OK. I have to pick up the kids and see to them for as long as it takes.

Who knows what suprises life is going to spring. Never take your life for granted. Predict, plan, save, prepare. All necessary and good. In reality you only have today and even that may change. Phil 4:4.

I will make my first move wrt work as I have not heard a thing from them.

I keep waking at 3am. Sometimes I can fall asleep right away other times that's it for the night. I think its a dream (that wakes me). NOT that type of dream! (I don't think? !) HA. I think its like the hospital in Germany. I used to get restless in the early morning and even though I was oblivious to the situation, I remember feeling disturbed,uncomfortable, unsettled. These feelings are similar and I guess the problems at work have kicked off the process again.

Just to have one day of normality.

If I am going to do this I have to be open and honest. Sometimes I feel like this:

I am not able to just "keep going ", "chin up". I am a tactile, loving person I don't do well in this perpetual vacuum. I try to do the "right thing ", I look after my body, I try to do the best for my kids and I give generously to their upkeep, but I am alone. Alone, I wake up at 3am ,mind spinning, heart broken and tired but restless.

I know no-one can enter this world. I know some will try. I know I am loved. I am still alone. I am afraid I will ruthlessly ,selfishly use the vulnerable hearts who try to enter. I am a man. I am a broken, wretched,dangerous man.

The ghosts of the past lifes and loves torment me. I hide safely from you all behind the mask.

I hope you can share this with me for what it is - a necessary part of the situation I am in.

I don't know what to write today. I feel like everything that was good and positive has gone away. Slippery stuff good moods. It starts with posture for me.I am basically able to maintain a positive disposition with most things, but bad posture makes me feel weak and uncomfortable. I hate the wheelchair. I hate my body.I hate the carer. That all just leads to hating myself and my life.

ughhh.

Yes I know I haven't been attending to this Blogg but "such is life".

The weekend passed.
(Well history is always easier to deal with. )
I watched Rugby all afternoon and waited to hear from Colleen and the kids. (My own attempts to get clarity on the weekend was unsuccessful so I just wait) Eventually after a difficult exchange of text messages with Carmen (her phone was faulty and I take ages to text) they arrived at about 6. Well they left as quickly as they had arrived. Carmen wanted Gemsquash and pasta. So we chatted while she prepared it.
Sunday was dominated by the expectation of Duncan's visit (a neighbour and friend to my parents) He arrived later than expected so we cancelled the planned pub lunch and instead had tea and a biscuit. Duncan (a man of strong belief and integrity) had come all the way to see me bearing gifts from my parents. I was deeply thankfull and felt really grateful.

Duncan's visit made me think....
He used the phrase about looking in the rearview mirror. I have been doing this a lot lately. I can't live in the past and I can't live for tomorrow. I can enjoy today and do the best possible.

With the problems at work I now have to get back on track. I have much to offer and exciting things I can contribute.

When your mind keeps jumping to new subjects it's difficult to concentrate fully. I find I want to do so much, time is passing and I am getting older, eek!

OK, I had a new carer start yesterday. Shaun. So back to training and a new start. It's so much effort. I have to make all the unconscious behaviours and mannerisims explicit and get back into explaining everything again. Aaaargh!

Such a busy week. I have not had time to relax and think.On Monday I opened a bottle of KWV Cabernet Savignon 1998. Wow!It was so good I had to drink 3/4 .Well, you can't not! ? So tonight another night of training.

This afternoon I am hoping the heating engineer will come by. I have the gas on continuous and it's still cold.

I go for my normal morning coffee at 11. Every day, my P.A, carer and I, stop at 11 for a break or a cookie. I try not to overdo it but sometimes a nice cookie is required.

Yesterday I went to Stoke Mandeville Hospital for a check up. A long day, as I got back at 7.30 pm. Nothing to report. I'm doing well, small improvements, I have to go back for a bladder test (standard proceedure) and I may need to schedule some extra stay for physio (4-6 weeks) .

I am reviewing a paper for the Journal "Food Quality and Preference " on Emotional effects on food choice. Interesting. Now I must crack on.

Carvery Lunch with Alan, Simon (son), Laura (S girlfriend)with Lewis + Me








Alan's boat and surrounding.

I am trying to review a paper on emotional effects on food consumption. Hard work and my mind keeps wandering.

I'm off to Stoke Mandeville tomorrow for a check up. I should be quick and given time will visit some people.

Cold, sunny day. Freezing -5 deg at night up to 6 deg in day.

Off to see Alan for lunch. He has a barge/ house boat parked up at Buckden Marina.

I will write when I get a chance

So it's Saturday. Thanks all of you for your letters and wishes.

This Blogg is a mixture of journal and open discussion. So interaction is great. Please post your comments on the site (unless of course they are private).

I went in to work see a few people yesterday. I still have some good friends there. On the way back popped in to the supermarket for supplies.

How's this for an absolutely lovely dinner.
Fried Chicken breast in garlic and peri-peri.
Served on a bed of shredded fresh lettuce dressed with garlic olive oil, lemon juice and Salt and pepper.

hmmmm delicious
as a variation add a few spoons of parmessan cheese to dressing.

Hey, Heidi. Thanks for the texts and I am glad the exams went well.

I plan to watch rugby now. 3 games on. England v NZ, Ireland v Australia, Wales v SA. The England match not televised on normal national TV. (Why do they do do this? )

I need to start thinking about new careers.Any ideas?

I would have slept OK last night but the heating programmer failed again (on all the time). So I woke up Partha (carer) and turned it off.

I have received some warm words in response to the last post. Heidi thanks, and I love you too. I thank you all. Of course I am trying to work out what I do next. I have to work this out with the guys at work first and get a bit more understanding of the situation. I would like some advice from an employment expert and I do need to tread very carefully.

I have been enlightened to something I was not aware of. (Thanks to John). I have tended towards writing newsletters when I am going or have been through a bad patch. The result is I appear depressed sad and lonely. I am none of these. I have found writing a form of release, so sorry about the "downers "!I I am a positive bloke but I do have my bad times.

For Rodney and Dad, just to let you know the NiCd battery in the inner front door failed and I showed Partha how to change. So hopefully it will be OK.

I am going to install an alternative energy saving device soon. I am looking at a wind generator and photo voltaic (PV). If anybody has any information on this I would appreciate it.

Yesterday did not yield a big surprise. It seems I don't fit in to the new organisation. So I am not required. Well clearly I have a lot to think about, yet it all just feels like a dream. Surreal. Zombie like.

I slept OK till about 4.I woke up and listened to the cricket. (England v Pakistan), slept again at 5-6.I still start my day at 6.30 am. I guess its not a good idea to change too much. Routine is all I have.

The events of yesterday are a fact now.

Well I just have a moment.

Yesterday was spent with Ruth. We had a great time. She chats incessantly and is so sweet. She first made herself some maize porridge. (I found a supplier for maize meal) The kids love it especially when I do the traditional maize dishes ("pap").

After breakfast we created 2 compilations of her favourite songs and went for Tea and lunch at a local lake, Grafham Water. It was fun and I think she is a very capable 9 year old.

Today is cold and bright. Our first frost.

I look forward to getting on after tomorrow as I hate being at a loose-end.

Hmmmm Saturday, nice sunny day but temperature 10 C.In my current situation a bit too cold as my body just gets tense.

I have been helping Alex with chemistry and it's so fascinating. I took a look at the periodic table and remembered my fascination with the beauty of it. So now I have recorded a series from the BBC for him to listen to.

I enjoyed the movie last night but I find any movie, story or picture with strong emotional content (love, caring, commitment, etc.)is leading to a rise of deep, buried, pain. It just never comes out. I don't know, maybe I am just not ready to let go. I am an expressive open person,unafraid of my emotion yet whatever it is just aches but never emerges. I don't know how long I can do this, I need to let this out.

So today England play Argentina. It should be a good distraction.

Tonight is Ruth's sleep over so we should have fun.

A busy day today. I did 3 interviews for carers (I expect to lose a carer end of November). I hope the choices I made are OK.

After lunch a saleman from an adaption agency came over to talk about the shower chair changes.

I just have a few minutes to reflect....

Today is 11/11 - Rememberance Day. I don't think we (humans) are any good at remembering. The day has a dual function. To Remember the Sacrifice made for our freedom and to learn not to have war again. "The War to end all wars" WW1 was described. Oh Dear! We keep doing it. Is it really a last resort?Well Iraq didn't feel like that.

This is an important day for Linda, a bit of an enthusiastic reader of all things to do with WW1. I hope she had a good day. I will never forget the rows of White Crosses that tell a story, each one. A life ended.

I slept poorly for the 3rd night. Oh well, I can sleep when I am dead.

Tonight I would like to see a movie. Heard of "THE CONSTANT GARDENER"? Seen it? If I get to see it I will tell you about it, tomorrow.

Till later....

I have changed the title for this blogg. Any comments?

I felt the world I live in has been so rearranged that I have little choice but adapt to it. Being suddenly confronted with near death then paralysis, not speaking for months (still struggling with speech), divorce and then my new partner (a light in my life) and I split up, finally all I have left from the old life is my work and my kids (see picture 2nd November). For work I have tried to be diligent and to prepare my lifestyle, facilities and situation to give the best I can. I have a strong sense that this is all about to change.

I cannot see the lesson or the meaning behind it all. A world so restricted and so prescribed does result in apathy and despair. I know I can give up at any stage, I just can't be that way. I have to see where this road goes.

No computer today. So I have a few minutes (now that it's back).

Yesterday did not go well and a sense of foreboding has developed.About 6 weeks ago I felt a sadness so real, as if someone had died. I never got relief. I am increasingly convinced the answer will come next Tuesday. I will keep hoping and be vigilant.

I have more time tomorrow to write.
GNight

I am off to the office now for a meeting with personnel. I hope its fruitfull.

I wonder if I should be honest and air my concerns or whether I should be passive and just listen? I talk too much anyway. I think I will listen and ask questions.

I should also test the fuel tank but it takes a lot of cash to fill so I will wait.

OK - off to work!

Shatterred Dreams

My life is a mess.Littered with mistakes and useless dreams. The best relationships in my life, are the ones that don't depend on me.Talk about being afraid of commitment, I am so afraid to let others down, I keep everyone nicely seperate from the clutter. I am so sure that I will see them all dissolve away, like cats during fireworks. Never have I been insecure or dependent, now I am so sure of the importance of being "strong" even to fail to return a call or reciprocate any action. Is this any good for me?I don't know it's too ingrained now and anyway I can't test it because I think it's true.

I am at my home office desk it's just finished lunch. I don't eat lunch so I used the time to prepare my Christmas list for the kids.

This morning my car went in to have the fuel tank repaired. I also had a visit from some guys to do with renovation to my bathroom and hoist.I might be able to get a hoist to allow me to start walking!

Well back to work.

Ciao

A bird on a bike

Ahhh, its Sunday. I don't get as much pleasure from these days as I used to. It's not really great to have to wait for someone to get you out of bed. Kind of puts a real damper on getting up late and crawling to the kitchen for bacon and egg with coffee. So on this cold,wet day, I am here writing this boring blogg!

Today is the last race of the MotoGP season. Its now a race for 2nd spot.My hero, Sete Gibernau is out of the running. Melandri is looking promising as a rider ,having watched him for years I have always admired his tenacity. Of course Valentino will be in but it seems he crashed during qualifying and doesn't appear on the grid.

Talking about crashes.Here's a pic of my bike after the crash that left me paralysed.

Of course the best thing about bikes is, the BIRDS. Well here's a pic of a bird on a bike.

I am struggling today. Everything happens at the same time. There are days I just want a break from it all.

I cannot get to grips with this food thing (something I have been thinking about lately). Does "health food " have to be seeds,veg,fruit etc, or can you buy it in a packet? May find a blog about this, or start one!

So tonight fireworks for the kids and then weekend!

Ha! forgot to post it!

Out to my office today. Had a productive day. On the way home, checked out a pub for access (for my wheelchair) they were keen to talk, as they planned to build a ramp. Partha likes the Recycling depot so we stopped over on the way back. I wanted some old plates (to use for pot plant saucers and we bought some old pots as. I hate waste and our modern society is so bad. It sickens me at what I see. Our waste will haunt us in the end. Anyway, I bought a set of plates (8) and 4 pots for £2.Not bad if you think that I just bought a plastic pot plant saucer for £1.75!

I hope there are people out there who are changing the way they do things and wasting less.

I had some new ideas I want to pursue.
Is a healthy diet always fresh food?
Have people started to buy more fresh food?
What is the reason we don't eat more fresh food?

I will start to look into this tomorrow.

Alex, Carmen and "flying" Ruth in the back garden. Springtime.

Day 2

Day 2 of this blogg and I hope I can keep it going.

I watched football last night Liverpool won 3-0. It made me feel better and helped me on the way to a better nights sleep. I haven't been sleeping so well and I need to rest.

I have a matter of enormous importance and effect on me,which is looming and I can't bring myself to thinking clearly and constructively about it. So I avoid it and I guess the subconscious picks it up in my sleep.

Also, I am in a real relationship dilemma and this keeps surfacing in my sleep. My divorce and subsequent break up with the woman I loved has left me afraid of any emotional involvement. Now I guess you may think I am over playing this but, Hey, just you try to be a dependent paralysed and very damaged individual, self-esteem goes out the window and you are left with a cynical, sensitive lump.

Yesterday I bought some fireworks and thought I could have some fun when my kids come over. I just love their faces when they see them!

A little later...

Just had a cup of coffee and some of my mom's fruit cake. My parents were here in July and August and left me with a few little reminders... They live South Africa and it is not easy to just pop over.

I have things to do, till later...

Life Now, new beginning

Life Now

This is a real scary experience for me. I'm not good at talking about myself. Anyway, my life is fairly dull (event wise) but perhaps the stuff I am going through will help some and hopefully me.

You see, 3 years ago I was OK, but an accident at Nuerbergring in Germany has left me paralysed from the neck down with impaired speech. Now, I live on my own with my memories and my work (more about work later) .I have to have a 24hr carer so I guess technically I am not "alone".

I hope I can keep this up and I hope in some twisted way you will appreciate the life you have and take pleasure from doing the really normal stuff.
For me, I want to to purge my mind of useless frustration and deprivation.

Now, I use an adapted computer which allows me to type without hands (I will explain later) The point about this is, it's slooooow. So don't expect long rambling bloggs I specialize in "short and sweet" communication .

I will try to maintain a weekly minimum activity posting.
Julius signing out