If I am going to do this I have to be open and honest. Sometimes I feel like this:

I am not able to just "keep going ", "chin up". I am a tactile, loving person I don't do well in this perpetual vacuum. I try to do the "right thing ", I look after my body, I try to do the best for my kids and I give generously to their upkeep, but I am alone. Alone, I wake up at 3am ,mind spinning, heart broken and tired but restless.

I know no-one can enter this world. I know some will try. I know I am loved. I am still alone. I am afraid I will ruthlessly ,selfishly use the vulnerable hearts who try to enter. I am a man. I am a broken, wretched,dangerous man.

The ghosts of the past lifes and loves torment me. I hide safely from you all behind the mask.

I hope you can share this with me for what it is - a necessary part of the situation I am in.