All my friends, family and readers of this blog.

I wish you all an enjoyable and blessed Christmas.

I sat at the table and waited. When they arrived I could feel the tension. I never found an opportunity to talk. Each had plans that didn't include me.

Before long she returned to fetch them. Walking through the doorway a face like thunder. Venom dripped from the vicious words. Hearts and minds paralysed with confusion and fear I watched their dazed walk.

In the silence that remained I reflected.
Selfishness and self pity
Destructive and mean I thought.

Yes I know it's crazy, 2 posts to the blog in 2 days. It is not often that I might feel proud but my children make me enormously proud and last night was no exception. They were part of a production of "Mulan " being staged by the drama club that they attend on weekends. Having a role in a play is privelage enough, but my daughters each had a significant part. Ruth was a soldier in the emperors army and Carmen played a leading role as Mulan.

They worked hard and Ruth supported her sister throughout the lead up to last night. She is very dedicated and serious about performing. As the lead lady Carmen appeared in virtually every scene, she had loads to remember and sing. There were some real tear jerking solos and some lovely group scenes.

I include some pictures.

I don't know if anyone reads these or whether you are just passing. Writing these was a way for me to come to terms with the massive mistakes I have made and the tragic circumstances of my now one dimensional life. I am changing and some of the change is not good.

I think I under-estimated the size of the challenge and the length of sheer repetitive lonely times. Heck,I am not complaining or bemoaning my situation, I wonder if I can keep it up and sustain the dignity and respect my fragile ego needs to survive.

Some of the changes I have noticed. Impatience, short temper and deep extreme loneliness . They may be considered acceptable and even expected. I consider them dangerous to my well being. Mainly because of the effect on my state of mind and motivation.

I have used the internet to keep in touch with friends and family, it help, but it can't beat a phone call or a big hug. (Anyway as a virtual medium its virtually useless for anything important)

So I was sent a recipe for German cookies by Milada in Germany (see earlier note) and I will try these soon. If you would like to I have included it:

Vanillekipferl

Small Crescent-shaped Rolls with Vanilla

Zutaten/Ingredients:

200 g Mehl/flour

50 g Zucker/sugar

3 Päckchen Vanillezucker oder/packets of vanilla-sugar or

1/2 ausgeschabte Vanilleschote/scraped vanilla pod

80 g geschälte, geriebene Mandeln/skined sharped almonds

150 g Butter/butter

Vanillezucker mit Puderzucker gemischt zum Wälzen/vanilla-sugar mixed with powder sugar to coat with when ready at the end

I take always a double amount of the ingredients!!! That means you should take 400 g flour etc. as well...

But I remain by 3 packets of vanilla-sugar, only. Or 1 scraped vanilla pod, if I have it. Because you have to coat the ready small rolls with vanilla-sugar mixed with powder sugar at the end anyway. Otherwise it would be too much of vanilla, I suppose.

I take also mostly sharped walnuts instead of skined sharped almonds. I like it with walnuts. But you can take any sharped nuts.

- I make the butter warm. You can work better with it, if it is liquid. But it shouldn´t cook, of course.

- I put everything in a bowl and knead it well together.

- the dough should rest for about a quarter of hour in a cold place

- you knead the dough again and make several pieces of it

- you roll out each piece and cut it in small pieces and roll each small piece on the table and form it into

a small crescent-shaped roll, the ends should be shaped

(but they can be round as well, everyone can decide how to do it, of course - anyway, somebody makes

them 3 centimetes large, somebody likes them larger - I make 3-4 cm)

- you put it on the backing tray, you don´t make the tray fatty (you have enough fatt in the dough)

- you prepare all the backing trays before you start to bake!!!

- you make the heater on about 190 °C (I make 180 - it depends, you have to take care!)

- you bake about 10 minutes (you can try, otherwise they are ready when they begin to smell wonderful!)

- you take a deep plate and put in it vanilla-suger mixed with powder sugar

- when the Vanillekipfer are ready, you start to coat them with the mixed sugar

Good chance!

Yours Milada and Alexander

OK, I'm back.

I don't know what to tell you. My day to day existence is pretty boring by most accounts. I have learned that I need to do as much as I can to maintain sanity. I need very little to be happy. Company, conversation, stimulating challenge and good wine. It is too hard to be alone on top of the hardships and sheer repetitive existence demanded by this disability.

So the SA Rugby team has maintained some form after the world cup. The match against Wales was scrappy but I never felt concerned and neither did this world champions, SA, make me feel that they were playing their best.

John B and John F came over for beer and videos on Friday night. We watched Mel Gibsons Apocalypto. Don't bother, a waste of 3 hours. About a tribe in the Amazon and the expanding Mayan dynasty that seeks blood sacrifice. Lots of forest, blood, violence and subtitles, 'nuff said.

Tonight my friend John comes over with his son to watch a movie. This should be better, Tell no One" (French) . I have seen it twice.

Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more,

It's a warm 9 degrees out there. Cold wind and cloud don't help. My day so far has been doing research for something to help Alex. Whilst thinking about Alex, he phoned me last night to tell me that he received an A grade for his math class work. This is a good sign he is beginning to take school seriously.

I see the sun is shining. Well it's still chilly and windy.

This week we went to a trade show in London called Insight. I picked up some new ideas and decided that the word "insight "is over used and we will need to change the company name. We couldn't spend enough time there due to the traffic (over 6 hrs round trip !)

Coffee time, catch you later.

I have not written for a long time. Most will not notice but I feel I should apologise if you have been a regular visitor.

I will briefly update on the last few weeks as I remember the events.

Well as my birthday was a low time ito of my health I don't remember too many details. I had a visit from Linda and my neighbours , John and Linda. My children and Colleen arrived back on the Saturday and came over to wish me a happy birthday. That's about the extent of my recall for the week, thanks to any who phoned or sent messages.

It has been a very cold past few weeks. Autumn was slow to arrive but now makes every effort to to catch up. From my office window I gaze onto the Lime trees, along the garden fence, and watch how the leaves tumble and twist as they release their hold and fall silently to the waiting earth. The ground yellow with a winter blanket.

It is the final day of my antibiotics for a mild infection which just wouldn't shift. I hope this works because I have been struggling with it for weeks. I could do with some South African sun!

What a horrible day so far! Hopefully it will improve.

Started waking up from 2 hrs sleep as I spent the the night trying to cough the last remnant of flu from my lungs. So I listened to the radio and coughed.

New carer, Fundi had her first day solo and it took over 4 hrs. The strain was to be kind and polite whilst feeling like a bear with a sore head.

Thanks to all for the lovely birthday wishes.

So this morning I was doing the physio routine (I ask my carers to give my limbs a stretch every day) and I realised that because of my position at the time I was able to touch my face. I was able to touch the skin with my fingertips. So what you will ask? Well for 5 years I haven't felt skin on my fingertips. They are softer and more sensitive. I could feel the slightest texture change. From the hair on my cheeks to the dry skin on my nose.Wow.


I enjoyed the rugby and seeing SA as world champions. When we won the 1995 RWC I was on business in London so I watched inside a pub near Leicester Square. Who could predict that the next time we would win, I would be in a wheelchair, paralysed below my neck.

I don't know what tomorrow will bring but I still have a carer to train this week so I expect time will be limited.

I have been wanting to regain my enthusiasm and strength to work at the challenges of the life I have now but I have struggled lately. I have to keep myself from descending too far. I believe it will be too tough to get going again.

This past week has been a combination of bad flu work and training new carers. It was a long morning routine with Henry (trainee) doing his first session on his own. It took 3 hrs today and it should get better (hopefully) .

I have a picture here of a great puppy here. Alan has decided to keep a dog. He bought a Patterdale terrier. Take a look at these pictures

SMIFFY

I promised you an update and an update you shall have. I had friends over from Germany and they stayed till yesterday. I had a great time and I think they did too.

Milada visited me at the time of my accident in Germany. She had a house near the hospital in. Linda stayed with her for several weeks whilst visiting me in the hospital each day. She had lost her husband some time before and has a son Alexander, who coincidently looks remarkably similar to my son by the same name.

I picked them up from Stansted Airport and we returned home and my children arrived some time later. Unfortunately my children only stayed one night but in this time they got to know each other and enjoyed the time.

The weekend is over and after the fire incident we have sort of recovered. I bought 4 more fire extinguishers now that I realise how rapidly a fire can take hold and spread. I have also bought a fire blanket as powder extinguishers are short lived. I will keep this in the kitchen with a powder extinguisher.

As someone who has always been a bit sceptical about the need for a fire extinguisher in a domestic setting, I have now completely changed my view. After seeing the rapidity that the fire took I realise that a few more seconds would have been disastrous.

I was going to use this update to tell you all about my weekend with a friend and her son ,out here on a visit from Germany. Unfortunately I have been interrupted so often I just haven't the time.

I'll be back...

Fire Fire FIRE! !

How do I begin?

There I was just finishing my eleven's (cup of coffee and a biscuit) and going through work with Linda when Sharon, who is working behind me, asks "Should that iron be smoking? " Referring to the iron in my bedroom, where Ellie was busy with some ironing. Ellie had left the iron while she popped to her room to do something.

Linda looked up from what we were working on to go and have a look. In the next moment a flame developed. Linda was shouting for Ellie while smoke filled the room and the fire alarm went off. Rushing back to me as Ellie arrived she breathlessly asked "Do you have a fire extinguisher? "

Sitting helplessly in my wheelchair with my hand off the control, I replied with directions to the device which I bought a few months earlier, thinking I would never use it. Extinguisher in hand made her way back to the scene as smell and noise filled the house.

By this stage Ellie had unplugged the offending device which promptly fell to the floor and continued burning. Using the extinguisher Ellie smothered the rebellious spirit of the shamed iron with blue powder.

Picking up the pieces by intact cord, Ellie finished it off outside.

We were left with smoke and noise and a sense that we were saved by quick thinking and 2kg of blue powder.

Damage: Charred Iron
Burnt Floor
depleted fire extinguisher
Smoke smell

The dejected device

On Wednesday John and Linda came over and I hosted them for dinner. The menu:

• Greek Salad
• Roast Chicken with pork, sage,and corn stuffing.
• Roast carrots seasoned with thyme.
• Roast potatoe
• fresh green beans
• Linda brought a Pavlova with mango and syrup and ginger
• All accompanied with good wine

John had his birthday on Thursday and Debbie on Wednesday. So we enjoyed the occasion.

Last night went to John B for dinner and we enjoyed good roast vegetables and a Tuna kedgeree.
What a great meal!

It's getting cold now as Autumn draws in.Even though it's sunny its cold.

I missed the kids this weekend. With Carmen and Ruth performing in Mulan and Alex's football I can't keep in touch with them.

Even though I have been busy, I still find the loneliness and solitude very difficult. My heart carries the pressure and pain of the hurts and dreams and hopes that can't be shared.

Where has all the fun gone?

I couldn't sleep last night I was concerned about an incident of extreme selfishness. I went to watch my son play football. The team he trains with played a match. So we get all geared up. He adores football and will do anything to play. He played well the week before and was expecting to play. I don't get to be with Alex like I used to and wanted to watch him.

The match started with Alex as a substitute from there it just got worse. Everyone else was given a part but the coach didn't want to "break the flow " in the team while they were winning. I was disgusted. The competitiveness and the obvious favouritism broke my heart. Why do parents bring selfish ambition to a schoolboy game and lose the main objective which is to take part?

Alex full of expectation.

I thought it was time to have an update on the garden. I have given a few details about each.

View from deck toward the back. In front flowers along the deck.Herb garden to the left followed by strawberries and herbs.

Poets Place.

Strawberries and herbs.

Herbs.

Cabbages at the back of the garden.

Squash!

Runner Beans right at the back.

I never really finished my post on Monday. I was interrupted by the doorbell. It was my friend John. We had some tea and a long talk. Poor chap is suffering with stress and just needs to talk and I can't do much, so I listen.

I was going to write about the few weeks I spent here with my mother and brother. We had 2-3 weeks together. There was an overlap with my kids, when they spent a few days here. This was a very busy time and we have never all been together for such a long time. The really enjoyed themselves and I felt they bonded well with the family.

So I have never really recovered from the time of frenzy! Now I have to focus every moment on my business future or I just won't recover my momentum.

I feel very afraid. I am not sure I can do this. I need such different characteristics to the diy mentality I currently try to work with.

I have 3 business ideas I am toying with, the current consultancy, a small consumer product, and a business with disabled people to offer business advice, and products for disability living.

Sometimes you start without where you are headed. You don't know what you are doing but it is too late to think about it as you find yourself staring at the computer screen. Sounds like this might be such a time.

The Radio on Friday morning had a piece on a a Journal entry in the latest Lancet. This was about the link between mental health and other medical problems. I wrote about the importance of mental health about 18 months ago, to our research director. No success and I am gratified to see its back.

A busy at emotional few weeks have passed. My updates have stopped and in some way so have I. I will not describe to you all I have been through. It has been a time of happiness and a time of sadness. My heart is heavy. I will tell you some news.

3 weeks ago my mom came from SA for a visit, a week later my brother arrived to help me with a few jobs. They left on Thursday the 30th August and I have an empty house again. We had many things to achieve. My family are an important support for me. Helping me to get things done that I need to achieve but can't find appropriate people. Rodney is an excellent craftsman and electronic engineer. My mom helps me to think through problems and to organise my stuff. Mom also left me with 3 large tins of biscuits and rusks.

So I should be happy. Instead I am sad. My house is empty again. I feel empty.

Summer at last! We have at this late stage of the year begun to have warm days and nights. With England being so strongly influenced by the Gulf Stream (high level wind which drags humid Atlantic air toward us) we have experience the most wide spread floods in hundreds of years. So some warm dry weather is most welcome.

I am grappling with many difficulties accompanying trying to run a successful business, keep a fully functioning home and fit in day to day activities. Sometime ago now I realised 2 things:

• if you want something done properly you have to be involved.
• I can only do one thing at a time.

I have reduced my meals to one a day to save time. Unfortunately meal preparation still requires supervision.

I am not sure how to move from where the business is now to the next level. I need at least 1 further researcher to take on projects. This will require a very careful selection but how do I find candidates?

This week was supposed to be a quiet week. Presentation was postponed from Monday to next week. So instead of a relaxing finish to the project we are busy with infinitesimal changes.

My aunt passed away this week and it was kind of expected. It's still a shock being just a few days after her mom, my gran.

With all the sadness of this week some more bad news from a friend (on Wednesday) was enough to put me into a somber frame of mind. Relationships are complex and difficult to repair. The news that he brought me was despairingly painful. I failed to offer any comforting words felt so useless as a friend.

I watched Blood Diamond that night and was blown away by the sadness and shameful greed in Africa. de Caprio gave a convincing performance and I was very impressed with his portrayal of a Zimbabwean. A great movie but don't watch it alone.

Gordon Brown is so obtuse how can you ever get a straight answer from him? I have heard him interviewed several times over the years and he never answers the question if it's tricky. He sidesteps the issue and deals with some other point.

eg
interviewer: People are concerned about x what are you doing about it?
GB: Well I think this is related to y (and then proceeds to babble on about how they are implementing a program in y)

No doubt he is intelligent but he is an intellectual bully and very unfulfilling to listen to.

I am sat here and I know I have things to write about but my mind is a bit frazzled by my work. The constant news about the floods and even more rain on its way, isn't helping with diversifying my stimulation. This is a difficult place, if I could go for a run that might help. This stage isn't helped by some of the other frustrations that are ever present.

So without giving vent to them here, I will sign off and try to channel my mind toward work!

So here are some pictures of the latest developments.

We start at the top looking down.
Brocolli, Kale and Cabbage just as Dad planted them.

My apple tree.

Runner beans.

The view from the deck toward the top.

In the picture (above) I am enjoying the view of my herb garden and the colourful flower bed which reminds me of my mother who will probably know the name of each shrub.

As I sit here this evening England is experiencing more floods and rain.I look back on a week of struggle and hard work. Went to see my client yesterday and had arranged to have a meeting with the UK business head to deliver some pretty messages. Struggling with posture and voice I tried to deliver a clear message. I can't say it was done well but it's done!

On Monday we went to London for the start of our last 3 groups. Linda stayed over in the hotel where we held the groups. What a posh but friendly place. The groups went well and our work quality is really top of the class!

This morning my mobile had a voicemail and I knew it was bad news. I didn't have the strength to open it by myself but when Linda arrived she heard the beep and helped me. The news was of my granny's passing the night before.

It was like a curtain fell and the dark loneliness of my isolation suddenly was staring me in the eyes. I felt the loss of every motionless nerve fibre that once obeyed my thoughts and responded to my emotion all endured in the 6 years of this wheelchair. The inability to be with the people so much a part of me. I wept and couldn't stop. I'm sorry Gran, sorry I haven't been able to see you in the last few years.

Week passed was so busy.The first 3 nights went on till late followed by an hour to get home. So 3 late nights and a full days work after each. No problem before my accident but now I can't do it without exhausting myself. The groups went well and Linda's exceptional skill at getting people to open up and excellent grasp of the project meant we had some great feedback!

I am pleased with the progress the business is making I feel we could be doing more and I would like to get another researcher to work with us.

The garden is looking so full of life. Flowers are opening all over. The vegetables are also looking great. Every journey I make around the garden reminds me of my father. He has become part of everything here. I find this knowledge to be quite comforting.

This week is set to be very busy and I better start preparing.

Made contact with Cathy recently. Cathy worked with me in Unilever as a product developer and later a marketing manager. So good to be in touch again. Cathy came to me through a network system that I use called LinkedIn (see the link for my profile). Many Unilever people are now members. Another product I use is called Ecademy , I find this delivers a different type of "feel " and is better for making a wide range of contacts.

Weekend over now. I have just dropped off the kids , came back and started to work. I finished a few things and now doing my blog, which I miss dearly.

I don't know if you wonder why I don't just do it when I have a "spare moment "? Well paralysis is cruel enough, in that, you can't do any activity like eating, washing etc. yourself. So writing this blog requires me to stop what I am doing, get setup, and then I can be alone with my thoughts while I use the computer adaptions to allow me type. It's slow. Painfully slow but I do it! Surprisingly this is a very important part of my make-up and strive to be independent.

I don't have a financial fallback. I have earned my keep all my life and I don't see any reason to change this. I have "cut my cloth"accordingly. I have a strict budget and I take pride in being frugal! I see waste as a "sin" against the earth which provides so abundantly. (This is quite an interesting way to look at every aspect of your life. It forces you to think about everything you might throw away. I say things like,"the plant worked hard to make that think before you throw it away! ")

I wanted to update my poetry blog with the strong emotions I have been having so I will sign off and have a go.

Anyone living in England, in the last few weeks, will be aware of the relentless rain. Many people have been rudely displaced from their homes. Pushed aside by the risking flood,invading their lives. As they rebuild their homes let us spare them a thought instead of complaining about Wimbledon delays or more overcast days!

I sit at my desk today, listening to music and contemplating the day ahead. Went over for dinner to my friend and colleague, Linda and she prepared a fantastic tuna steak dinner. We got to talking about the project we are busy doing. I think we will both breathe easier when it's over.

Today I have all the kids for the night I look forward to seeing them.

So back to the week passed. A busy week. Alex had a maths exam on the Wednesday and Physics and Biology on the Monday. I revised the sciences and his mother (a Maths Teacher) did maths. I believe the Monday Science exams went ok but maths had a few bits he wasn't sure of. I hope that the results are good!

Carmen was given honoured at a recent netball gathering in Sharnbrook. She received an award for The Best Player of the Year, The Most Sporting Player of the Year and a personal medal for a tournament her team won earlier. As Captain of the team, other parents were full of praise for her positive effect on their daughter. This from a player who was "not good enough" according to one of her coaches.

I have now said goodbye to my dad after 6 weeks. I dropped him off at the airport on Wednesday and after a long, tiresome journey he is now back home. He is already missed by everyone who got to know him here.

I have not updated you all on some of the developments in my life for so long now that I can't fill in all the gaps. I find my time very limited now as I work on my own business. I am struggling to find time to keep up with all the business paperwork.

I have to constantly face things I can't do. This is a great area of danger and has the potential to take me off track. I must always remind myself not to let myself be drawn into depression about this and instead do the aspects I can.

I hope that there is still a group of people that read and will comment and encourage for time to time. It makes the load a lot lighter!

Well a quick post of the latest developments on my back garden.

Some recent scenes of progress in the Garden department. As you can see loads of vegetable space! My dad has worked really hard whilst I have been stuck in the office with project work!

Being told about your children's achievements leaves one bursting with pride and satisfaction. If I had known this perhaps I would have tried harder at school, mmmm, maybe not, I was never that ambitious.

I want my kids to be happy in their skins ,to be well adjusted and to accept who they are.

I have recently had some good news about Alex and Carmen and I never realised what a powerful effect this was. I never like to place "expected achievements " for my kids to attain. I always felt they should enjoy their childhood, do their best in all things and discover who they are. Well when Alex told me recently about an A in maths and full colours for football, followed by Carmen's news today that her netball team won a shield at a tournament; I began bursting with pride. I know why now.

I felt proud and satisfied because of one important fact. It has not been easy for either of them. Alex has had to persevere with football without a father's day to day encouragement and the occasional kick about. For maths, his quiet disposition means he is virtually ignored, in class by teachers .So his achievement here is a credit to his wonderful persevering character.
Carmen has had to fight for a chance to play netball. Against, disdain and selfish behaviour from the better off kids she persevered to make the 3rd team. She continued to be committed and became team captain. At this point she led the team by example and I often overheard other parents remarking about her exceptional playing.

So their achievements have not been easily attained, but through hard work, perseverance and character. That's why I'm proud!

If you have given up on me, I won't forgive you. You can't expect me to update you all on my life, when you never tell me about yours! I say this a smile and a cheeky wink,but in truth I take this blog as a serious exercise. I want to lay bare some of the advantages and difficulties of a disabled life. Yes I believe there are some advantages. Many relate to my new view on things.

When I decided I was going to take the challenge on I had to do so wholeheartedly. You realise now that I was so distraught to find myself so absolutely helpless, unable to speak and move it is hardly surprising I had thoughts of suicide. I still do but now they are more academic and not a lingering obsession.

When you take a challenge like this on, the cold reality of the massive commitment and dedication required are certainly not apparent. My only thoughts were about not giving up. So I began to use the ability I have to be stubborn in a creative way. For example: If I couldn't solve a physical problem I would exhaust my knowledge of the properties of matter and physics trying to find alternatives my limited mobility might succeed in. If this failed I reached inside for the optimist and used the situation to see some aspect that was funny.

Of course if I knew then, what I know now, I may have shrunk away. Therein is the lesson, the longest and most difficult journey begins with the first step and the unwavering effort of putting 1 step in front of the other.


On a lighter note I had Carmen and Alex on Friday evening. Ruth and Carmen on Saturday and netball tournament with Carmen today . She received her second certificate for player of the week. She is a star! Showing real leadership and displaying all the self-doubt and humility of good leadership. I'm so proud of her!

It has been a week since I last sat down to complete an update to my blog. There are several reasons for this. I can obviously point out that I'm busy, and I have been training a new carer. Interesting enough this may be, but I worry that this alone does not account for my poor diligence in respect to my blog. There is a further dimension. It may explain this and more. My emotional energy generator is running slow. This is essential for all of us to function, more so for disabled people. It is not something inherent in ones character but it's like a fruit tree. A tree that gives much fruit requires much attention and the right food. This may be a factor, I don't know anymore. I just do my best, one day at a time.

Friday was a good day and after a hard few days preparing for a meeting, the meeting went ever so well. Linda, my pa, had been ill all week and off colour on Thursday. I needed her experience and skill with market research to do this project so as I prepared to do the meeting with or without assistance I was relieved when she arrived and it was a totally successful day.

On Friday night I picked up Alex and Carmen and Colleen dropped Ruth off after her performing arts school lessons, at 6:30 the next day.

Today was an early start as we took Carmen to her Netball tournament. Tried to find a nice cafe for lunch afterwards but failed and ended up in Sainsbury's restaurant. Carmen's team won the first match 13-0 and promplty lost the second 1-15. Oh well!

It was a lovely warm weekend. I spent the time enjoying the warm weather and yesterday had a bbq with a few friends.

I have been very busy doing a project for a client and don't have much spare time any more. At least I'm busy! I so wish I could read and scribble notes! I have difficulty jotting down impromptu thoughts and ideas so consequently productivity is not good. I have taken on some specialised work and need to recruit a full time researcher.

Watched a great movie yesterday. "The worlds fastest Indian ". Its about a guy who sets the record for the fastest Indian motorbike. It's a lovely movie which will have you laughing and crying. The video was lent to me by Jim.He received it from the producer,whilst in New Zealand, at a conference to which he was invited. Thanks Jim.

I am not ashamed to say, I cried. For the first time in 4 -5 years (since the accident). Big tears and sobs. I suppose it was a combination of pent-up emotion, lost dreams and frustration. More about this another time...

Anyone else seen the movie?

I don't have a lot to report at the moment. I have been too busy with a project I'm doing. Sleep, when it comes, is the only escape! (OK, I exaggerate)

I spent the weekend with all 3 kids. We had gorgeous weather and spent loads of time on the new microscope.

I have a great picture which captures the 3 in character.

Very low today. I found yesterday a strain. I don't like to show my pain when my children are here and consequently I end up pushing myself too hard. I think it's days like that that make me spiral down into a pit of despair and hopelessness. I went to bed negative about my life, lay awake negative and woke up negative. I miss the care of a close friend, someone who can see when you are down, someone who picks you up when you fall. In the last 4-5 years (and especially the last 2) I have been trying to be"strong " I do a good cover up.

The lunch was OK. A bit too salty. We finished it off with a rhubarb crumble and cream.

I went to visit friends yesterday. John and Lyn live about 15 min away. Very hospitable people. I really enjoyed the time there and hope I didn't overstay my welcome!

There were a few snippets on the radio this morning (have I mentioned that I listen to the radio every morning whilst being dressed? ) anyway 2 pieces caught my attention. The first was about a chap who lost both hands and both feet due frostbite while mountaineering. When he spoke of the difficulties and the emotions I had such a mixture of feelings. I remembered the feelings of hopelessness. The bewilderment. Inevitability thoughts dwell on suicide. The long road which awaits cannot be realised or conceptualised. I have all my limbs and apart from my lower right leg, which has withered, I look normal. I can't speak freely and can't move. What have I achieved? What have I to look forward to. I can't decide what is a realistic target for my life. This chap had resumed his climbing career. And was doing well. I don't know sometimes I just find it a challenge to get up in the morning.

The second piece that caught my ear was about "Cuddle parties". Where groups gather.,without alcohol, just to talk to offer a friendly touch and open up. What can I say? The symptom of the modern lifestyle!

Tomorrow, Easter Sunday. I hope to have the kids over for Sunday roast and an Easter egg hunt.

Its Good Friday. I expect a lovely warm weekend. I would love to be out doing some planting and seed trays, but Debbie (carer)is not that way inclined so I won't frustrate myself by going outside.
I have loads of work anyway. So I really should do as much as I can.

I registered a limited company yesterday so now I can call myself Ladwig Consumer Insight Ltd . It's a bit more expensive but should be profitable to me in the long term.

I really don't feel inspired to write today and I can't keep my thoughts focused so I will try later.

Finally some pictures of the farewell I had from Unilever some friends and colleagues, some food and wine and a great time was was the result see February 18 .

Honestly, it is hard to say goodbye and even harder to move on. The blackholes caused by the dreadful impact of this injury and subsequent disability leave me bewildered and confused. A feeling of emptiness which is made worse by saying goodbye.

So thank you all for being there and supporting me. Keep in touch. I am always here. (Thanks for the photos Stuart! )

Fred and Sally sat opposite me for a time.

Fred trying to read, you forget a lot when you retire.
(note: Sally has a condescending look of disdain! )

John kindly said a few words and hoped that I would shut up.

The wine was good so I shamelessly replied to the false propaganda being broadcast by John.

The table where most drinking took place (I am told wine flowed)

Ok, you lot look too happy, you must be up to something. What was that Irene?

This was a fun table, from Teresa and Tricia's rosy cheeks and smile. Notice Jim trying to escape the photo.

Sally is obviously bored by the conversation and is caught looking around.

The three musketeers, Ian, Iain and John.

I went to watch Carmen play netball on Sunday. She has been made captain of the team and wears a C on her waistcoat/uniform (the blue team) .I understand that they are not the best team. They lost all the matches I watched. I don't care about that one bit. To see Carmen playing and the leadership she gives to the team was enough to make me burst with pride.

I think that's called barging or just healthy aggression!

C'mon legs!

Hmm nice day for a stroll

Where's the ball?

Out the way!