So it has been a busy time since I last wrote and I am beginning to slow down for Christmas. I am just doing a short update before I change computers. I had to buy a new one.

More later...

Heard of EXTREME IRONING neither had I till I discovered it from a message I received on ecademy (from my profile) about my attraction to extreme sport. What can I say, I guess the army days were enough ironing for me!

I firstly wish to acknowledge the comment from Helmut a few posts ago. I am so glad I have known the great people I have met and keep meeting on this adventure.

I interviewed 4 new carers yesterday. Although a 5th turned up,over an hour late ,I never even bothered with the interview as she had not passed the qualification criteria. I am beginning to see a strong trend in this area. More men are taking careers or in this case jobs,in this industry. I tell you why, its quick and easy to do an average job. You work shifts and are well paid.You have time off!

I choose to get by with one carer. I don't like to have a house of uninvited guests.

5 years ago I worked with Brainjuicer's CEO, John Kearon to help get the company into a Venture Capital scheme. I was struck by the product and John's integrity and thoughtful approach. I see a great future in this business. The product is smart without being complex, embodies sophistication without being laborious. Brainjuicer's listed on the AIM market on Monday and is really doing superbly well. I recommend you take a look at this business and consider investing.

Another week begins and I start counting down my days left in Unilever and before I set out on my own. My PA has a new job with a major bank. This makes the start next year even more difficult. I have so much to do.

I will be recruiting tomorrow. I have 5 interviews and I am hoping for at least 1 maybe 2 carers. Once I have the funding sorted, I will need a new PA as well. Yikes.

I am not getting better. On the 19th October I thought that was it. I was on the road to recovery. Now I ache and hurt whilst sniffling and sneezing. I can hardly sit comfortably anymore and I am sick of it.

I have finally bought the gifts for the kids. Now its a matter of waiting for the day. I have never been this organised before!

I am meant to go to Aylesbury tomorrow for medical reasons but I am so not up to a 2 hr journey there and 2 hrs back. Instead I will get the doctor out to give me a check up.

The "void of cyberspace" from my last post prompted a comment from an anonymous reader. I really appreciate the feedback and need to hear it. I am a stuborn man in some things but with regards to this blog, I would say I'm "dogged". I promised to would do this blog by venting my feelings as well as my experience. I know its not something I can never hope to share fully. To hear from you "out there " helps me enormously.

Thanks to many of you and Anonymous, the journey is made easier. Sadly the busy lifestyles we have doesn't allow time for the small things. I realise this.

I don't know where to start sometimes. My head is buzzing with all the different topics that make up my life in this wheelchair. I could talk about the difficulties of having strangers do personal care for me,I could talk about my work situation and how to be rejected by the company I loved feels. I could talk about my new business. I could talk about my day to day life. About disability and friendship or loneliness. Maybe the topic of living with a severe disability should cover emotional aspects paralysis and separation from the world, people and your own body.

I sit here and think to myself about what to write about, and I am so aware that I am writing into the void of cyberspace that I can't get started. Imagine having a conversation with a blacked out theatre. You have no way of knowing if someone is there or even listening. The place may be empty, it may be full. You only know when someone answers.

The other thing about conversation is the immediacy of feedback and the development of a topic or a thread. In websites that help people solve problems. They may have a question and answer section. These contain threads of conversation that develop a topic and help to answer the queries.

The power of conversation should not be underestimated. It has a powerful influence on both or all the participants. Like the first smile from a child seeing you or the response to a letter, feedback can open your world. I was unable to participate in conversations for 9 months, whilst my ability to speak recovered.I sat and listened. I longed to interrupt or have my say. I learned to observe and now I still do a lot of observing. You can learn a lot about people from what they say. But you learn a lot, as well, from what they do.

Yes its Monday already and I am so busy with different agendas in my turbulent life. Let me give you a rundown. Before I do that, regarding the last comment from Forthsay , thanks for the comments you have given me 2 things to consider which may well lead on to a new direction, much appreciated!

So, I am off to a show tomorrow to look at a range of Market Research companies and technologies. Its called Insight 2006. It takes place in Earls court. I was looking forward to this but since my scheduled care arrangements have been thrown into turmoil, I have a stranger, un-trained and very inexperienced.Nightmare. This would be bad enough in the comfort and quiet of my home. This situation is likely to be very taxing.

I have been finalising my business plan which I will use to apply for funding for a PA. I hope that as business picks up I will be able to employ an additional Market Research executive. This will give me a better capability.

I have made contact with someone who is going to help me develop an idea. This is quite an exciting contact and may yet prove to be an avenue for other ideas.

It has been a really tough day today. I won't bore you with the details, but I struggled with posture, with a very disparaging e-mail and a carer that makes me feel like I'm in a factory assembly line. Heck, I can't complain at the moment I have had my care situation in such a mess that I can't afford upsetting the apple cart before Christmas.

I have had enough at the moment. So much to deal with and no escape. Its relentless, like a war of attrition. Wearing you out. Starving you. You can see the outside world, you just can't reach it.

Any comments on the Logo? My sister sent me a text with comments which were very constructive.

Another hectic week has come and gone. It has been a busy/quiet week. During the quiet times I have been struggling to get problems sorted on my PC. Very frustrating when you can't use your hands.

This is my new Logo.


So what do you think?

I have appointed accountants and start officially trading next year. I offer consultancy and research services on all aspects of consumer/customer innovation.

I am about to go and pick up Alex. We have to work on his maths and and science for school tests.

Went to see a movie this week. I was hoping to see Borat,but could only get into "The Devil wears Prada" . All about the seduction of success with some humour and set in the fashion world. Ambition, its all about priorities.

Last night was off to the pub for a couple of Guiness before coming back for a movie and take away.

Phew. With the weekend drawing to a close I suddenly realise it is a week since I last updated you on the tale of wacky J.

Yeah, its been a busy week. With life in a wheelchair its easy to have a busy week. It seems everything is happening to you as opposed to with you. Like a victim of time. You can make your plans but you need others to make them happen. (and for some reason they just don't do things quickly enough or correctly, ha)Yes, like some madman trying to rule the world, my strategy depends on others. No, I don't want to rule the world, just my own life.


Let's talk about stress, baby.
Let's talk about stress and me.
Let's talk about all the good things and the bad things that may be.

Do you know that song?I know I have probably ruined it for you, but these words are for my life. Stress. The condition of so many people. An emotion I have never suffered unduly from. When stressed we can either succeed or fail,achieve or shrivel. Good stress is useful, boosting your performance. Bad stress on the other hand,wears you down.It lowers self-esteem,it makes performance erratic and can also affect health.

Never have I been a chronic sufferer of the later,until I took up the challenge of living with my disabilty. Why, should this be stressfull, you may well ask. It is because I choose to do this, therefore, "My choice" and no one else, I have to maintain my independence my choice should not be forced upon others. So, the choice has been made to live this life and to succeed.

The stress is the daily repetition of mundane activities, no more exciting than watching water evaporate, but for which your constant attention is required with concurrent commands about correct method and next steps. Try it,ask someone to brush your teeth and be sure they do it properly and the way you like it. I tell you what, that may be too difficult, so try a good face wash instead. You will find every 5 people will do it it just right but most will struggle.

I have learned to keep a lid on this stress. I cannot afford to allow my stress to boil over. Why? You may consider it unhealthy. You may suggest I "let it all hang out". Think about it. I am unable to perform any activity for myself. (Oh, this is written with a specially adapted PC, by myself, but aside from this.) All my needs require me to request another person to perform. As I live by myself, they become the only door to achievin my task (at that moment). If I am not circumspect with my emotions they will feel chastised and hurt and I risk not getting my task done. So the stress is supressed.

I know there are side-effects.I am painfully aware of the emotional burden I carry and the damage it does.

The extended warm season continues. Today is warm (15 deg) and best of all sunny. We set the clocks back so an extra hour in bed today. I'm going to update you on the last 3 days.

Friday was expected to be warm and sunny but after deciding to go boating the weather clouded over and remained at a measely 12 degrees with a nasty breeze. Not to be put-off I went ahead with my plan and went boating. Alan works as a ranger at this great reservoir.So he arranged a wheelchair boat and we set off for some fishing and boating. It was great! An experience I never anticipated having in a wheelchair. I include a few pics to give you a glimpse of the fun, brrr...






Yesterday I remembered I had invited the kids over for a roast beef. So after getting up, went shopping, bought a roast and sundries, came back and started preparing. Well it was great we sat around,laughing, joking and enjoying the company and the bond we share.

I had a good birthday yesterday.I woke up in a bad state and took awhile to recover. I constantly find myself having to put up with moody people. Nobody is moody all the time, I am seldom moody. I do however, get depressed or low. I seldom let this be felt outside of me.But I can't stand rude,moody behaviour. If its never discussed or made reference to it becomes a shroud and shadows then suspiciously hang over the good bits. Whilst you pause any further involvement till you understand... This can effect intimate relationships clearly, but not being in one for years I now report, with authority, that it affects all other relationships as well.

My children and Colleen came over yesterday with some lovely well thought out gifts. Those kids are really special and have such lovely personalities. All I ever wanted for my children was that they would be happy in their own skins. To accept themselves with love and forgiveness.

Its late and I am tired. I struggle to keep going these days. I just have to keep going.

Ecademy has occupied my brain today as I try to get myself geared up for business. The idea is to network and market myself using the web. Takes a lot of time, but you get to e-meet many people.
My domestic situation is a mess with care arrangements all over the place. I hope I can get it sorted, but it gets to you to deal with this all over again.

River

I slip
I slide
I drift on a liquid streams
Weightless
Helpless but relaxed
Immersed not wet - not cold
Passing scenes interrupt

Desert

Soft, trickling, smooth, cool, sand
volcanic, unyielding, jagged rocks
juxtaposed
meaningless?

Fragments of unconscious dreams that I remember from my months after the accident when I began to awake after a few weeks.

I had to get these down to stop them. I constantly try to find meaning and some hope by understanding them. There are others, these are uniquely sensorical and words cannot capture the memory of how they feel. Reminders like a glimpse of soft, smooth skin, a shoulder or a cheek raised by a smile, can bring back dream.

Well either the antibiotics are working or I was recovering, I feel a lot better. Apart from the occasional cough, full recovery is eminent. Thanks to you all for your wishes and encouragement.

My meeting today was a real shocker as I was told that my understanding of the offer to me was worse than I thought and I now have to make my mind up. This puts a lot more pressure on me and I am very nervous now. OK, the good news is Jemma came to see me with work. This piece of work may just get me started on a positive note. Thanks Jem you have been a gem.

Antibiotics appear to be working but give me the runs... 'nuff said.

If you have joined in my LinkedIn network or ecademy, I would love to hear what you think. I think our future will be dominated by these virtual networks of real people. Clearly a great tool for people to manage this typically, informal structure. If you wanna join or check it out go to the links on the rhs.

Its day 3 now of antibiotics.I had a visit from the doctor on Friday and found out I had now developed bronchitis. Not serious yet. So after 2 full days of antibiotics I have a slight improvement.

I picked up Ruth yesterday. We went to a local pub for a drink and I secretly hoped we would catch the Liverpool match. No such luck. Ruth enjoyed herself and sat opposite me and nattered away like a cascading waterfall. We were talking about smoking and drinking and it was intresting to hear her opinion. She has some very strong opinions and is adamant that she "will never do these". Although at 10 years we might all say this, she has the character to actually stick with it. I remember when the kids were small (3 or 4), I would play role play games. With Ruth I would say "You be Dad and I'll be you ". She wouldn't do it. Instead insisting, she was Ruth and I was Dad. Very sweet, and this characteristic for correctness is still there today.

I was so encouraged by the comments in the last entry. Thanks all!

Let me tell you about the last few days. (What I can make sense of, at any rate.. ) Well I have been at my worst level of illness since leaving hospital 2 years ago. In fact, yesterday I was so bad I stayed in bed for the day. I haven't done this for ages, because I hate lying in bed. So unable to sleep for days now I hoped to catch up. No such luck! I just lay there like the last few nights, alternating between hot and cold and sneezing.

On top of this I have had temporary carers. Trying to direct my care and think about the appropriate treatment for my cold whilst weak, disheartened and exhausted was hard to do. This is the price for living alone and being so independent.

I am due to go into meeting with HR in the next few days. I think it's my final meeting (by the tone of the letter). I am disappointed by the sourness. I have always been a faithfull employee and my cautiousness and nervousness has been met by suspicion and resentment. I have accepted my redundancy and simply wish to proceed carefully.

Phew! Eeaaargh!*@&*! What a fight to keep going in the last few days. I have been physically drained by the effects of my cold/MRSA combination. It feels OK some days but then flares up with a vengence. The result is sneezing,spluttering and violent movements in the chair. I can't control this and it stops work for 10 minutes while recovery and clean-up are progressed.

Thanks for encouraging me to write today, I would not have had the strength.

I am onto my 3rd carer in 3 days. The last 2 are temporarily filling in but without proper training of my specific situation everything is slower and more difficult.

Work is tough under these circumstances and inspiration illusive. I need to crack on.

Today I had a really bad day, low in all respects. I find that I would like to do something constructive in moments like this. So I am going to update you on strengths (as promised). OH, by the way, thanks for all the encouraging comments you are great readers. Don't feel you have to always encourage me I do need a wake up now and then.

Do you know your strengths? What are they? Can you list them? I bet you know your weaknesses. If you have been appraised or had a personal development plan, then you will know about your weaknesses.

Strengths are based on your talents and "easy flow " behaviours. Things you do well without trying. Often when combined with a learnt skill they are more obvious. For example you have a good eye for shape and colour, when combined with a skill for drawing you can see graphic design as a strength but it could also be turned into architecture.

Take a look this list of 34 strengths (from the book "Now, Discover Your Strengths"
by Marcus Buckingham , Donald O. Clifton)see for blurb https://www.strengthsfinder.com/faq/$LINGO/0/0/booksite/en/learn_more_home.html

The list from the book with my top 5 in red) :

Achiever
People strong in the Achiever theme have a great deal of stamina and work hard. They take great satisfaction from being busy and productive.
Activator
People strong in the Activator theme can make things happen by turning thoughts into action. They are often impatient.

Adaptability
People strong in the Adaptability theme prefer to "go with the flow." They tend to be "now" people who take things as they come and discover the future one day at a time.
Analytical
People strong in the Analytical theme search for reasons and causes. They have the ability to think about all the factors that might affect a situation.
Arranger
People strong in the Arranger theme can organize, but they also have a flexibility that complements this ability. They like to figure out how all of the pieces and resources can be arranged for maximum productivity.
Belief
People strong in the Belief theme have certain core values that are unchanging. Out of these values emerges a defined purpose for their life.
Command
People strong in the Command theme have presence. They can take control of a situation and make decisions.
Communication
People strong in the Communication theme generally find it easy to put their thoughts into words. They are good conversationalists and presenters.
Competition
People strong in the Competition theme measure their progress against the performance of others. They strive to win first place and revel in contests.
Connectedness
People strong in the Connectedness theme have faith in the links between all things. They believe there are few coincidences and that almost every event has a reason.
Context
People strong in the Context theme enjoy thinking about the past. They understand the present by researching its history.
Deliberative
People strong in the Deliberative theme are best described by the serious care they take in making decisions or choices. They anticipate the obstacles.
Developer
People strong in the Developer theme recognize and cultivate the potential in others. They spot the signs of each small improvement and derive satisfaction from these improvements.
Discipline
People strong in the Discipline theme enjoy routine and structure. Their world is best described by the order they create.
Empathy
People strong in the Empathy theme can sense the feelings of other people by imagining themselves in others’ lives or others’ situations.
Consistency
(formerly Fairness) People strong in the Consistency theme are keenly aware of the need to treat people the same. They try to treat everyone in the world with consistency by setting up clear rules and adhering to them.
Focus
People strong in the Focus theme can take a direction, follow through, and make the corrections
necessary to stay on track. They prioritize, then act.
Futuristic
People strong in the Futuristic theme are inspired by the future and what could be. They inspire others with their visions of the future.
Harmony
People strong in the Harmony theme look for consensus. They don’t enjoy conflict; rather, they seek areas of agreement.
Ideation
People strong in the Ideation theme are fascinated by ideas. They are able to find connections between seemingly disparate phenomena.
Includer
(formerly Inclusiveness) People strong in the Includer theme are accepting of others. They show awareness of those who feel left out, and make an effort to include them.
Individualization
People strong in the Individualization theme are intrigued with the unique qualities of each person. They have a gift for figuring out how people who are different can work together productively.
Input
People strong in the Input theme have a craving to know more. Often they like to collect and archive all kinds of information.
Intellection
People strong in the Intellection theme are characterized by their intellectual activity. They are
introspective and appreciate intellectual discussions.
Learner
People strong in the Learner theme have a great desire to learn and want to continuously improve. In particular, the process of learning, rather than the outcome, excites them.
Maximizer
People strong in the Maximizer theme focus on strengths as a way to stimulate personal and group excellence. They seek to transform something strong into something superb.
Positivity
People strong in the Positivity theme have an enthusiasm that is contagious. They are upbeat and can get others excited about what they are going to do.
Relator
People who are strong in the Relator theme enjoy close relationships with others. They find deep satisfaction in working hard with friends to achieve a goal.
Responsibility
People strong in the Responsibility theme take psychological ownership of what they say they will do. They are committed to stable values such as honesty and loyalty.
Restorative
People strong in the Restorative theme are adept at dealing with problems. They are good at figuring out what is wrong and resolving it.
Self−Assurance
People strong in the Self−assurance theme feel confident in their ability to manage their own lives. They possess an inner compass that gives them confidence that their decisions are right.
Significance
People strong in the Significance theme want to be very important in the eyes of others. They are independent and want to be recognized.
Strategic
People strong in the Strategic theme create alternative ways to proceed. Faced with any given scenario, they can quickly spot the relevant patterns and issues.
Woo
People strong in the Woo theme love the challenge of meeting new people and winning them over. They derive satisfaction from breaking the ice and making a connection with another person.

It's a Saturday night, I said goodbye at to Alex around 4pm after spending the day with him.I was due to pick him up at 3.30 pm yesterday, but like any normal teenager he forgot and his mother brought him over last night. Today we went and found a great little pub that was showing the Liverpool match and settled down for some lunch (I had a beer) and watched the game. It finished too early to take him back so I took him tenpin bowling and watched him.

If you can walk or stand and use your hands just be grateful. You can walk run and be active. Don't delay revel in your body, in the miracle of mobility and movement. The days I had I can't reach, I can't touch the memory. However, my dreams are not held by the reality I have to live in and set me free for a brief yet precious moment. Waking up hurts.

So here I sit, on a Wednesday night, writing a a few halting words about the life I try to maintain in the wheelchair state I find myself. It's hard to imagine anyone reads this but in truth that is the reason I write.

OK, so today I want to talk about sex. It's not a subject a wheelchair suffer, or tetraplegic may think about in your reckoning. Or maybe you are curious but haven't known how to ask. Maybe you don't want to know.

It might surprise you but, women are more likely to leave a disabled partner than the other way round. (from a reliable Dr)

So it goes like this, just because a man or woman is disabled, doesn't stop the bodies sex drive. Some people didn't have much of a sex drive in the first place. So it is no big deal to cope with. Others are tormented by the frustration and all others fall between these extremes. If I tell you about myself, do you promise to keep it secret?

(Mom/Dad you may wish not to read this but I don't mind)
I am in the frustrating situation where sexual function remains completely intact, (bar a few idiosyncratic developments). As a person who had a healthy appetite, the current scenario does create tension. For while the opportunities have arisen I am and have always been, unwilling to give myself to someone I don't love.

Clearly ambiguous and slightly out of touch with modern attitudes.I have coped with this in the past through physical activity and motorbikes. I had a positive outlook and high standards for myself. I did have an indescretion on one occasion but that is another story.

I find it increasingly dispararaging when I am out in public. I am assaulted by the beauty and feminity of the female form. It hauntingly entices me to think about, to consider my sexual needs. There is a fleeting moment of optimistic hope, before a reflection of a person in a wheelchair in a shop window shatters the illusion and drags me back to reality. There was a girl I liked. About 2 years ago. I was helping with the demonstration of my computer setup for some interested people. She seemed like someone I could enjoy getting to know. She didn't think so and turned down my dinner invite. That was it.

It has been quite a week. I will try to recall some of the events of significance while I sit here listening to some Eric Clapton, Dire Straits and Dido to name a few....

I am still carrying the symptoms of a nasty cold that has lingered for weeks. My analysis is that after the hospital stay I haven't beaten the MRSA which I picked up. It has developed into a cold and refuses to budge. So I have to live with a perpetually runny nose and a violent sneeze that is exhausting. The carers have had to stand by with tissues to clean up the fall out.

I am onto the 3rd carer this week. Debbie (New Zealand), finished on Sunda.Glen (Australia) took over and left Friday. Lawrence(UK) is finished on Tuesday and the whole game starts again.

I am selling a display cabinet on ebay because I am not happy with the fit. If you click on this link you can see my ad on ebay Display Cabinet

Spent a few days on Linkedin setting up contacts and hope you will take a look at my profile on the link list (just below my picture on the right).

Yesterday was a lovely day just spent time in the garden did quite a lot. I had Lawrence repotting some house plants and weeding.We have a good crop of butternut on the way. The gemsquash have a few more weeks left and so do the courgettes. Tomatoes going strong and a few brocolli may result from a disasterous crop.

I bought a few pictures which I want to hang. Monet's Garden, da Vinci's Vitruvian man and David Graux - Il Vous aime, c'est un (nude). see pictures

We all have weaknesses and strengths. We try hard to focus on our weaknesses and build them up. I'm reading a book about knowing your strengths. The intresting part so far, is the definition of a strength. Also the author points out that there is no point trying to make weaknesses into strengths. We should instead learn to recognise our strengths and build them up.

It makes sense and is a philosophy I was using before my accident with my key managers.

I now need to apply it to this new situation and in my own life. Not so easy.

Some pictures of me with my page turner for interest.

You know I am really a sad case. It's Friday night and I am sitting here in front of a computer. Man, why did I have that last glass of Rioja? I should know that to drink in a foul mood only makes things worse!

I have a dilemma, the level of openess I use. I am not a particularly deep person but I am soulfull which some find depressing.

I have put 2 new links to my site please take a look.

What makes a man, a man . Manly. I feel very male. Sexually it's a strong orientation. Yet, I am thoroughly comfortable with my emotions my appreciation of a beautiful rose, with my creativity. With my relationship with my children. I know it doesn't effect the measure of maleness, yet I feel unattractive for my manliness.

The wheelchair is a strong categorisation. However, the truth is often not in the same box.
Sure, I can understand the attraction of sacrifice, to see the value of service and humility toward someone less fortunate. I am not a "cause" or an excuse for nunery service.

I am charming, I love to interact and tease the opposite sex. I love feminity.The eyes, shy smile and the soft fragrant skin of a woman. It occurs to me that the use of my charm will lead me to disappointment. So I don't use it. I keep my heart hidden. Keep the sexual tiger bound and caged. I have never learned to seperate my heart from my desire. I don't want to.

I promised you all some photos. Well here they are.

I use a Camera mouse. It tracks your face and moves the cursor correspondingly. It takes practice and when used with an on-screen keyboard, allows me to type.






























This last picture is me on the exercise bike (hands only for this photo).



I'm happy to help other disabled people with gizmos and aids to assist them. Please contact me through my e-mail.

I have a friend called Annes and he sends out a Thought for the Day. Well today's thought was very challenging and I include a piece for you to think about.

Mohandas K. Gandhi (1869-1948)

We win justice quickest by rendering justice to the other party.



From the Bible

Luke 6: 27 “But I tell you who hear me: love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, 28bless those who curse you, and pray for those who ill-treat you. 31Do for others just what you want them to do for you.

It has been a topsy turvy time since I last wrote. I have been doing longer hours as well as doing more physio since I took delivery of my new exercise bike. It's great btw,photos soon.

Has anyone heard of Acuigen? They do b2b research and customer research. Based in Cranfield UK. I need a contact, so please check your network if anyone knows them.

I have received a few complaints from the hecklers. All concerning the frequency of updates (this is good at you are reading). I will do my best to be more diligent. Thanks guys.

Did anyone watch the Moto GP yesterday? WOW! After seeing that you have to respect those guys who love to race on the edge. Well you know what they say, "If you're not living on the edge, you are wasting space." It's a great sensation, to be on the limits of your machine and capability. Everything is just so intense.

So I had the Ruth and Alex for the weekend. We picked some apples from a few trees in public ground, just up the road, a bit sour but excellent for Apple Crumble. we also found a few hazel nut trees and had some roast hazel nuts and apple crumble (courtesy of my mothers recipe, who's called Hazel)

Well not much going on in the voting for pics (below) .Seems the winner so far is (c) or (a). Also mentioned were (h)and (b)but I will keep you posted on developments.

I had some fun today looking for a suitable "eye" to use for my logo.With the name Consumer Insight, I have to use an eye, don't eye?

Objective: find a picture with a strong gaze that draws your attention.

Some ideas so far:(please feedback your preferences in to the comments)
a)


b)


c)


d)


e)


f)


g)




h)

I had a visitor today. One of the health assistants from hospital. She had brought her children and I felt a distinct, yet somehow absurd, feeling that it was not my social company but a little more that was on the agenda...

I had some good news today about my care and Social Services have decided to canc a £4000 bill for 1 month of care, phew! (I was initially quite disturbed by this but eventually just decided "Que Sera", what will be will be, afterall what good is faith if you don't get to exercise it!

I haven't had the normal barrage of comments from the hecklers,I hope you are still there? !

As the weekend draws nearer I need to begin thinking about the way it will progress. Monday is a bank holiday (public holiday). I will probably have Alex over on Saturday night and we will have some time to discuss things like football, school etc. He is a polite, quiet lad but can get very animated about football and his team, Liverpool.

I decided to sell some shares and buy the exercise machine for my arms and legs. Its a huge outlay at this time and it will be worth it if it can give me some improvement. I long to be able to lift my arms again.


Well here's a picture and I'll see you next time....

Hi all I have been wanting to write for ages but things kept getting in the way. On the weekend it was my kids which I like to devote my time towards. I am also working with a new carer. Nice girl from New Zealand, but I have explained its a 2 week trial so she will be doing her best. I vowed I would not employ any female carers but I had no choice due to timing.

So looking at consultancy, I know its going to be tough and I don't want to get into anything just to earn a living so I have to constantly remind myself that. I will do anything that involves innovative consumer insight that opens new doorways to consumer products or marketing. I reckon most products or services suffer from a lack of understanding about the relationship with the consumer. I am going to trade as "Ladwig Consumer Insight " so I am looking to do a website with the name www.ladwig.co.uk/consumer insight/. Any web designers out there?

OK here's another thing, I need to train the old body if I want to get better. So I am looking at the Thera-vital a device that provides assistance to you and will adjust to your ability. It can exercise arms and legs. Here's the catch, it costs £3745 in the UK. So here we go...

Since being back I have kept busy with all my systems to get them working optimally. I haven't forgotten my promise to tell you more about my hospital "adventure ".

Stoke Mandeville is a big hospital,spreading out over several blocks along Mandeville Road in Aylesbury. The Spinal section has played a key role in its development. Arriving back after 2.5 years was a mixture of feelings. I remembered the good relationships I had forged with patients and staff. I remembered my arrival from Germany by sky ambulance and the room I had for 3 weeks before I moved. I remembered not eating or talking for 6 months. Nurses became friends. Linda visited daily and spent the day with me.Which was my only communication with the world, she was my voice. It was a battle for her as she was fighting breast-cancer and the effects of treatment. When it became too much and the experience finally took its toll her visits reduced. The memory left is a feeling of loneliness and frustration.

Don't misunderstand me. I found a way to smile and beguile my way into many hearts to help me with the emptiness and isolation. I was never fulfilled or happy during my stay but I was driven by a fierce independence that enabled me to leave before it became too difficult. So often patients are drawn in to the life and routine so that to leave is too difficult.

I met a great doctor on this trip. He is my consultant, Mr Dennis Newton,from South Africa! So its not all bad.

I'm back! After 1 week at Stoke Mandeville Hospital I discharged myself. I was tested for the hospital bug,MRSA and came up positive. This required me to be isolated and have reduced access to therapy. So I decided it was better to leave.

Let's talk about the NHS for a moment. How do they manage to take a working formulae and make such a mess of it?Take Stoke Mandeville Spinal Unit. It was once the premier site for spinal treatment in the world. Now it lags behind what other countries offer and struggles to get anywhere. I sat in a patients forum on Thursday night listening to the debate. It stinks. The way we manage hospitals now is like putting the companies secretary in charge! Everything is all teas and toilets or to put it another way, its like rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic.

Well I must dash. I have much to organise, now that I'm back. I will write again about Doctors Nurses and hospital, but for now thanks for all your wishes and support.

In all my life have I ever felt so disconnected. The world, people and all I hold dear and important, seems distant and unreachable. Even my own body is a stranger to me now.

My somber mood must not not be mistaken for a melancholy attack. I give you real thoughts and feelings from some nasty, scary places.

Yesterday the virus I have been battling all week, gave a huge lunge forward. By lunch time I was in bed. Fever set in and I spent the afternoon in a shivering pool of sweat.I fell into an exhausted sleep by 9pm.

I feel better today but I have to feel better because I pack for Stoke Mandeville Hospital and I need to be clear minded.

OK I give up who is the "bundu basher"? (annonymouse comment yesterday)

I do like a bit of banter and enjoy comments, but let me say, my garden is not a bundu. Just a few weeds (I was told that weeds were good for the butterflies.) Anyway my lawn is like the Sahara!

Carmen comes over today. She is bringing her bike to get fixed. I am looking forward to it.On Tuesday she is taking a few friends out for her birthday (a late party).

I need a financial backer or partner to help me get a big idea for thought control of devices going. I have identified an invention that needs exploitation. It's big. Imagine dialing your phone without touching it or speaking or even moving.

It's a great day today. After thunderstorms and rain last night. Yesterday I took a short trip up my back lawn. Its always a trip for me and the wheelchair bumps and shakes all the way. To me it can be quite a ride, often stressful and painfull, but I have to see my plants and get out of the house. When I return, my wheels are full of mud and I leave a mud trail around the round the house.

Friday already! Eek! 2 more weeks before my hospital stay. I will have to step up my preparation.

Did a Google search on my name for fun. Don't we all do it? Came up with loads of info about people with the same family name in the USA. A branch of our family must have gone to America and some to Africa. Disappointing, only 3 references to me! So much for vanity!

OK, moto gp fans I will be with you all to watch the race at Laguna Seca. (Thanks for the reminder Brian) Who's your money on? Rossi is really storming along and the rest of the field is all over the place. I support Sete Gibernau but he's having another bad year on Ducati. Come on Sete.

So it's Tuesday, blistering hot by most standards and promises to get worse. Yesterday it was over 35 degrees and today will be worse. My attention is focused on getting my future both short and long term, sorted out. I want to make good use of my time in hospital and not waste it. At the same time I am trying to sort out my future after Unilever.

My vegetable garden is doing OK in the heat but needs regular watering. The grass is virtually dead with the heat and lack of rain.

Phew! Its hot in the office. Screens radiate a huge wack of heat. I don't know if you are aware, normal tetraplegia (or quadraplegia) has a side effect which results in the body's normal temperature response (shivering or sweating) unable to respond to the conditions. Typical tetraplegics don't feel sensation either. Thankfully I don't suffer these problems but to I still overheat because half my body is insulated by the chair.

OK so here's the "thing", I am going into hospital for August. It's just some extra rehabilitation, physiotherapy and stuff, to check out my abilities after 4 years. I want to do it but... I have bad memories of hospital and aside from all the boring aspects of lying around waiting for a nurse and sharing your space while hoping for an hour of the physio's time. Yes aside from all this hospital increases my sense of loneliness and isolation.

Now moving on, that comment in the previous blogg woke me up. Always have I felt that I adapt well to change. I must be getting lazy or old or both. I have not been able to make decisions. I keep looking for someone to say it's OK.

So I have started putting together my business outline for a consultancy. I thought if I started, it will help to put the mind straight. If anyone knows about setting up a consultancy type business please let me know.

Midweek. Sunny weather and promises to be a hot day. I was ill last night. Tummy trouble. I haven't had that for awhile and I don't like it. I would sooner stop eating than go through that ever.

As my time with Unilever will end soon and a new chapter begins I have been pondering the option open to me. I am going to start a consultancy on innovation and consumer research. I have to use the last 20 years of learning for something!

Seeing a specialist in brain injuries this afternoon to talk about my injury and treatment.

Thank you for encouraging words and feedback it helps a great deal.

I'm not very motivated to do much lately. It is taking ages to do this post.

Kids came over yesterday and we all went to the see the new Pirates of the Carribean. A fun movie with lots of good effects but a weak plot and ending which seems to set up a sequel.

I watched Oscar Wild's "An Ideal Husband ". I enjoyed that and found some of the cameos very moving. The story is about truth, love and honour.

Ok ,I am struggling to write both physically and emotionally so I am just going to try later.

It has been amazing weather here, very hot and dry. My mood has fluctuated and I feel overwhelmed by the sheer weight of all the issues, some big and others small.

I had Ruth and Alex over and they had lots of fun playing around in the sun with the hose and a plastic sheet they use as a slide. England's early departure from the world cup would normally throw Alex into a negative mood. We went outside and he made a perfect barbeque, which gave him a more positive outlook.

Friday night was great.Took a good friend to Nando's in Milton Keynes. Extra-hot Peri peri.Great!

I need to reflect on Thursday. Went to a lunch for Ian Norton, a good friend and colleague. He is one of the most successful scientists/inventors Unilever has left and the work he didn't seem to be valued anymore. So we disposed of 25+ years of experience and productive potential.

I am on the same disposal path and will be unemployed in January. Its just another challenge amidst all the others.

The day started normally. V overslept. I usually like to start at 6.30 am in order to be in my office by 9.00am. Yes I know, that is an horribly long time. That's what it takes. I listen to the radio and try to think about my day. Yes, I am partially brain dead by the time I get there.

It's not a bad day today. Cold and windy but sunny.

I am trying to work on 2 ideas if you have any thoughts let me know:
1. A network of innovative people from various disciplines (science,health, psychology, market, marketing etc) The purpose is to discuss developments and trends and to solve any problems we consider worthwhile. These can be of any nature, I'm interested in disability aids (I have invented a few) and new product development.
2. Creativity. Business is generally obsessed with creativity but useless at doing it. The techniques like "brainstorming" and consumer groups are used inappropriately. Ideas are incremental and static. I want to change this.

Look I gotta go and do some work. Write to me if you have thoughts about the above positive or negative...

The tension from Friday's meeting weighs heavily on me. Friday and Saturday night were sleepless. I sat my electric powered bed up to overcome the tension in my shoulders and neck. I listened to the radio, I tried the TV, without glasses (I didn't think it fair to wake up Lawrence for my glasses!) nothing seemed to work. How could I recover from this news? Always expected, always concious of my vulnerability, it feels like my paralysis is complete. Or will I lose my powered wheelchair and house next? The life I have been at such care to construct is collapsing. My children depend on me and so much else hangs on me getting up and starting again. Hearing words of rejection from people who represent the company I was so proud to work for, is like falling off the roof of your house. Hurt and winded you struggle to call for help.



I had to ask my children to leave on Sunday as I was too tired and tense. They had come to bring me some Father's Day gifts and cards.

The day passed without further incident.

This link came to me from Fiona in France. It should lift your eyes from your own difficulties.

As I sit here, at the end of the day, the lengthening shadows streching out to draw in the night. I have mixed feelings of peace and sadness. The emotion not matured but bubbling through my concious is beginning to tell the tale. I am always concious about the irrefutable logic that my injuries are simply the result of an accident. My heart believes a purpose and some test underly this sobering nightmare. The gripping hope, that, there may be some good to come of this suffering daily grind. Hope is like a candle and it can brighten the darkness and chase away the choking black of loneliness.

Can I hope? Is the futility of hope a lost cause? I don't know. I know once I lose hope, I am drowned in the darkness. So I cling to a hope, not a grand hope to regain my health and former life. No. A hope that a purpose and challenge will reveal itself. To retreat now, would be defeat.

I have 5-10% of the capacity and strength of a healthy individual but enough drive for 3 lives. This may leave me at a deficit but I want to use my little strength to make a difference. My children are the immediate priority. Finding new ways to reach out and show them I love them and to teach them to love and accept themselves...

Now the World Cup dominates the TV here and easily draws one into moment. I might just catch the 2nd half of the Poland Germany game. I can't take sides. Both countries have fathered good friends to me.

Well its a new, hot, and bright Saturday. So not a day of slouching in front of a computer. So I won't be here too long!

Yesterday I was meant to attend a check up appointment at Stoke Mandeville Hospital in Aylesbury. Well I had a phone call earlier in the week from Colleen to tell me that the Friday afternoon was Sports day at the girls school. So I cancelled my appointment and went to the school instead. It was a hot and enjoyable. I never saw Carmen's event (Javelin) unfortunately but Ruth did races and shot put which I managed to see. I couldn't stay for the festivities after but it looked good.

It was the 4th aniversary of my accident on Thursday. I am now 4 years old in this new body. Each stage has its own challenges. At no time have I thought ah, this is ok now, I can relax.
I still want to sing and talk effortlessly.
I want a hug that I can participate in with my arms,
I want to write and lie on the couch reading,
I want to walk on the lawn without shoes,
...

Yesterday, as I looked around at the children all doing there thing, I remembered an overwhelming aspect about myself at that age. I was a strong, stocky lad,not athletic and didn't enjoy these Olympian frolics. I never really felt that there was a point really, I preferred tennis and rugby. I also realised ,whilst remembering this, that I always thought that if I wanted to I could eventually do it. Whatever "it"was. I don't feel like that anymore, but most concerning is that I now do what I think I can do. No dreams about travelling around Europe on a bike, I dread the complications of a weekend away.

I don't want to stay here for too long today because the sun is shining and it promises to be the warmest day of the year!

2 Birthdays this month (May). In reverse order, Carmen (30th) and Ruth (8th) . Both were great fun and these collages should give you a grasp of the fun had.

Phew! I had a tough day yesterday. I was struggling with some pretty tough emotions and then some physical and mental tiredness just overwhelmed me.

Let's take a step back. The kids came over yesterday and we welcomed Carmen back from a week away in Wales (staying in dorm's and eating camp food). She had a good climbing mountains and going for hikes. I had a gammon in the freezer and wanted to do a lunch in the conservatory. So we had roast potatoe, carrots, spinach and gammon. It was a good meal.

That was the easy part. The bit I can't explain is the emotional turmoil I was having. It was sparked off by ordinary people singing (TV program) . This just pushed me over the edge. I can't sing ,well I can't even talk properly. You know it really got to me. Wham! Like a blow between the eyes. The total and helplessness of this injury just struck me. Sure, I've been here before for different reasons. Some for heavy stuff, like walking or driving a car.The difference is, to sing for me is about my heart. My heart sings and my mouth repeats. My heart can't sing without my mouth. So I wept. Sitting there alone in my kitchen I wept tears of pain. The pain of a silenced heart.

So, what more can I say...

Its Carmen's Birthday tomorrow. I have finished my preparing. The girls will stay tomorrow night as Alex has cricket.

Hi everyone its a cold and wet on this Saturday. I am just looking through my memories of this past week to uncover any recollections which may be interesting or useful to talk about.

One page I cannot ignore, is the meeting I had with the HR manager at work. The situation at work has under-gone so much upheavel,that my role and my position, are very threatened. I don't often write about this stuff but I am going to share this with you. I face a dilemma. My life suddenly has a mountain to climb. My predicament is such that I have to face this challenge with a powerful resolve and strong determination to succeed. Failure or worse,to give up is not an option. At least this is the way it seems and the words that fit the occasion. To be honest, I am tired. Tired of trying,tired of being "so strong".

To start again. To start from here. I don't know. Yeah, I am scared of failure,scared even more of not trying. Options open are few. I have the knowledge and ideas to do so much.

I will climb this mountain even if it's just to see where the road goes.



I am using Skype more and more. Its a programme to allow voice over the internet (effectively telephone) . I urge you to try it and contact me it's free!

try http://www.skype.com to read more.

It's been a testing time, the last few days that is. I haven't felt great and that makes everything harder!

Let me tell you about sketchup from Google. It is really good at drawing the more technical stuff (like AutoCad). Anyway, this has some nice features and can really speed up a quick drawing. Except if you are me. I spent the last 2 or more days trying to draw a plan of the back garden.

I haven't completed this yet but I can tell you this, it will be easy for any able bodied person to rapidly complete most complex tasks. I struggled. I have almost completed this now but I have much else to do so I will crack on tonight.

Daily living can really get on top of you if you let life drift.I have to make choices throughout my day about unconscious or insignificant behaviours. Let me give you 2 examples.

Unconscious behaviour:
How do you brush your teeth? Any description you give most likely be very incomplete. The truth is it doesn't matter to you, so you don't store it in memory like a deliberate action is stored. You can however, recall it precisely by doing it. This is typical shopping behaviour and you tend to only think about it when you have to make an unfamiliar choice .

I am more interested in another behaviour I have recently noticed. I don't know if there is a name or category for such behaviours but lets call them low reward impulses.

Low Reward Impulses :
When you notice the picture in the hallway is slightly skew do you quickly adjust it? Or lets try another, you notice the pot plant in the kitchen is wilting because it's dry. Do you quickly add the remaining water in your glass before continuing?

Each situation requires a decision. The observation triggers a thought which raises a question. To do something about it or not. Well we tend to quickly do it and move on.
Hence the name, low reward impulses, as the reward is not a sensory reward like a chocolate impulse. The reward is cognitive, you don't have to remember to do it later and you only feel mental satisfaction immediately afterwards.

Another typical example, but with the incentive that pain will result from not doing it, is ordering a new cheque book or not cleaning the oil patch on the kitchen floor. These have negative consequences and the end result can be the same for both types.

In the end...
Now how would you deal with your day if the low reward impulses were not done and were stacked up in your mind "to do later "? This is a form of stress and you feel like you aren't coping.

My situation is no different. Running a house is full of these LRIs. The difference occurs in the fact that I have to ask someone to do it. So each situation triggers off a set of decisions,
How important is this?
Can it wait?
Are they too busy?
Can they do it?
Will I tire them?
If they do this will they mind doing the other "standard" things?

So you decide to not ask and instead try to remember it later, the result is later ends up as a long list.

When in SA I popped in to see some friends and colleagues from my company. Although many have now left a few "die hards" remain. Thank you all for the wonderful welcome. I appreciated seeing each one of you. You are really special!

It's Saturday and I realise I have a busy weekend as I plan to do something for Ruth's birthday on Monday. I have a few things prepared to make it an exciting day. Let's hope it works out. Tonight I have all 3 of them as Colleen is busy so I need to be organised!

The first week back has been very full. I had the dentist on Tuesday (no problems) ,the podiatrist on Thursday and yesterday I had my wheelchair engineer out to check out some faults the chair had picked up on the journey. As you might be aware of I use my wheelchair to help me do a stand. This function was affected by a damaged micro switch. So I had my first stand since being back yesterday.

Glen mowed the lawns for me last Saturday and Thursday Lawrence and I bought some seeds which he started planting. So far its Corn and coriander. But we have loads to go! Still have onions and spinach which have been eating.

Try this: 2 onions chopped and lightly fried in olive oil.
chopped spinach and garlic 2-3 cloves chopped and added.
Salt and pepper to taste. Just before serving add 1/2 cup chopped pecan nuts.

grrreat

Some pictures of kids (cousins) and brother with his wife Angela

Phew! I can't believe it, its nearly a week since I left SA. Well life is picking up speed.

I think about the people I met and renewed ties with. I had a whirlwind of fun and pushed myself to the limit of my endurance. But I had fun. I loved it. You all contributed to a great time.

I decided to start doing pictures of my trip. So I have a collage here around my sister's house and parents' house.

To do justice to the stay in South Africa I would need to write a book. Ha. Such wonderful people. So much hope and promise. Positive! Well over the next few days, as I get settled in, I will tell of of the stay.

Today has been recovery day and meet and train my new carer, Glen.Veronica goes off for a well deserved rest.

The weather is warm and sunny today so I can't complain "kan nie kla nie!"

Back home safely. More about the trip tomorrow....

OK so I have not written for awhile. I have been a little busy and distracted by last minute arrangements. I fly out tonight (if all goes well) .

The plane is departing at 7:30 so I leave home at around 2. 00pm and start the journey. After a change in Joburg I land in Durban at 10 am tomorrow and will get to Eshowe about 1-2pm.

I am looking forward to the trip and seeing friends and family. Photos later....

Yesterday my friend ,neighbour and gardening expert, came and spent the day here clearing up the front and rear garden. He planted 3 fruit trees, mowed and turned the beds.Here are some views around the back.

Just finished programming my controller. I updated and added all the new devices and just improved the menus.

Back to work.

So strong, so together, so self- assured.
So shaky, hanging on, hopelessly hoping.
2 descriptions 1 person.
The enormity of this monatany looms, like the Berlin wall.
Safe in my womb. Surrounded by silence. In a blanket of black night.
The words on a fairground carousel in my head, " am I still a person? "

Why do I feel like an exotic, new, zoo attraction?
Why am I so confused?

Is the answer too much to face?

I decided to write to all my friends about my trip to SA. I figured that I was pretty much at the stage where the likelihood of going was greater than 50/50 so I should go ahead and communicate it. (This behaviour is not normal but I reserve any excitement or build-up to the last minute when I can see nothing can sabotage the trip,it avoids disappointment)

The trip will be my first in 4 years. I will be at my parents house in Eshowe. My children leave a week earlier and will be dropped off to spend time with me and the family. They will return to England a week before me and I will try to see my Unilever colleagues and friends.

Well yesterday Colleen and the kids came over to make a few plans and say our goodbyes as I won't see them till SA.

Today I watched the first race of the Moto GP in Jerev,Spain.Winner Loris Capirossi and 2nd Danny Pedrosa on his first race in this class (a good start for him).

I am stuck at home. I was hoping to get across to Colworth today, but Shaun lost his license a few weeks ago and can't drive, plus Jane is is still ill(she went off on Wednesday) .

Yesterday I tried a new harness type sling which allows me to stand upright and take a few steps. It worked well enough to allow me to stand and lift my legs like walking. My posture was poor and I couldn't pull my back straight. So I am going to find the cash to install this in my room.

No kids this weekend apparently as they all have something on. I might just go out to a movie!

It's Wednesday and Jane is sick today. This morning I had Paul from Balder over to check over the chair before I leave for SA. Nothing major just a few loose nuts and bolts.

When I had a chance I got to work programming my environmental control. This is like a big, multi-function remote control. It can control doors, tv lights etc. and gives a control freak like me some feeling of independence.

This weekend was Alex's birthday. The girls stayed with me whilst he had some friends over. We prepared a treasure hunt with a challenge (poem) and then a trail of sweets leading to each gift. This ceremony is something I started to make up for my absence in their lives. It adds to the excitement and gives them more to remember. Afterwards I took them to Pizza hut for lunch. Sorry no photos!

I sit here on another Friday afternoon. I am contemplating the weekend ahead and hoping I can do the things I need to.

I enjoy thinking about ideas I love debating them openly and thoroughly. I get so exasperated by people who close their minds to anything new. I like strong views but be prepared to listen, discuss and challenge. Your views are your right, no-one can take that away.

I like ideas which make one see beyond your own point of view.

Can't think right now, itchy ear, makes me flinch. Phew, its going away. Did you ever think an itch could drive you mad?

It has been ages since I last wrote. I have been terribly distracted in the last 2 weeks. I gave a presentation to th VP for research. Some important issues about the future of the business. It was quite risky, but I don't have time to waste being diplomatic and reserved.

Anyway, I think it went OK and he seemed to take notice of the things I said. I expect time will tell.



Alex's birthday on Sunday. He will be 14 years old. He is a great lad. He has to pick his subjects for the next few years. He has a good bit of all the major groups of subjects but stays clear of languages. Two of his interests are sport/P.E. and technical crafts.






NEWS FLASH!
I am making my first attempt to fly to SA. I hope to stay for 3 weeks and see a few friends and family. Departure on the 6th April for Joburg return 26th April. Yikes!

Its time to do a stand. What's that? Well I use a facility on my wheelchair to effectively stand me upright. It's good for my body strength and helps to keep the bones from crumbling.In addition I think the psychological benefit is huge. I stand for an hour to an hour and a half. During this time I can move around, so I watch TV or go through to the kitchen and instruct my carer about dinner.

Alex stayed over last night and we had grilled lamb chops with roast potatoe and roast carrots seasoned with fresh thyme. Not bad.

This morning I helped him make a creamy oat porridge. This was just the start he needed because he wanted to clean my car for some money to buy a CD. Well I really support him for these jobs because he is so thorough. True to form he did a top job,inside and out. Well worth it.



Carers change today and Alex went home so Saturday night will be TV time!

Its a lovely day today.

Sunshine and clear sky.
Frost.
Then all of a sudden snow!
Tiny, hardly perceptible, pristine.
Then a rush of white flakes that cover the imperfect earth.
The steady rays of the distant sun gently reveal the earth again.
Like the memory of a recent kiss,
the glistening earth remembers...

Can you believe this the CD I said I was searching for has gone out of production, such a grind. Nostalgia can be so easy but keep it locked up as a thought and you will be OK!

How about the story I received from Fiona by e-mail today. Our paths overlapped when we spent a few months on the same hospital ward. Fiona writes lovely detailed letters about her new life in France. This last letter has cute story about her cat which I include below (Fiona rents holiday cottage called Les-Cerises, just click on the link on my link list)

This will make you laugh. On Saturday our fluffy cat disappeared in the morning. I was getting more and more anxious and even starting to feel sick. At about 3 pm I went into the back yard and called him and thought I heard a pathetic squeak from next door. Initially I thought he was in the garage, which was odd because it was all closed up as the neighbour has been away for two weeks and then as I went down the side of the house I realised that the meowing was not coming from the garage but from the chimney and he had fallen down the inside of the chimney. Now I was really worried because I thought he was in her house and covering it with soot or peeing on her carpet but another neighbour assured me that I need not worry about that as the chimney had been sealed at the bottom. Now I was nearly hysterical as you can imagine, he was stuck inside a blocked up chimney!! Very bad news and the lady was still on holiday!! Lucky for the cat she came back that evening and when we went round to see her she couldn't believe that the cat was up the chimney but a further piece of luck the chimney is not sealed merely closed by a heavy metal flap and once this was raised out dropped the cat!!!! I thought he would be covered in soot and completely black but no!! Her chimney is as clean as her house and he didn't even have a bitof smut on him. Little sod!! he has been very clingy for the last couple of days!!!

I had a good weekend. Which started with a successful and enjoyable wine tasting. Such a lot of wine! The Berberana Rioja (2001) was overwhelmingly liked followed by Backsberg Pinotage (2001) SA. Favourite snack was a cheese biscuit with my mothers home made Chilli Jam.

On Saturday Jenny arrived to see me we popped to the local for a pint of bitter before grabbing a video rental and ordering a pizza. We watched Kinky Boots (great movie about the local shoe industry) munching pizza and popcorn.

Yesterday we visited Alan at the marina and had a great roast whilst enjoying the boats in the harbour.

Jenny with Me post lunch

Since Tuesday I have a few items to update.

I had the "group" over on Tuesday night. Which ended late with John and I chatting about fruit trees. (I subsequently have purchased through John; a cherry,a plum and an apple.)

I have had to invest in a new TV as the existing TV is about to depart from a working life. I have consequently streched the budget to a Samsung LE32R41BD (32 inch,Flat Screen).

Last night Colleen and the kids showed up to show off her new Ford Focus Zetec.

Tonight I am hosting a cheese and wine tasting. 5 couples. We will be doing 3 Spanish, Chillean, French, and South African. should be good. Might be a late night.

Its time to go to my Colworth office. It's been a slow start to the day and after last night (during which I woke up every hour) I am not very alert.

Cold Wet English day!

I will try write something another time!

As the Sunday afternoon slowly slides into night. The murmers in my heart creep cautiously into the concious. I am alone with them as I listen to their whispers.

I know our craving for constant entertainment and with it stimulation are modern issues, a consequence of the urgency our lives dictate. A "side effect" of the bitter pill to be a success. If this is the measure, I don't see the point anymore. I don't feel good about my old measures of success and satisfaction. They steal away the heart and slowly but surely the heart dies. A pornographic substitute of plastic and paper replaces the flesh.

Spend time with your heart, listen to its quiet voice, consider carefully its cry. You can replace it with plastic but you can't live without it.

As it heads for the weekend I feel like a lot has been achieved. I helped Colleen buy a car. (FORD FOCUS) I have my heating working properly after 3 years. Fixed a problem on the wheelchair control (it has broken several times). Finally I have managed to post a few Bloggs this week.

Jane is off today and I am ready to wind down.

I'm waiting for a reply to an invitation to the neighbours (John and Linda, for a wine tasting tonight.

This weekend I have both Carmen and Ruth to stay. They normally get on well together so its good fun.

I know my posts are a bit weird and depressive, but I am low man. People don't know me, I'm just the "tragic friend "about which you can talk about. "Have you heard about Julius? He is in a wheelchair "

I would not recommend this as a path to character building. I think I have enough character!

But, God help me, it's lonely. When people write to me it's like an invisible hand. Reassuring me.

Someone I love said that they only have 20 years of fun left. I never thought about that. I am too busy struggling with today.

"Hate" is a strong word. I never use it lightly. It can be consuming.It can rot you away from the inside. It takes your clarity and objectivety. It drowns out your life.

But I hate this empty existence. Unable to love and to be a part of life. Floundering on the edges with only memories.

I have loved. I have been loved. My love has gone. No longer by my side.

All I ever wanted was to be loved. Totally. Completely.

Hate.

It's been a week since my last post. I have not been able sit down and write. Not because of any specific physical reason but a deep lethargy, possibly laziness, and a deleterious attitude to self and to life. An attitude which rots the soul, destroys laughter and motivation. I have lived like a robot, reactively responding to events with a negative shrug of resignation.

It has to stop or I will sink into the slimy pit of self-pity. The seductive call of failure is a powerful temptation. A soft voice, urging, chiding my stubbornness.

Damn. Damn. Damn.


It's exhausting to write about this but I have to. If I was OK, my heart wouldn't ache, my dreams wouldn't be empty, my world so dimm and full of echoes.

Echoes. How I hate echoes. They remind me of emptiness, of loneliness, of self answered calls. Mocking.

I have just wasted an hour trying to do something on the PC.I was doing a search, which should have taken 5 minutes, instead I gave up after an hour. The system I use follows my face. As I move the mouse moves correspondingly. Some programs cause the PC to slow right down and movement of the mouse becomes painfully slow as it slowly follows my face. Aargh. I am too stuborn to stop.

Anyway, I am trying to get a copy of Eloise Concerto by Rouge. (circa 1970) It was put onto a CD called Disco Fever.

If you know how to get it let me know .

I was meant to go to work today but don't feel well.

I hope someone is going to help me with the questions at the end of the last blogg.

2nd Post today so read both!

I received great feedback on the last e-mail I sent about "Clever Words" so now I include it and some really good ideas from David and a challenge which I need your help with.
So

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.


Here are this year's {2005} winners:

1. Intaxication:
Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

2. Reintarnation:
Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

3. Bozone (n.):
The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

4. Foreploy:
Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

5. Cashtration (n.):
The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

6. Giraffiti:
Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

7. Sarchasm:
The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

8. Inoculatte:
To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

9. Hipatitis:
Terminal coolness.

10. Osteopornosis:
A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon:
It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n.):
The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido:
All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler effect:
The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic fit (n.):
The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.):
Satan, in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor (n.):
The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

And the pick of the literature:

18. Ignoranus:
A person who's both stupid and an a**hole.


My previous post for more.
(on Dec 15)


David's letter

1 GLAUCOMMA A disease common among inefficient proof readers.
2 METROPOLISH Warsaw subway.
3 PANCRETIN Idiot cook.
4 PHILHORMONIC Sexy orchestra.
5 ENDOCINE Irritating friend who can't resist telling you how films
end.
6 RATINALE Mediaeval delicacy.
7 BRONCOSPASM Mounted orgasm.

and a challenge...

Did I tell you about the word game I invented? It's called IF YOU CAN'T...
Here's an example :

IF YOU CAN'T GET IN TOUCH WITH FRED'S OPTICIAN ...
CONTACT LENS.

Can you complete this one?

IF YOU CAN'T AFFORD A CARPET ...

Or this?

IF YOU CAN'T GET SATISFACTION FROM ONE WOMAN ...

send me your answers and I'll put them up on the site

Had a clever picture from Alison in St Kitts.

Thanks Alison it made me laugh!

Well I am exhausted, a week of not being too busy but enough to be tired of reading the screen.

I had a couple of responses to the e-mail I mentioned in an earlier post. One which I half expected to get (patronising and dull) and one which was a surprise. I have engaged into an e-mail discussion with the latter.

I get too passionate about ideas. I am constantly worried about being over zealous!Ha, good 'ol passion. We can't live without it and when we get it we don't know what to do with it.

It's a bit warmer today 2-3 degrees. Last night was really chilly with -5 degrees! So you spoilt people in Africa just remember how lucky you are!

Does anyone know how to programme a PDA (palm computer) or do you know how I can get some programming done?

You may remember, last week I sent off an e-mail I had felt inspired to write after hearing a radio interview. I sent it to some influencial people not expecting a reply but just wanted to have my say! I will let you know if anything transpires (don't hold your breath).

I went to see Ian and John yesterday. It was good to talk about ideas and science again. I really enjoyed it. I felt inspired to do more.


Tell me this:

If I say preserved food, what comes to mind?


Your thoughts and time are much appreciated.

Thanks to Sue for sending me these words by Veronica A. Shoffstall....

After a While

After a while you learn
The subtle difference between
Holding a hand and chaining a soul
And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning
And company doesn't always mean security.

And you begin to learn
That kisses aren't contracts
And presents aren't promises
And you begin to accept your defeats
With your head up and your eyes ahead
With the grace of an adult
Not the grief of a child

And you learn
To build all your roads on today
Because tomorrow's ground is
Too uncertain for plans
And futures have a way
Of falling down in mid flight

After a while you learn
That even sunshine burns if you get too much
So you plant your own garden
And decorate your own soul
Instead of waiting
For someone to bring you flowers

And you learn
That you really can endure
That you are really strong
And you really do have worth
And you learn and you learn
With every good bye you learn.

Veronica A. Shoffstall

Ever noticed that it's so easy to misjudge another person? I think we all have the ability to focus on specific incidents or behaviours (often our own insecurities). We react by making a judgment against our own knowledge of the person. Doubt sets in and the sensitivity increases.How much energy we waste remembering destructive things. Much better to clarify the incident immediately and to forget or deal with it.

Destructive results occur when we remember details that are not important.

Sometimes we can waste days worrying or even damage a healthy relationship.

Its like condemming the tree for a bad apple.

It's so hard to keep focused on the the normal things when the sh?t keeps catching up. I hope you don't mind this tirade but bad luck if you do. You can always read something else!

I am stumbling over my words, coherence? What's that?

I worked super hard on an e-mail, I will probably not get an acknowledgement on.It hasn't been easy I was fighting poor health and I wanted it to be right and timeous.

moan moan

I have never been this negative before. Nothing I have written makes any sense, well not to me.

Later...

It's a lovely, cool, sunny day here. I am leaving in an hour to pick up Carmen who is staying over. I hope we can get a chance to relax and talk!

I had a letter from my father as he is preparing some facilities for me to visit. It's fairly complicated to do anything because of my level of dependance on aids. So I have to pay close attention to all the details as I can't afford to have a problem.

The EU Food project is getting a little busier but is still too detailed and unfocussed. Next week I will try to take time to improve it.

I am on the way to my workplace. I hope to see Carmen on the way back as she has been very sick. She missed school yesterday and still has a temperature today. She spent the day here yesterday and will be at home today. Such a sweetheart she slept all day yesterday and tried to be as little trouble as possible. Colleen will stay with her and hopefully take her to the doctor.

I can't write anymore now.

So I am working on an EU project. The title is "Food for Life" and it forms part of FP7 (Framework 7. My concern is a part of this, dealing with "Food and the Consumer ". You can read about it over here: CIAA

If you are interested in the EU Research Programs try:
European Research Area


It really can be tedious reading and I constantly want to scream "GET TO THE POINT! !". Patience is steadily growing out of necessity. I want to do this properly or not at all (I can't work on something I don't believe in). The skills I have are ideally suited to sharp, focused objectives so I must not allow myself to get bogged down in the work I am not best at.

Question: what do you think is the most important food related issue facing our world?